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Question

What do you think about this poem

Should I change anything......How can I make it better?
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-kGaBWoMkd7_KLHTVmv7N6rg-?cq=1

Answer 1

I would not change a thing....it's perfect just the way it is!!

Answer 2

Nice. There are a couple lines that I think could use a little help, though. Here are some suggestions to do with as you will:

line 5 -- the second "sound" seems awkward. Maybe a different word would work instead, though I couldn't think of one off the top of my head. How about combining lines 5 & 6 into "a sound with an eerie tone, the call of the snow white guide" (I don't think you would lose much by not saying the sound is peaceful.)

line 10 -- think about dropping "the completion," the repetition takes away from the power of the line. I think "and reveals the completion / that is the beauty of the night" sounds better.

Answer 3

Some good images...think you can do better. Here are some comments on what you wrote:

"through the white dark vividness of the forest;"
something strange with the word pair "white dark"...maybe "snow dark"?, "crisp dark"? Without knowing about the "snow", "white dark" seems deliberately contrary. Think on it...tough call.

"Through the moon-lit star crescent sky,"
strange line...maybe:
"through the star-lit crescent-moon sky"

"running through the fields , cutting through the snow"
recommend you put in a line break instead of a comma

"A sound with an eerie tone , yet peaceful bass;"
I'd drop "A sound with" and make it:
"An eerie tone, yet peaceful bass"

"The call of the snow white guide,"
Recommend you hyphenate "snow-white"

"That unmistakeable sharp poignant expression"
Recommend using "unmistakeably"

"which signals the deity of the sky"
what about "calls to the deity of the sky"?

"and reveals the completion;
That is the beauty of the night."
this is an ambiguous statement...do you mean "...completion that is..." or "...completion; "That! is the beauty..."? If you mean the latter, you need to draw attention to the word or it will be assumed it is a run-on from the previous line (listeners will not hear the semicolon).

Your poem has promise, but I suspect you already know you can do better. Good first attempt; thanks for sharing (cool wolf pics). Look at your pics...find a better vision sharing line for your opener...it's in your pics.

Answer 4

i would change the title to something a little less plain. you have a good visual sense so put some of it into the title! make it more descriptive, instead of just stating what the poem is about.

Answer 5

Looks good to me.

Answer 6

its pretty good