Help an alcoholic?

Question

If you're married to an alcoholic, should you just leave them or try to work it out? What are the chances of things actually changing? I am married to one, and I love him very much, but I don't want to spend the the next 20 years of my life fighting about his addiction? Is there a chance he will change if I force him to make the decision to quit? A.A. or leave? What do you think?

Answer 1

If you feel that there is a serious issue then you should get some professional help for him.

It has to be HIS decision before the behavior stops.


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Answer 2

There are a lot of factors at work here, so it would be hard to evaluate your individual situation. If he doesn't think he has a problem, or doesn't want to seek help to overcome his addiction to alcohol, I would tell him that unless he does, you're moving out so that he can be alone with his mistress, the bottle. My husband and I went through counseling for our drinking. We were told that in a marriage, there's no room for a mistress. Alcohol becomes a mistress in a marriage. You lie, cheat and even steal to spend time with "her". You lash out at your loved ones, and end up being alone, broke and destitute. That's no way to spend a marriage. While I'm not talking about divorce here (because I believe that all marriages can be mended, if both people stop playing games and get with the program), I am speaking about a separation. Tell him that he needs to get help, and that you're moving out until he's finished with the alcohol for a period of time (six months or more). He can come to visit you, but only if he's sober, and only during normal hours. Set the ground rules. Be strong, and be firm. Let him know that this is non-negotiable, and that you will not live with his alcoholism. And let him know that you love him and want what's best for him. Alcohol is NOT what's best for him. It takes and takes until there's nothing left. My husband and I ended up moving away from the town where we were doing our drinking (and our "friends"), and we made a new life for ourselves, minus the booze. That was 29 years ago. I also think you should talk to a counsellor too, because his drinking has affected you as well. See what the counsellor says. It's a tough road ahead, but stand firm. You deserve better than this. <*)))><

Answer 3

This is huge and there are several different aspects to this question but I'll try to sum it up in a few lines... If you love him and want to be with him and he's not abusing you or anyone else in your family, its worth trying to work it out and I believe you have an obligation to stick with him. If you had a problem you'd probably want him to stick with you and help you through it and not leave you at your weak point. But you won't be able to MAKE him change... he has to want to change. Now I think it's okay to tell him either get help or else. There's always a chance a person can change but addictions are very tough..... but people do change. I think the marriage is worth it.... if it were just a boyfriend I'd say walk!

I hope things work out for the two of you and after all the opinions that you are going to recieve, God has your answer! Much prayer is needed in these types of situations.

Answer 4

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and so we will never marry. I see this as tragic, but I realize that there's reasons why I stay w/him. Over the years, the pain of being alone and independent has gotten to me..it's not how I meant things to be. He can be such an emotionally open and giving person, but also what an incredible nuisance at times w/the drinking.. I mean not that he beats me, but the badgering, etc ..incredible. It's terrible the way he cant get a grip on his life. This has happened to him for so long, that I cant believe that he'll ever really turn around. We're going to have him try naltrexone, but I don't pin too much hope on it working.
Basically, I've told myself that if I found someone who was right for me, that I will leave him. He knows how I feel about this. Believe it or not, I don't feel that I have any trouble in getting lots of men.. it's a matter of finding the right one.
You need to examine why you keep him. I don't think that anyone should feel confined to stay married in this situation. Do you really want to go thru life worrying about relapses? I don't think so.. so there's got to be some tremendous reason to want to stay together or what's it worth?

Answer 5

Been around alcoholics all my life, live with one right now. The only way things will change is if he wants to stop drinking. For whatever reason it may be, to keep you as his wife, to live longer, set a better example, have a happier wife and a happier life ; he just has to want help. Ive been to AA meetings and I'll tell you, people can go to them classes all the time, but unless at some point that person changes there mindset about his/her problem they will never change. Its a tough thing to deal with. Best of luck

Answer 6

the sad thing is that you can't force him to stop drinking. at this point, his alcoholism is not a conscious decision, it's an illness/addiction. alcoholics need to hit bottom before they can decide for themselves that they need help. you can't make someone do that before they are ready. you can however tell him that you are not willing to watch this situation continue, and that the choice is his, he either gets help for the sake of your relationship or you will divorce him. do not try to explain this to him while he is drunk. you can not reason with someone while they have been drinking. the choice is his, but it's really yours too, because if he chooses not to get help, you will need to stick by your decision and leave him, so be sure that is what you want first. good luck.

Answer 7

A former colleague was in exactly the same position as you--loved a drunk. They went for counseling, and were advised that the counseling would not work unless he quit drinking. He chose booze over marriage, and now they are divorced.

I think the marriage counselor was right. Stay with him if he quits (or tries), and hit the road if he has no intention of laying off the sauce.

You are doing him no favours by hanging around enabling the drinking.

Sorry to be blunt, but there you have it.

Answer 8

Go to heavenministries.com This is one of the best web sites with info and advice that I have come across. I have had the same problem. My husband is loving, caring, generous, hard-working, and an alcoholic. Sometimes it is really hard. He is never abusive, always pays the bills, but frequently drunk. He doesn't drink at work, is very responsible, but sometimes really hard to be around. I love him with all my heart, but have contemplated divorce because of the alcohol. It is not something I want, but at times have thought it was the only option. It is not. Please check this website out. It did not change his alcoholism, but helped change my outlook on my marriage, and the way I see things.

Answer 9

It may help it may not. Most people with addictions have to hit rock bottom and be ready and willing to make a change. Have you tried finding an Al-Anon group in your area before you make any drastic decisions? You might be able to get some helpful insight going to a few meetings.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Best of Luck to you and yours!! Ü

Answer 10

It's Hard to leave the one you love but if theres abuse leave him. I lived with an alcoholic for many years . That was the worst time of my life i finally had to leave..If he's not willing to quit or go to AA.make your decision for him to leave or you leave before it's to late. My children and I went thew hell .He said he would change and he would go to AA but he would go back to drinking. Until I had it . The abuse , mental abuse was the last draw. I had him leave. I'm much happier alone

Answer 11

I have heard that there are only 3 reasons for a marriage to end. They are Addiction, Abuse and Adultery. Being an alcoholic myself I can relate to how you both must feel. But often the addiction is too much to overcome and so relationships need to end. Then again sometimes after the drunk loses the main relationship he or she has in their lives they do take a closer look at how the substances are affecting their lives and do choose to seek help. But he cannot quit for you I'm sorry to report. Although he may want to quit for you initially the fact is if he doesn't quit for himself then he will never be happy, content or successful with his sobriety. He must quit for himself. But saying that I must admit that there are very few of us that quit for ourselves in the beginning and usually people quit to get the boss of their back, the wife off their back, to look good in court, to pacify their kids or whatever reason is causing problems in their lives as they see it. Often the person is in denial and refuses to believe that alcohol has that much control over their lives. If you wanted to you could attend some Alanon meeting (for family and friends of the alcoholic). Here you may learn how to look after yourself better and allow your man to be responsible for his own actions. Nobody wants to live an unhappy live so if you choose to end this relationship please do not allow him to throw any guilt trips at you, as he has choosen to make his bed and now he must sleep in it. I hope that I haven't rambled on too long with my response but just want to ensure you that you are not alone with dealing with this awful family disease and I hope that you can find some serenity and that eventually your husband can find a live of happiness and contentment without the booze. Good luck to you both.