I actually am afraid that my poem will be ridiculed? please, serious criticisms only.?

Question

Rememberance

Hold the moment in your heart.
Keep it tingling in your hand.
Only grant that moment life.
Let the tears flow where they will.

Time flows, moments transient;
Use the power that you own,
The potent sovereignty
Of your everlasting mind.

Let the river of your life
Rest in mirrored pools,
Reflecting moments joyful
Or your bittersweet recall.

Clasp the digits of your dreams;
Trap the fleeting instant sweet.
Through the waterfall of tears
Bask in dulcet reverie.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: I really got a lot of thoughtful feedback so far, thanks. Now I'm very confused because so many conflicting suggestions. I struggled with this poem a long time, trying put the abstract into comprehendable images.for instance, since our memories are always influenced by what MIGHT have happened or how we WISHED it had happened. I thought of the thinking mind having spiritual hands that reach out and take hold of the spiritual hands of dreams, in "clasp the digits of your dreams" here the digits being fingers not numbers. I thought about changing the last line to "sweetest reveries" instead of an archaic "dulcet" but my motive for using that word in the first place was to help show that memories are timeless. That is really as far as I got. I am thinking about setting it aside for a few weeks and coming back and looking at it from a fresh perspective

Answer 1

I love it, it's very moving.

Answer 2

Be not afraid. Look for the quality criticism--either positive or negative--and filter out the rest.

As for your poem. You have several strong lies "the potent sovereignty" "dulcet reverie." You have a sense of your topic and what you want to say, but you aren't there yet; given the abstract nature of your subject, you need to create a concrete image presented poetically. Perhaps step away from the "you" and create situation that will allow you to explore the topic:

"I miss the ocean," you said,
and though I heard, failed to act.
Now standing on Atlantic shores,
January wind at my back,
I release you into the wind and water,
a final act of contrition.

Or,

I have lost my pronoun:
I wander where we wandered,
the places we were known,
where now I answer why
there is no us, just me.
the lake, the pub, the museums.
I find you again in your favorite
unsold painting: recollection
a breaking wave I fight off,
unwilling to be drowned.

I'm not saying that that's what you need to do, but I think wrapping up the concept into something experiential and moving your lines around may help. To a degree, poetry is already abstract: line breaks, rhyming; work with simple things.

You might find that, as conceptual work, this might fit better into a blank sonnet or Todd's new favorite, the ruba'i.

I think that you're off to a good start. My answer is often in the spirit of your question. It was an enjoyable, and I look forward to reading more.

Answer 3

It is always possible that anything we write could be subject to ridicule, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You hope people won't be rude, but at least you've gotten a strong reaction from a reader who didn't like something (if they give you feedback maybe it's something they're right about and you can fix. They could also be wrong you can choose to ignore them then, but it's always worth thinking about).

Ok to your poem: I felt it was too abstract that it didn't have enough concrete images for me to latch onto. It felt too ethereal. A moment in the abstract isn't something that engages my senses--a specific moment can. The only images I see here come late in the poem as well (mirrored pools and waterfall of tears). This is not meant to be a harsh critique but the act of remembering itself is not interesting to read about. The act of remembering speicfic sensory images could be. You may wish to consider rewriting along those lines.

Take care.

Answer 4

Not bad.

Here's what I see as hiccups.

1) 'moment life' clashes with 'everlasting mind'
2.) 'digits of your dreams' seems a bit odd, do dreams have fingers? Digit introduces an inconsistent numeric feel.
3) 'dulcet' Nice word actually, but alone in it's Shakespeareanesqness.

Keep writting.

Answer 5

Your poem is far from deserving ridicule. It is coherent in theme and sincere in tone.

I am going to comment on the rhythm, which I feel is muddled.
Each line of the 1st stanza has seven syllables, with the stress on the first syllable, followed by a weak stress (trochaic heptameter). KEEP it TINGling IN your HAND...
If this meter was maintained throughout the poem, I feel it would improve the flow and serve to remove inconsistencies (such as line ten oddly having only 5 syllables).

Poetry is Lyrics dancing naked and needs to be in beat to its' own music.

Answer 6

It's a good start, and a few of the lines really 'sing' ... but you do a bit too much 'telling' when you should 'show' in a poem. Go over it, line by line, and think about what it is 'saying' ... it's basically a 'lovely' poem about remembrance, but it just needs a little more 'editing.' Use your 'heart' and not your 'head' and make this poem SING. I know you can do it, because you have 'started' to do it here. Keep writing poetry.

Answer 7

I like it a lot! but something about the second part dosent flow well with me.. It is written well and it makes sense but it just seems like something is missing that ties it with the rest. I cant quite put it together, but it just seems like it falls a bit out of theme, i dont know.. i cant really say. ok i had to edit this becausei think these people are nuts!!! the last part is sweetly perfect! i love it! That paints me a picture.

Answer 8

I agree with the second poster--i really like it, the second and third stanzas flow really well together, but the last one needs a bit of work, it doesn't seem as well-developed as the rest of the poem

Answer 9

It's not bad. It could use some work, but I really like some of the images you have going on there. I really like the second stanza and I LOVE the last three lines. I think it has a lot of potential. :)

Answer 10

Decent

Answer 11

What a wonderful philosophy of life, expressed economically and evocatively! Keep up the good work.