do u like this? be honest...?

Question

i hate that your always right there.
and i know that you dont even care,

when i try not to look,
i end up doing it anyways, just to see in your eyes everything from me that you took

i can see that your pretty content
while im here, emotionally destroyed,
trying to vent

with all your others, you are still friends,
but for some reason with me,
the silence never ends.

from the begenning it was probably a lie,
all the things you said,
how you said you were "shy"

as much as i would like to say that i was expecting this,
my heart had no idea it was taking such a risk.

you told me you wanted me to be your way out,
to tell you to stop with the bad ways,
even if it means to shout.

i'd hate it when you would say i was your little "reward"
you dont know how many things that destroyed

now its so stupid that the only reason you talk to me,
is to get money to pay off your stupid fee

and dont try to say that theres nothing you can do
cus theres a choice whether or not to continue

to continue with your stupid lifestyle of drugs.
its nice to know that you chose them over my hugs.

i accualy thought you were sincere,
that day you told me youve been waiting all year

just to be with me and hold me tight,
wow, yeah right.

i dont know why i accualy lead myself to belive,
that from you i will recive
your whole heart on a tray
every second of every day.

your stupid and you were a waste of time
your worth to me, no more than a dime.

but the worst part is that,
i dont regret any of this,
i dont take any of it back.

it made me what i am today,
im stronger either way

i had to go throught pain and tears,
but in the end i conquered my fears.

Answer 1

its a good poem...its a bit straight forward so could have more meaning as a song...but i think you wanted to get the message across as straight forward as possible.

Answer 2

Okay, I'll be honest. I think your poem needs work. First of all, it's difficult to write a poem "to" someone and have an unbiased reader really care. You didn't write a poem about rejected love, you wrote about "one person" who did you wrong, who took advantage of "your" good nature...but it reads more like a telephone conversation with some rhyming lines. There are ways to write this type of poem, even ways that allow it to rhyme, but this is not one of them.

If you want to write a "you're not worth my time" poem, you have to be more sutble, draw your reader in and then turn it at the end. Something that says all the good things you did for them, how they made you feel so good about yourself, etc....then at the end you say, "but you chose the arms of your addiction over mine and a life of abuse than a life with me", only you say it in your own words, your own way. If you start out by telling your reader that someone did you wrong by writing a rant to someone they don't know, you'll lose them. They may connect with what you're going through, but you didn't move them, you didn't make that connection that poetry allows you to make when you do it right. It isn't the rhyme, it's the message and the way it's told. For example:

You made my life worth living
by calling me when you were down
I came when you needed me
picked you up when you fell
was your shoulder for crying
and the ear for your pain
but once on your feet
you threw my love in the trash
and went back to drugs once again

It's not going to win any awards and it was written on the fly...but the point I was trying to make is that you can say what you need to say in a poetic way, even if the lines don't rhyme all the time. Pick some images from your poem, find a way to express them in just a few words, put them end to end, fill in what you need to make them connect, and see what you get. Seeing and understanding your message, I think you can probably write a poem in about 16 lines or less that says everything you said in your original poem. Give it a try.

keep writing

Answer 3

I rather like it, but the punctuation and spelling need sorting out a bit!
Have you tried reading it aloud? It could maybe be more of a visual than a spoken poem in which case you could possibly incorporate it with some artwork.
Best wishes. Keep on writing.

Answer 4

I like your sentiments; they speak well of your insights and strengths as well as vulnerabilities.

But even as "free verse" (and particularly in light of certain forced, artifical rhyming) it doesn't really stand as poetry, since it lacks consistent structure. It is solid prose, and could appear as an "open letter" format, where it could resonate with many people who have shared such life situations. There is a definite universality of topic.

Answer 5

There are a couple spelling errors like "recive" should be "receive" and "your stupid..." should be "you're stupid..." and other things like that but other than that, I really like this. It's from the heart and it's very moving. Keep up the great work!

Answer 6

very good it gets the point across
but it is more like a letter then a poem but still i liked it.

Answer 7

Its pretty straight foward... you put alot of thought into it. It makes you want to know the whole story :)

Answer 8

I think it's OK, It would make a good song with the right music

Answer 9

Good one bro ,

Worth reading once

:)

Answer 10

ya it's good....