My 25 yr. old Daughter is taking the pleaseure out of life.?

Question

My 25 year old Daughter lives at home. She left for about a year to try a marriage, nope.
She's in her 6th year college we foot the bill. She wakes for school only if we get her up. She is incapable of waking herself.
Her car we bought brand new, is beat to pieces and has a new ding almost daily.
Her room is not fit for a Dog to live in, I beg for her to take control of it.
She works for me or she could not hold a job, I kick her into gear everyday.
Not an ounce of responsibility from this grown woman.
She drinks and/or gets drunk at least 3 times a week, also drives.
She thinks because she's nice to me she's not being disrespectful.
She thinks this is how her crowd lives that is how being 25 is.
I feel she's old and getting older. It's time for me to have an adult friend out of my Daughter and not a teen nightmare.
I'm losing feelings for a kid I would have died for.
She always says she gets it and will start a change tomorrow.
Do I disown her? I am stressed and miserable.

Answer 1

I know a lot of people are going to say "kick her out!" but obviously you don't want to do that or you would have done it already.

What I would suggest is that you start treating her like a tenant, since she is treating you like a very generous landlord. Simply giving her cars, money, etc. is not helping, but cutting her off entirely won't help either. She will spend herself into debt and then look to you for help.

She needs your guidance, friendly and positive, every day. Sit down with her every morning and make a plan for the day. When she has accomplished the plan, congratulate her. Yes, this is how you would treat an 8-year-old, but she is kind of behaving that way.

Constant communication is going to be required -- it's going to be like parenting a little kid all over again -- but she really might learn the joy that can come from achievement and progress, instead of alcohol and long sleeps.

You can teach her to stop being a loser, but it's going to involve a lot of role modelling, encouragement, and firmness on your part. And no more gifts: no cars, no money, and certainly no access to your alcohol!!

Good luck.

Answer 2

You don't have to disown her.

You do have to require that she make her own way in life. There isn't an ounce of responsibility from her because you give her everything. Why in the world would you buy a 25 year old a new car? Stop doing that. You wake her up in the morning. Stop doing that. She isn't acting like the average 25 year old. She's acting like a spoiled brat. Stop accepting it.

I know you think your being a loving mother and you are. You are also enabling this behavior. It's time for some tough love. Tell her to get a job and start paying for, at least, some of her college. She needs to get out of your house or start respecting it. Buy a frickin alarm clock. She's not going to grow up until you make her.

Be a loving mother by doing those things that will make a better person five years from now.

Answer 3

OK while she is far from being a child, I must ask, Who is the parent here?. You need to kick that overgrown baby bird out of the house, NOW. You are not helping her by shielding her from the responsibilities of life. She has you to fall back on so why should she change.

You need to give her a deadline to find a new job and to find a place of her own. If necessary take the money you are about to spend on a car for her and save it to help her move. Tell her that you have Xamount of money to help her get a place but by such andsuch a date she must move out. Now you can make that right now, in 6 months or next year but the point is you set a date and be firm about it. You are not asking or debating or wondering what she will do you are informing her of her eviction date. Give her timely reminders but do not nag or push Let her know that you mean it and do not argue the point. The date is the date and that is that. A few days, a week or a month before, depending, you give her another firm reminder and explain once again that you are not joking and you will be putting her out.

When the date comes offer to help her pack if she has not done so, yo do it an dput her stuff outside. Then change your locks and put her out.
Get her boxes and offer to help her pack or to find a job or whatever that will help her get ready to move out. Remind her often, do not argue but do not back down. When the time comes, listen carfully because this is important.....DO NOT ALLOW HER BACK INTO THE HOME.... forward anything still inside but do not let her come in to stay even one night. She is no child If you are firm and make it plain that you have had it and living with you is no longer an option, make sure she gets that message and she will do something to support herself and to move. If she does not you stick to it andput her out. she will do something or she will not but you cannot help her by continuing to do as you have done. She will never change unless you do. No one can take advantage of you unless you give them the power by allowing them to do it. Be a good Mamma Bird and kick that "kid" out of the nest for her good and for yours. If you do not, you only have yourself to blame for being miserable.

Answer 4

I am her age and I know how hard it is to begin a life of your own. However, at some point she has to grow up and you have to stop allowing her to use you. A 25 yr old is not suppose to party, get drunk, lack motivation and drive, and be lazy and a slob. I am in a situation that I hate being in because I had to move back home. I can't afford to live on my own right now because I don't make enough money at my job, but I am desperately seeking a new one. I don't want to live and thrive off my parents anymore. She should have the same mentality. I know sometimes we mess up, get knocked down, and have to start from the ground up again. It's up to us to have enough drive to do what it takes to get back to that point we need to be at. I am currently seeking new employment. I've graduated college and looking forward to starting my career. Your daughter should have the same fight in her.

Unfortunately, she doesn't so you as a parent have to stop allowing her to be the way she is now. Fire her and tell her that in order for her to continue to live with you, she has to find another job and pay a small rent fee every month. Also, tell her that if she does not clean up her act and room, she will have to leave your house and find another place to live. You have to make her comply to the rules of you house. It's your house not hers so make her aware of that and force her to comply with your rules! Don't continue to be an enabler because you are allowing her to be the way she is. Encourage her with a lot of tough love. Some of us need to be encouraged more than others. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

I dont blame you at all for being stressed and miserable! That sounds like a bad dream that you have to relive everyday.
If I were you I would tell her she needs to move out because you have done all you can do. If she doesnt make enough money to cover rent she needs to either get another job or find a roomate.
If you dont do this soon you might say or do something that you cant take back and that would be really sad. Good luck! Many thoughts are with you!!

Answer 6

My personal experience is that when you have pets they will stay faithfully at your side as long as you feed them and provide for their needs. At this point your daughter is a pet. She will not take responsibility for herself as long as you do it for her. My daughter was a needy little cling-on. I sold the house and moved into a 2 bdrm apt. with her. She was furious; it was a nice house. I told her she would have to pay 1/2 the rent. She said no she couldn't afford it and it was my fault for selling the house. I agreed and found a 1 bdrm apt. so she could sleep in the same bedroom with me and wouldn't have to pay any rent. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. She threw the last of her red hot temper tantrums and made arrangements to live on her own. That was many years ago. I love her dearly and would do anything for her but once a Mom always a Mom. It's foolish to think you can ever give up the job of Mom to be just a friend and still do justice to parenting. A parent is forever only it manifests itself in different ways as they grow and we grow. I also let her hate me when she wants to.

Answer 7

You shouldn't disown her, but tell her your feelings. Set some rules in your home, and if she doesn't follow them, she has to move out. She's 25 years old and should know better. If she can't follow simply set rules such as getting herself up and not driving when she's drunk, she should be sent out. If she says she'll change tomorrow and she doesn't, bag up her clothes and tell her that's the last favor she's getting until she starts acting like the woman she is instead of an ungrateful teenager. Just totally let go until she grows up.

Answer 8

I feel for you. I have a daughter and when she was in her teens, she quit school, stayed gone for weeks on end, and made my life a living hell......when she turned 18 I told her that she needed to go out into the world and support herself....she could not live in my home and be a bum. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. To keep her in my home would have made me an enabler and not given my daughter the opportunity to feel the consequences of her actions. She is 29 now, she takes care of herself, occasionally she will ask for money for help, she tries. She works, goes to school and has opened an art gallery for her paintings. She learned good and bad consequences, she decided that the liked the good ones best. Good luck!!

Answer 9

Disown her, no. Give her a huge reality check, YES. Since she wants to act like a kid, treat her like one. Make her pay rent, buy her own food etc. Also tell her that while she is living there her room will be kept presentable. She needs to learn responsibility! You really are doing her no favours. What would happen to her if you had a horrid accident and YOU needed her to care for you? She has had more than ample time to finish school. tell her if she wants to continue she can pay for it herself. Most women at that age, unless attending law or medical school have their degree, been in a career for a few years, are fully self sufficient etc. When I was her age, I was already married, had my degree, good career, two kids and a lovely home. I am 29 now. I couldn't imagine being at home at 18, let alone 25!

Answer 10

Why do treat her like a child? You're as much to blame for her behavior for allowing it. Seems like you spoiled her to death and she feels you're going to keep doing everything for her forever. Give her 3 months to find her own place and then kick her out. Don't pay for anymore schooling - 6 years? - that's ridiculous. AND, you bought her a new car.She's probably not even majoring in anything that would come close to justifying the cost of 6 yrs of school. If she can't get up herself in the morning, why are you killing yourself paying her to work for you and paying for her school. I hope you don't do her laundry too.