My wife does not like sex?

Question

Married 16 years and sex has always been a challenge. She has never initiated sex, best I can tell foreplay is a bore and sex lasts about as long as I do which having sex once a month you can imagine it is very brief. She stays home, always had. I make a great living and she has a maid to help out with the housework. She is always tired and even when we "plan" on sex she is usually asleep by the time the kids go to bed (around 10). I am high energy so I do as much as I can around the house so she doesn't have to. Laundry, dishes, picking up after the kids hoping that she'll have enough energy. I kiss her good bye and tell her I love her (she is asleep) every morning and call home at 10 am every workday so as not to wake her up. I am at wits end, no sex, no romance and she is not affectionate when I ask for a massage you would think I asked for the world. I ask her what can we do, she says nothing, counseling? no. She having an affair? says no, been this way since I known her.

Answer 1

I hate to say this, but if you knew that she wasn't interested in having sex, then you shouldn't have married her. You should have known this. When two people get married, sex is included in the package too. I think you just married the wrong woman who doesn't want to show you she loves you.

If she can make time to spend with the kids, then she should make time to spend with you too! Maybe if you two can leave the kids to be watched by a sitter and you two go out to spend time together alone. She needs to get away from the home because she is always home.

Another thing that I can think of is that she doesn't love you anymore because she is not showing it to you. Also, she may be going through some type of depression because she is always tired or sleeping.

She needs to be up front with you and she needs to be honest as well to what is bothering her. Ask her again.

I would consider on either seeking counseling or get her this book called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." I tell you right now, it looks like you never had a marriage in the beginning. It takes two to save a marriage, is she willing to be a part of that?

Answer 2

Being a wife who tends to sit around and watch tv (after working a nine hour day, five days a week mind you) when I get off work I've noticed that simply watching tv immediately after work will make me tired for the rest of the day.

Ignoring the fact that it is unfair that you do all of the chores the maid doesn't do, she's not stimulating her brain enough.

Is she depressed? She should see a psychologist just to rule out that it isn't something she should be taking depression medicine for.

After that, she needs to get active in her life. Go to school, take a community class, join a club or a gym. It sounds like you are well off enough that she could find some interests to get her out of the house. Even if it doesn't spark her sexually, hopefully it will get her more involved in wanting to spend time with you and show you that she cares.

Answer 3

First off. Pat yourself on your back, you obviously love her very much and have really tried to do what you can. You seem like a very caring, considerate person.
You have to know though, that no matter what you do, work, provide money for a maid, etc. you cannot make another person happy, or be responsible for another persons happiness.
I think you need to sit down and talk to her about how you feel. Tell her you want to improve things in the relationship.
I think she sounds depressed with low self esteem. Why don't you ask her to go to counseling together? A counselor should be able to figure out what is really getting her down. I hope you both work it out.

Answer 4

I would agree that she should be assessed for depression. Low libido is a very common symptom of clinical depression. And she may be suffering from a chronic clinical depression for the past 16 years (or longer). Talk to your Dr. Sometimes an anti-depressent (SSRI) can be really helpful - not just for her to have a higher sex drive, but for her to find more enjoyment in activities in general.

You sound like a wonderful husband. She's lucky to have someone so caring and committed in her life.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Some women are just like that.
Especially if she has always been this way.
If she didn't used to be this way, then I think there would be reason to be concerned.
Why are you complaining after living with it for 16 yrs?
You do sound like a wonderful man who deserves better but unless she wants to change, she's not going to change.
I don't think it's anything to do with you, I think it's her.
You may want to talk to her about this.
Let her know how much it bothers you.
And ask what you guys can do to change things.
If she's not willing to change, then you have a decision to make.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

I wish you the best
I know it's a very difficult time.
Good luck

Answer 6

There may be a history that you're unaware of and he can't share because it's too difficult/stressful to talk about. Also, you have to understand that women sometimes can't help the lack of sex drive. It doesn't mean they don't want to be sexy, they just have something going on inside that is preventing the drive. Medical issues can occur and it's out of her hands. Perhaps you should talk to somebody and that might give you better insight as how to help her.

Answer 7

I would insist on marriage therapy before the situation becomes out of control. Consider a sex therapist someone who specializes in this field. Below is a link to a national database. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Is the maid a man? She has a maid, so why are you cleaning up after the kids etc???? Obviously you have money, she doesnt work and you have a maid....why not hire a detective to really find out if theres another man in her life...

Answer 9

It sounds like she suffers from depression. I don't mean the kind of depression that normal people get from just "having the blues." She needs to see a doctor and get on some kind of medication. Keep on supporting her and loving her, but encourage her to see someone. Your general practitioner should be able to give her something that will help. This could be a real, but simple condition that could be helped.

Answer 10

I hate to be rude but you describe your wife as a selfish, lazy lump that cares nothing for your needs. It's possible it's true. You are spoiling her. I was like you once. My wife wiped her feet on my face for years until I got fed up and walked out on her fat a55.
I vowed never to be that good to a woman again. Since then, I've gotten plenty of sex, as much as I want. And I don't spend as much money as I used to.