Does anyone in this situation feel that after the dust has settled, and IF they have decided to give the partner a second chance, that there is some strange "secondary gain" to be had here? What I mean is, when there is an ultimatum involved, (i.e., you do anything like this again and I'm outta here...) it is almost like holding something over the partner's head, especially if they are regretful? It doesn't seem right, but just seems like it is the way things are. Do things ever become normal, or almost normal again? It seems like between the mistrust, and the changed dynamic, someone is bound to be driven away?
2007-08-02 05:30:58 · 24 answers · asked by Saia 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I read your previous question as well, and your situation sounds eerily similar to mine, with my wife being the "almost" cheater. It's amazing how there are no original situations out there and no matter what you're going through, someone else has experienced something similar.
Last October I caught my wife setting up an overnight rendezvous at a hotel with a former classmate/boyfriend she had become reacquainted with at her high school reunion. I had no idea things were bad for her in our marriage, but had sensed that something was different (she was more distant, some unusual behavior). Now I attribute it to her mid-life crisis, and a need for change in other areas of her life. We also have four kids, by the way.
To make a long story a little less long, we have had a lot of ups and downs since then, we have been to counseling, the first counselor was doing more harm than good and we dumped him very quickly. The second counselor was good at first, and we got some benefit from it. but over time the nature of the sessions changed, and we felt it wasn't worth continuing. I think counseling can help get through the crisis and help the couple address some issues, but ultimately it is better to take matters into your own hands, and deal with things as a couple. You have to insist on no more contact with the other woman. Luckily my wife's other man lives in another state, so contact between them is more difficult.
To answer some of your questions, I can't comment on the relationship being "normal" again. What is normal anyway? I do know the relationship will not be the same as it was. Sometimes I think it could be better than it was. I know this betrayal causes an unwanted loss of innocence. It is hard to accept that your marriage now has been tainted by temptation, and that your spouse is human and is not infallible. However, I think a new honesty and appreciation for each other can grow out of this, if both partners want to work on it. At times, it will seem that it's not worth the effort.
My wife and I agreed that we would both give our marriage one year in which neither of us would initiate a divorce - just so we wouldn't decide to do something so monumental and life-changing without a considerable amount of forethought and consideration. A lot can change in a year. The hurt can fade and be replaced by good feelings for each other and hope for the relationship. I highly recommend this. It has allowed open sharing of feelings without worry that the other will threaten to bail tomorrow, and it allows a chance to mend the relationship over time.
The best thing you can do is to forgive him. This is a gift to him (he can begin to forgive himself too) but more importantly, it is a gift to yourself. You have to keep doing it too, every day. Forgiving him allows you to not carry around the resentment. Regardless the outcome, you have a lighter burden because of it.
Another thing that will help immensely is for the two of you to find a way to get some time away by yourselves. You need to get away from the daily grind of life, and away from the kids for several days. You will rediscover each other, and remember why you got together in the first place. If this time alone with each other turns out miserable, you know the answer to your long term situation, but I'm willing to bet that it will be even better than you can imagine right now.
Even with all of this it won't make everything perfect again (as if it really ever was), and it won't always be easy, but I think it can get better. If you make it through, as I hope my wife and I will, I believe the rewards of staying together can be well worth the effort.
2007-08-02 11:48:36 · answer #1 · answered by Salinger 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I seem to question wheather it makes u a strong person to take back a cheater or a weak person. The statement "once a cheater, always a cheater" isnt always true but unfortunately seems to be. There have been couples that break up after getting back together because even tho they took them back, there is that mistrust n questioning feeling that drives the one cheated on even more crazy. Is he really staying 2 hours late at work or is he in bed w/ another? The mistrust becomes such an issue the relationship can no longer be healed even IF that cheater never cheated after getting back together. But then there are the couples that work through it n actually makes them stronger... but still what was done was done n can never be erased, n will follow the relationship til the end; garentteed future arguments even 30 yrs after the cheating n getting back together had takin place...so for most it will NEVER be normal again
2007-08-02 05:46:02 · answer #2 · answered by Sick of F*ckwits 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It will never be the same again. Eventually you will probably part. We always meet people we are attracted to wether we are married or not. But a trustworthy person doesn't act on those feelings because he knows he would be betraying a trust agreement. When the nation turned to false worship and started to go in for pagan customs he likened it to adultry.
Greed or the breaking of a trust.
That is the difference between an honorable man and one that isn't. So if someone said, "this won't hurt this one time to do this." It would be like false worship. How would God feel if you was to disown him and worship a false God?
It is betrayal of this trust you have with each other.
If it happens once it is a mistake, you see the error of your ways and hope for forgiveness. The marriage can go on.
But if it happens twice it is a pattern of behavior and it will probably happen again. So it is no longer a marriage they broke that marriage agreement.
Jesus said, you can't get a divorce except on grounds of adultry. So in other words that is grounds for a divorce.
2007-08-02 05:40:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, i am going through it right now. Its been 10 months since I found out, and when I did, it was a real eye opener to our marriage, a sick part of me almost "thanked" the affair, or owed it to saving our marriage, messed up thinking, huh? So, we tried, and things went very well for a very long time, but I have not forgiven or forgotten and I have not let the hate and resentment go, and I am now currently planning my way out. On more than one occasion, my lack of trust and insecurites have almost driven my husband away, I cried and asked him to stay, he did, but now my own lack of trust, etc...is driving me away. I believe it isnt necesarrily the cheating that destroys the marriage, I think alot of couples try to get past that, I think its the after math of the cheating, things never seeming normal, no trust, no respect, constantly wondering, etc. I think one or both spouses eventually get tired of it and call it quits. Well, that is me. I am tired of being insecure, I am tired of questioning everythng he does or says, I'm tired of wondering when the next time will be, cuz in my mind, I really believe there will be a next time. But ya know what, it aint gonna be at my expense, NO MORE! I wish you luck and strentgh. Its tough, you'll think it'll be ok, you really try, but sometimes, the thoughts, fears, and images never leave your heart, and that, my friend, is the beginning of the end.
2007-08-02 05:51:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yea depends on the person and their relationship . cheating is very wrong wrong as can be. but sum people really do understand the effects ov what they have done and know they are wrong and yes even for them it will take time. but then u got sum that cheat and they realize it at the time and there sorry and this and that ! but the moment u out ov site it is bac to the ole drawing board and there bac on the hunt.and that ,that ur holding over some ones head don't make them a difference they will only try to be a little bit smarter a little bit quicker. so i t really depends on what type ov person u truly hav cuz they have to want to know and admit that they made the mistake and really understand that i hurt this person and this is truly MY fault! not theres so what ever mistrust i have lead them to have i will except this and help them work threw this to the best ov my ability.
2007-08-02 05:40:28 · answer #5 · answered by sean a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot of people who cheat know that when it's discovered, their relationship will be at risk. Therefore telling someone if they do it again, the marriage/relationship will be over isn't really a huge threat because they knew what was a possibility from the get-go. If they choose to cheat at any time, they are showing that the relationship takes a back seat to their libido/selfishness.
I don't see how it would make a difference to tell them that...only someone with a needy/dependent partner wouldn't assume that discovered infidelity would likely lead to the end of the relationship.
2007-08-02 05:36:14 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Everyone is different...Depends on a lot of things if you should give another chance..you and you alone are the only one who can answer that question! You have to ask yourself if you can forgive and move on! you have to add up the reasons why? Was he drunk? Was this the 1st time? how long have you been together? Do you feel betrayed and want revenge? Will you ever be able to trust again? Do you think you deserve better? Is he worth a 2nd chance?You have to stop and take time and think how your heart,mind and soul feels!
2007-08-02 05:52:31 · answer #7 · answered by queenbezzzzs 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has been my experience that rebuilding true trust after this type of incident is next to impossible. This coming from one of the most open-minded forgiving people in the world!
I can forgive. I can understand. But I cannot forget and it just seems to make the relationship go off kilter.
This is only a problem with cheating because it is grounded in and revolves around lies. I have had open relationships that have gone just fine because I can trust what the other person says.
2007-08-02 05:37:14 · answer #8 · answered by Rebecca W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been cheated on, not by a spouse, but by a partner (not married). I gave her 3 chances and everytime, she cheated AGAIN. After the first time, she said she was sorry and said she'd change, but she didn't. After that, things were never the same again. I never could trust her again. We split up b/c I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect me that I couldn't trust. In my case, once a cheater always a cheater (and liar). You deserve better. Get out of there. No matter how "sorry" the spouse is, there is not excuse for them cheating and disrespecting you.
2007-08-02 05:39:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
well i have been through this myself and i know others that have also..if your giving a second chance you must have some kind of love for him...but if its going to work and your going to ever have a happy relationship again it will take a while months or years even...and no bringing it up throwing things in his face about or holding it over his head to get what you want wont work...it will just make things worse. you can forgive someone for something like this but you will never forget it...but as time goes by its less and less painful..and your trust will build again..all of this will take time and if you continue to keep reminding him about it he will finely get tired of it and it will just cause you more trouble so if your going to try and make it work you have to work at not bringing it up all the time...
2007-08-02 05:41:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋