I don't know if I still love him or if I'm scared of the unknown. I don't want to live my life like this. I'm worried that I will spend the rest of my life in this. I tried it once before and it only lasted 4 days. I guess I kinda still love him. Should I leave him or should I demand him to change. I'm scared my mom lived her whole adult life with a abuser who never changed . She spent 15 years trying to work out a bad marriage. I just don't want that to happen to me.
2007-08-01 15:03:53 · 16 answers · asked by anglecakesalfred 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, presuming you are using the term "menial" in it's precise definition, which means that he treats you as a servant, then I really don't think that right now it's worth leaving over. You can't DEMAND him to change, if he is treating you menially then he won't listen to what you have to say.
First, try getting some therapy of your own, by yourself. The therapist can help you come up with ideas of WHY he would feel that you are a servant wife. Most of the time the reason is because that is how he saw his father treat his own wife and he thinks that is how it should be done. Then, invite him to therapy with you. Tell him that you would like for him to join you at a session with your therapist where he can get some of his own insight into why you are the way you are. Don't ever present it to him that he needs help, because he will just shut you out and nothing good will come of it.
Maybe sit him down and speak openly with him, letting him know that while you enjoy doing things for him, you often feel like he EXPECTS you to, like he sees you as more of a servant than a wife.
Honestly, no one can really answer this question with the lack of facts that you have given. In order to really answer this question in a helpful way, we need more solid facts about how he treats you. But if he hits you, LEAVE HIM. If he demeans you, insults you, lowers your self-esteem....LEAVE HIM. But if you are using the term "menial" in it's precise form, then we really need more facts in order to helpfully answer this question.
2007-08-01 15:22:13 · answer #1 · answered by Lady Raven 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
What you need is some confidence and a good support system you can rely on to help you through the scary time after you leave so you won't go back. First, can you access and afford counseling? If so, that'd be a great start...someone to validate that you're not crazy and need to get away. Second, do you have girlfriends or family that will stand by you and help if you leave? Prep them and tell them under no circumstances to let you go back...tie you down if they have to.
It definitely is fear of the unknown, but as you know, this is no way to live either. Many people stay in situations they shouldn't just because as painful as it is, it's still known...and the other seems scarier--so, you're not alone.
Leave now...if you don't, who knows what will happen? And if you make it to an old age someday, how many years would he have stolen from you? You never want to look back at your life and know that you wasted it on someone like him...a weasel and coward who beats up on women because his mommy didn't love him.
PLAN your get away. Squirrel away whatever money you can, share and ask your friends for help, get your support system in place so you can succeed. You can do it...we're with you.
2007-08-01 22:34:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear sister, I think you might already know the answer deep down inside. If you felt that demanding him to change would have worked, you would have already done that. But, you know that he can't and won't change. The only way your life will be happy is when you finally decide to move. Moving out of a toxic relationship like this is what you HAVE to do. You deserve to have a happy life with a wonderful, wonderful man and you can. But you'll never be able to do that while you locked up with this creep. It's time. You need to take the next step.
2007-08-01 22:14:30 · answer #3 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you can't change him. He has to want to change himself if he is willing to do so.
You didn't say how he is being abusive to you.
How can you love someone who hurts you? You either want to live like this or you want to do something about it and either have him removed from the home or you leave. He doesn't love you, otherwise, he wouldn't be treating you like that. You are in denial by saying you love him.
You don't want to end up like your mother for the rest of your life. Now is the time to break that chain! Don't be afraid to leave. You will be doing it for your own safety. Pack up some clothes in a bag and go to your mother. If he still continues to harass you, put a restraining order on him immediately. You need to protect yourself before you become another statistic. If you cannot go to your mother's home, then go to the nearest women's shelter, you will be safe there.
2007-08-01 22:43:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the one thing we should never say is "it can't happen to me or i will never be like my mother or father" i know it is hard to leave and it is easy for some one else to say leave him but here is what i think the truth is i am not sure if you have kids or not but if you do what would you tell your daughter i know what the heck i would say leave run do not look back don't fall for the old I'll change i only do it when i am mad oh honey i need help , I'll get some help i promise or i can't do it with out you crap because if he wanted to really change the first time rather it be verbally or physical it would have click right then in there hey i need help right, so for you to run back to his lies and his abuse then maybe you might have a problem as well i know you said that you saw your mom going the same thing and i am sure she made every ex cuss for their sorry butt and i am sure she thought as well i will never be like my mom when i grow up SO i am seeing a patten between you both be the one to stop the circle of abusive relationship for you and if you have kids and if you don't then the future
GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK
2007-08-01 22:26:04 · answer #5 · answered by jessi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honey he will never change. You deserve better than that, I understand that you are afraid, that is scary to go to the unknown, but is not fair for you to live and be in an abusive relationship, you can be on your own you don’t need him in you life, don’t waste your time in a relationship that will eventually break because a relationship in which someone is being violated never will work. Leave him, get help( you should see a therapist because you are addicted to him, their for you should treat that addiction) do your own life, is going to be hard, but easier than the situation you are in right now
2007-08-01 22:12:58 · answer #6 · answered by totygoliguez1989 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wwell i would leave him my mom adn dad well ny dad was abusive and if u haev kids it's reallr hard my mom went throgh that stage of unsireneess bt after the divorce everything went great and i'm only 15 and take it from the kid i would of hated my mom if she didn;t leave him for her safty and my safty and i know ur scared too but just remember that do u want to waste time trying to change someone who might not chang jst leave him and find a caring guy that would nevre be mean or abouse u in anyway
2007-08-01 22:09:54 · answer #7 · answered by jakelover101 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Call a women's shelter in your area. They will be able to assist you with counseling and, if you choose to, they can assist you in leaving the relationship and getting back on your feet. Think about this: What would you advise your daughter or sister to do if they were in this situation? You know exactly what you would say to them - leave! Love yourself as much as you love them and take the steps towards a better life for yourself!
2007-08-01 22:14:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you know the answer. Either you leave or be miserable. It's not a hard choice, but if you feel you can't handle it on your own, call a local woman's shelter. They have counselors who specialize in this type of thing that can help you work through your feelings and help you get your life back on track if/when you leave.
Good luck.
2007-08-01 22:08:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Try very hard to consider yourself, and love yourself more than you love anyone else... If you are not ok, you can not take care or assist anyone else. Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. Besides one must learn to appreciate and love self before you can realistically expect someone else to.... Realize you deserve so much more, your choices.... surround yourself with supportive and positive individuals. Good luck & God bless****
2007-08-01 22:15:50 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋