How do you tolerate a gobby 13 year old daughter?

Question

Apart from being gobby, rude and lazy, she can be (but only when she wants to be) extremely thoughtful and helpful - for which she is rewarded - usually with a little something new to wear or a couple of pounds. But then she goes and spoils it by becoming a brat again. If i tell her off she is suddenly 'only joking'. She's been grounded, had her pocket money stopped, and been given lots of jobs to do as punishments etc... I sometimes think that i am overreacting because her dad doesnt notice her attitude half the time and just laughs at it. On the positive side, when she wants to help, she really goes to town and will, for example, blitz the whole house or make dinner for everyone without being asked etc. I've never had any attitude like this from my teenage sons. Is this my punishment for the way i behaved for my mother as a teenager? (For which i am now truly sorry by the way)

Answer 1

She's 13, she's at that age where we can't stand our parents, but we still love them. We get mood swings, it's a weird stage, I know I went through it, but grew out of it. It will eventually all end, it will take some time, she needs to grow out of it. I remember I had that stage really bad, mostly with my mother, I wasn't direspectful or anything like that, but I couldn't stand her talking to me or even looking at me, and vice-versa. I guess it was because I was growing up, and starting to become a woman, and maybe saw my mother as a woman.
She will grow out it, give her time, and you need a lot of patience, I know it's hard, but you'll get through it.
Best wishes!

Answer 2

for a start i think some of the people on here are really ignorant
your daughter is not simply an 'attention seeker' and you should not just giver her a slap because all that will do is make her resent you.
What i can promise you is that it gets better, honestly. I'm 16 now and i was speaking to my mother the other day and she said she loves spending time with me nowadays and that I've changed so much and i had so much 'attitude' when i was 13 lol.
There isn't much you can do really, nearly all teenagers go through a rebellious stage of sorts and that can turn against their mother as it does in most cases with girls.
I would suggest very slightly distancing yourself from your daughter and try not to rise to her challenge. Obviously if it gets to the stage where she needs to be scolded in some way do it but do it in a way that shows you're treating her in a mature fashion and she should respect and appreciate that gesture.
I know its easy to throw yourself into attack mode when you feel your child doesn't respect you but you should try to keep a level head when around her. Think of her as an especially rude work colleague and try to treat her as you would in that circumstance.
I hope that helps in some small way and try to remember (though my mother tells me its hard lol) that she's not a bad person she's just an overly emotional teenager and it should wear off in a year or 2.

x

Answer 3

High school is where the aliens arrive and exchange the previously well behaved apples of our eyes into attitudinalists (if that's not a real word, it should be!).
I taught my own gobby/rude/lazy similar for the last three years of her high school education...and when I say taught, I use the term loosely.
She drove me to distraction.
I swear I have gone prematurely grey and no amount of 'oil of deelay' will smooth my furrowed brow.
Just at the point where Trisha's brat camp was an option, the aliens did that thing they do on Star Trek with the 'beam me up Scotty' thing and the hellraiser from Venus disappeared, to be replaced with my very individual and extremely loving daughter.
She told me recently that she thought I was a 'top' mum. A wonderful accolade.
Listen, try to remeber what it was like for you, remember the aliens and love, love, love, her always in all ways without any thought of recompense and you will recieve it all back in triplicate when she's 'back'.

p.s. the boy aliens come from Mars, so they're a whole different ball-game....if you'll pardon the expression!

Answer 4

you know iv'e had this with three girls, and found out quite late, not to engage, ignore gobby remarks unless they are offensive in which case simply say that is not acceptable and remove yourself immediately.from the room, if it's just back chat then sometimes, it works if you laugh(through gritted teeth) and say your so funny sometimes, Never let her see she's winding you up and never ge into debates about things you have to stand by, just repeat what you want or need and walk away, prepare for much door slamming,I'VE ONLY JUST GOT MY LAST ONE FIXED! if you hear nothing from her room for half an hour or so, pop in (no locks on 13 year old doors in my house) and ask if she's alright or feeling better. if there is no response or another load of chat quietly close the door and leave her too it for a while.
It is a bugger of an age ,she probably feels lousy. But at first it takes the patience of a saint to deal with. With practice it will be easier. most of all try not to respond like with like , it then becomes never ending, also don't forget to praise,praise praise her good behaviour, don't always reward her with things, sometimes a girly night in doing nails and facials just the two of you means more One day believe me, you'll be friends again. GOOD lUCK p.s. If her mood is excessively erratic maybe a visit to the doc is in order just to check there are no underlying issues

Answer 5

having been through this twice i know how hard it is ...one of my daughters was exactly the same ......and then i thought it was my payback as i was a gobby know it all too ! lolx hormones and house rules do not gel but i found that if i let her have an input of time to come in and punishment if late etc etc it was a little easier ??negotiate is the only real tip i can give you and try if you get five ??to spend a bit of fun time with you and her alone ..i know ....count to ten ,scream into a pillow ...have a chat with hubby so ure both on the same side but there always has to b a good cop bad cop situation...we always seem to get the fire breathing dragon cop !!!its an endurance test !!still give hugs even though your tempted to put her in a headlock ??? bags of luck ..Hope this helps a little ? x

Answer 6

You say that when you tell her off, she's suddenly sorry. Thats a great sign. It shows that she knows shes went to far. And she has the respect to apologise. Maybe on some occasions she has been only joking, and you've over reacted. Don't forget she's not YOU and has a different personality and sense of humour. There are things you need to just deal with when you've got teenagers. But I think that as long as she knows she's done wrong, then your lovely daughter is still in there.

Answer 7

Its well known that mothers and daughters rub each other up the wrong way!! Personally I try my hardest not to rise to the bait,I have a 23 year old step daughter, and she was a nightmare teen, but once she realised that I wasn't going to play games with her she soon settled down and started to be "normal". I just used to leave the room when she kicked off and wait for her to approach me in a calm manner, she soon worked out that if she screamed and yelled like a 2 year old then she didn't get a response from me. I explained to her the same thing that my mum told me, you treat people how you yourself want to be treated, she soon got the message

Answer 8

It's part of being 13 I'm afraid. Things will improve.

Try really praising her/rewarding her for good behaviour but ignoring the bad behaviour as much as you can.

It may be that she's picking up this gobby attitude from her mates. She's getting to the age where her mates are more important to her than her family, and she's going to start taking notice of how her friends behave around their families and copying them. However, I don't think banning her from seeing her friends will help if this is the case. It will only make her want to see them more (behind your back).

Answer 9

Well, maybe you treat her (subconsciously) the way your mum treated you, after all that's your only model for mothering, and maybe that's why you behaved badly as a teenager. The best type of parenting is authoritarian eg be warm and loving, but have strict non-negotiable rules and sanctions that you stick to without losing your temper. I recommend reading Toxic Childhood (Sue Palmer) she talks a lot of sense and it might help you.
Be patient and, when she's calm, let her know how much you love her and how proud you are of her etc, but then tell her how hurtful she's being.
Good luck :-).

Answer 10

This sounds like alot of 13 year old girls LOL

Set limits and designate chores. She should not get a reward for doing these things..she should just be able to keep privileges like hanging out with friends, movies etc.

Jobs should not be punishments..they should be expected. If she mouths off, take away a privilege.