Is it me or is It him?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 6yrs. Sometimes I feel I need to pull myself away from him. I guess its because I am tired of begging for intimacy from him. I ask and for a while he will try but then a day or two later he is back to his old ways .I know that what I'm asking for isn't to much and that I deserve it. It makes me feel like he isn't taking my feelings seriously. I just want him to treat me the way I treat him. I know that he loves it when I make him feel secure with intimacy, so why isn't he doing the same for me? I'm starting to become bored of the situation and I cry about it daily because I truly love him.So could you all help me? What is the best way to tell him that he isn't satisfying my need for affection? I

I have asked if he would go to see a therapist with me. He feels that we should talk only between us and I have. The same out come. For example he won't even take off work for our anniversary this Sunday but will take a day off to go out with his friends. I am not being "immature" about this it's just it hurts to love someone so much and doubt there love for you. I feel like I am going to go to hell for doubting him but sometimes he gives me no other choice. I don't ask him everyday and I cary at night while he is at work. I have no other family where we live and now I feel like he is putting me off too. It almost feels like he is use to me so now he can treat me like whatever. I was always told to treat my man like I did when we first got together but he doesn't treat me even half as well as he use to and it hurts.

Its not even sex that I want... I just want to feel like his woman! I want him to hold my hand when were are out in public. Kiss me, hug me, tell me he loves me. The sad thing is I don't even ask that often because I figure what's the point. I
I swear we can go for three weeks with out him giving me a hug.

Answer 1

Tell him what your telling us and see how it goes from there. If he really does love you as much as you love him he will get his act together.

Answer 2

To be honest with you I believe there are many people (especially women) who feel as you do, including me. My suggestion to you is this, realize that your husband has had enough talks about his actions and talks are not going to change him. Then realize that his personality may be due to any number of things. My husband is passive-aggressive/borderline personality. Basically he is diagnosed as having borderline personality which is a combination of many. I learned this late in our marriage and it is a painful thing. He never keeps his promises to change and he just isn't reliable. I realize that my happiness is determined by me alone and not him. Intimacy comes in different ways or you have to make the decision to leave him for a life of the things you want. It sounds as though you need to reevaluate your life and how important the things you want are. You pretty much know that your husband is not going to give you the one thing that you want and need so maybe the word "love" just maybe redefined as "dependent" or "used to". Change is not easy but it appears that your husband is the only one okay with the intimacy level. Try reading a book called " I hate you don't leave me" and another called "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man". Maybe you can find some help in those and if your husband is not catergorized as passive-aggressive or borderline or depressed, then please seek help for yourself to regain control of your life and happiness.

Answer 3

Dear lady

Your expectations are unrealistic. Why? You can't expect others to treat you the way you treat them. That's emotional blackmail. Why? Let's say I give you a present, does it mean you have to give one back to me immediately? How daft! All it means is that you can't really receive and wait for people and life to give you as THEY see fit, not according to your demands.

Having said that, you are in a difficult situation. Your husband's probably feeling stressed out because you're being demanding of his affection. In effect, he feels he has no freedom to express his affection for you, in HIS way.

Once you've told him how you feel, just back off and let him have the freedom to decide what to do with it. You should really not be sitting all day crying about it. It is a sign of emotional immaturity, or pregnancy, or depression, or something not ok. Either way, it's not healthy for your mental health.

Get busy with YOUR life, and find satisfaction in what YOU do, for YOU. Not because of so and so. If you can't do this, then you know why you feel this way, and how it is NOT your husband's problem to deal with, actually, but yours.

When did people get so much time to sit and find fault with their partners? It's true what they say about idleness....no good can come of it.

Be kind, gentle, and responsible to yourself for your satisfaction. Be the wife to him you choose to be, for YOU, and allow him to be the husband to you he chooses to be. Obviously, if he is mean and all that, then he is being a bad husband, and you two should sort out your respect issue.

Enjoy, and try and have a happy heart and a smile if you can.

Good luck.

Answer 4

this must be a test of ones loyalty....this seems to be happening frequently....I've found myself in the same boat from time to time...once wanting and another not...as a guy and not wanting as much as my partner had to do with it being requested so much that it became an act not given with passion....guys like a challenge and there wasn't any...the challenge became what can I do to get out of it...so I understood what the difference was in my relationship and I turned up the effort and met her desires until she began to back of her advances....you might be taking the challenge out of intimacy....back off a little and settle for less and more quality...and see if he doesn't take charge of the situation and then you regulate how much to allow him for a change.

Answer 5

You wrote long and hard, and most the people answering u wrote long and hard...

I think u are in "Denile........!!!"

If it quacks like a duck,, waddles like a duck,, chances are ... it is a duck..

You have no family there.. you are insecure,, he knows it.. and he can treat you any ole da^^ way he wants too... You aren't going anywhere now are you?

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!!!

go to counseling as I did... face the truth.. and move on..

You are only hurting yourself... not him..
he can't do... what he does not feel... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry..
but I had to wake up about 10 years ago...
it was very very hard to face facts...

Answer 6

ive been reading alot of chinese astrology.if i new your birth month and year and his i could probably tell you what the problem is. im guessing that you are 2 different personalities. sometimes you can work on it and it will survive and some times it wont. i dont need to know the exact day of your birthday but i need to know if its before the 20th and after the 24th of the month. seiously your relationship sounds alot like mine. ive been through alot and learned alot. e-mail me at [e-mail] and maybe i could give you good advice.

Answer 7

Tell him that he isn't satisfying your need for affection. He will likely blow you off. Tell him you want to see a marriage therapist. He will likely blow you off again. Tell him that if you both aren't in counseling within 30 days your are leaving him. If he blows you off this time, pack and leave.

Answer 8

1. Men don't do intimacy like women, it's just not in their DNA. Their needs are different from yours. What you think you are doing showing intimacy, he's probably reading as smothering.

2. He is who he is. Love him and accept him, or not. But if you're not going to love and accept him for what he is, why did you marry him?

3. Crying daily shows how immature emotionally you are, find a good therapist and cry there, quit driving your husband nuts.

Answer 9

i would just let him know you need him to be their for you too !and you wont him to be more intimate with you ! youre feeling left out or not wonted at all . that he needs to show you that he loves you and wonts you and still finds you attractive

Answer 10

Act like you don't give a rat's behind about him.