Looking out the window
Eager to stumble on a response
In the faces of the people walking by
Searching for a dream
With the possibility of coming true
Wanting to discover a passion
To accompany me on my journey
Questioning morality and faith
While trusting the invisible
This see-saw of feelings
Thoughts and poise
Attempting to clear the tension in my mind
Trying to find serenity within these walls
That trap my soul
Imagining adventures that will arrive
Troubles that may arise
Struggling to repair them ahead of time
Bothered by irrelevance
Heart and mind at war
Each winning a battle
And losing another
Never in accord
Two people in one body
Exposed at different moments
Guilty of insecurity
Striving to escape it
Hiding behind the word itself
When confronted with authority
Extracting emotions onto pages
Pages of endless sorrow and pity
While looking out the window
ok now give me your opinions...
2007-08-01 17:25:01 · 6 answers · asked by justmixxxit 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
its about an insecure girl trying to find herself
2007-08-01 17:38:24 · update #1
not too shabby.
keep it up. serious.
2007-08-01 17:29:04 · answer #1 · answered by Daniel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not bad, it could use some editing, but otherwise it is a good outpouring of anxiety and frustration.
I'd take another look at this set of lines though:
Heart and mind at war
Each winning a battle
And losing another
Never in accord
Maybe change it to read:
Heart and mind
Forever at war
Winning and losing battles
But never in accord
It's your call, but I think it flows a little better. In any event, it's a pretty good poem.
It would, however, be much better if it went somewhere. Right now it is a reflection of someone wallowing in self-pity and introspection. If that was your intent, then it's done. If not, you need to determine where you wanted us to go and take us the rest of the way there. I think you could probably trim about 20 percent of the lines away and still keep the full extent of meaning intact, which would allow you to finish your poem with a turn that takes us where you want us to go.
give it a shot and repost your edit...and as always,
Keep writing!
2007-08-04 01:38:51 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its nice, but i have no idea what you are trying to say. It has nice poetic attributes to it, but you need to explain what you're trying to say better, unless there is no message, in which case its fine.
2007-08-02 00:34:24 · answer #3 · answered by appletard 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorta messy but, unlike most poems on yahoo i accually liked it
good job
2007-08-02 00:52:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice use of expression
2007-08-02 00:44:20 · answer #5 · answered by st_gurl13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow i like it, it says alot
2007-08-02 00:34:28 · answer #6 · answered by Jaded 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋