Emotional Cheating?

Question

I believe it's very real. My husband does it.

He isn't meeting anyone in person, that I know of. He has long phone conversations with other woman, in the middle of the night, on-line activity, etc.

What are your thoughts about Emotional Cheating? Is it real? What have you done to deal with it? I think it's worse than physical.

I have talked to him about it and he sees nothing wrong with it.

These conversations are sometimes hours long. To me, that's more than casual talk.

Oh, and he won't go to counseling because he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

8 years ago he started talking to other woman on-line, then the phone calls started.

I started pulling away from him emotionally because it hurt too much to be close to him. Ya know?

He is totally seeking something that he can't get from me anymore because I have built walls around my heart. Although unintentional, they are built strong. :(

Answer 1

Cheating is cheating.

Either he would have to stop or I would leave.

Answer 2

I don't personally think it's worse than physical but I think it without a doubt means he would do the physical cheating at some point. I would threaten to leave. I would give him one chance to stop and never do it again and if he doesn't I would be gone. My dh used to have long phone conversations with a woman it ended when he was on the phone and I said end this right now or it's over. As far as I know they never spoke again. If they did it was probably to say goodbye. He didn't feel it was wrong because she was just needing someone to talk to. My theory on this is that there are counselors, girlfriends or even single men to talk to. She didn't need my husband. I have also been guilty of talking to someone online and on the phone. After my husband doing it and then me doing it we finally came to an agreement that it's not wise for us to have friends of the opposite sex. That's why I would give him a chance to fix it. Sometimes people truly don't think it's wrong. They think they're just playing around or being friends with the person. Explain how much it concerns you and what you will do if it continues.

Answer 3

I haven't really experienced it. But yes I believe it is very real. I mean emotions is what make us all care and love someone and want to be around that person more often because they have our back regardless. Sexual cheating is just something that comes and goes. But with emotional cheating that is like trully building a bond with someone. I say the best way you can deal with it is by being there more for your partner in an emotional way. If he is having a hard time at work be the person he can come to and talk about things. Don't shut him out and tell him to be a man about it. Because men rather they wish to confess to it or not. Always go through hard times just like women, and it takes them longer to express their feelings. But if you are willing to give him a chance and respond positively to him then I'm sure he will open up more to you.

Answer 4

Hi Ceejay, Its a shame and its stupid but, most men honestly think cheating has to be physical or sexual. I met someone online while I was in a serious relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. We had problems and I didn't deal with them the way I should have. I took the stupid way out and decided to talk to another woman online. After my girlfriend discovered it, it broke her heart. I will never forget the hurt and tears in her eyes. I didn't know what that was like until she left me and has now moved on. Now I sit here and cry as it tears my heart out every time I think of what I did and what I lost. When she wanted to talk it out and ask questions I didn't do it. She said the wandering about it was devestating and she felt it was her right to know everything about it. I didn't give her that but, I wish I had. I wish I had told her everything and done anything that was necessary to win her back. She said it would have hurt her severely but that she could have accepted it more if it had been a physical affair but that an emotional affair was worse to her. I actually had no feelings or emotional bond with the other woman and there was nothing ever physical about it. It didn't matter to her, she felt like there must have been something there. Anyway, an online chat room, telephone conversation or any other form of something with another woman by your husband is definitely cheating. He needs to stop all of that kind of activity before he is on here like me,writing to others about how an online affair will ruin your relationship.

Answer 5

You are right....there is such a thing as emotional cheating..per se. I agree 100%. If your hubby is staying up until late at night to give another woman "emotional support" via the phone or internet, I can certainly understand you being upset.

I think emotional cheating is just as painful as physical cheating...because you're still on the losing end when it comes to having time robbed from you to give to another woman. They also tend to build a bond, just as in a physical attraction and you feel left out!

Have you tried talking to your hubby about this?? Does he understand that it's nice of him to be a "friend" but that you are his wife and you need his time/attention as well.

Do you think he would consider counseling to see why he feels the need to be so emotionally "there" for other women??

I wish you the best of luck! Hang in there.

Answer 6

Whether or not he's meeting anyone in person, he seems to be unfaithful, which merits immediate action on your part. You need to be understanding and willing to listen-- if you want to keep the relationship (and especially if children are involved). Keep in mind that few folks cheat in a vacuum, the partner is always a part of the equation in some way--- there may be loss of affection, bitter fighting, a partner whose daily habits are disgusting, etc., etc.

Things to do:
*** The first step is to confront the "cheating" behavior. But, you have to do this without accusing him of anything--- to accuse w/o evidence or imply it may cause great damage. So you need to be real sure before you jump in with both feet like many below will suggest. Either way, he needs to know that the behavior, whether cheating or not, is hurtful to you and damages trust.

*** Second, you have to agree to be accountable for your part (if there is one) and that both of you will create a safe and open environment by letting their partner know where they are. You must replace deception with honesty.

*** Thirdly, because trust has been violated, he needs to disclose everything (and he may if it's safe)... but if he refuses, then the problem may be larger than you imagined. . The only way to tear down the wall of deception is to have an open window - no secrets. He should be made to understand that sharing information is one way to rebuild intimacy.

*** Fourth, figure out where vulnerabilities are in your relationship and begin to work on them.

*** Fifth, discuss what being faithful and committed in your marriage means to you.

Finally, understand that this is a very difficult process and you may need to seek the help of a professional to work through your issues. Threats to leave only escalates the problem 90% of the time, so go slow and be patient.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I think that when someone is sharing with others what they should be sharing with their spouse or S O it is only a matter of time before it gets physical. I agree it is worse than physical cheating because the relationship is on a more personal level. It is not just a matter of getin it on with some random person, it is developing a love and respect that should only be for your spouse or S O. If your husband is neglecting you emotionally you need to speak to him about it and possibly end the marriage.

Answer 8

Yes, what he is doing is emotional adultery and it is a real problem. (MSN just had an article on their home page about it Friday - email me if you can't find it and want a copy.) I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it feels. Be strong and treat this as if he is having a physical affair with someone - either it stops completely or you're done. Good luck, I hope it turns out the way you want it to.

Answer 9

I understand how you feel. my husband was doing the same thing, I call it the "damsel in distresss syndrome", I confronted my husband on this issue several times to no avail, he couldnot see the harm he was doing to our relationship, until, I started doing the same things he was doing, not with men, but letting him believe that I was being supportive at all hours(without meeting in person) and putting off his needs to do things for other people. I would do things like bake cookies and make sure he knew, then take them all to a friend, claiming he/she was feeling bad and needed emotional support, he finally got the message. Emotional Cheating? YES it is very real and it hurts.

Answer 10

Girl, he isnt meeting anyone NOW, but mark my word he will soon. My ex-husband started like this. I figured out his email password and the things I read were unreal. All the meetings he said he had to attend in the city as part of his work were fake. He used that as an excuse to get away and visit this one woman. I was soooo stupid! and...there was another woman in California that he would send money to. He would send her hundreds of dollars at a time! He would hide when he would talk on the cell phone, or hed find a reason to go to the store and talk on the phone. I finally got smart and got a divorce. (I even found a book with all kinds of sites, the dating sites and read all of his profiles...they would say things like DIVORCED or UNHAPPILY MARRIED! It was sickening!

Answer 11

I think its worse than physical too...because your taking the time out to get to know the person and building an emotional relationship with them...i think thats the worst kind of cheating