Once I willingly drowned in the deep blue pools of your eyes
You were to be my oasis in the desert of life
Yet your commitment was a lie… your love a trickery so sweet
Our passion was a trap…. The foolishness of lust unbridled
Conquering betrayal was your intention
Never once looking back at the path of destruction that lay behind you
Never did I find the protection in your arms that your whispered words had promised.
You looked in my eyes and kissed my lips while turning the dagger that pierced my heart
So boundless and complete was your deception
Your love was my only desire… my devotion was rewarded with treachery
I thought you were the love of a lifetime…..
2007-08-01 03:53:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I wrote this after my now ex, who had moved to a new city moved a girl he met in his AA group into his bed and house and didn't tell me until I made plans to come see him ... then told me by text... life so sucks sometimes.
2007-08-01 03:54:28 · update #1
Hey, that is pretty good writing....
Of course, you really dodged a bullet by getting the loser out of your life. Consider it the pain of lancing a boil and letting the toxic pus ooze out. You are free.
Good luck
2007-08-01 03:58:51 · answer #1 · answered by greengo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It reads more like a letter to a jerk than a poem. And why not? Look at the way you formatted it. I would start by putting this in stanzas.
You were to be my
oasis in the desert of life
Yet your commitment was a lie…
your love a trickery so sweet
THEN, I would edit it....
You were the oasis
in my desert, yet
your commitment, a lie
your trickery so complete
Suggest you return to the scene of your literary crime and rework this. Post it again.
2007-08-06 02:47:53 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I thought the poem was good, but the line breaks and spaces in between were excessive...I'd suggest you take another look at that. Your ending was also a bit open ended...think about the parting shot...we feel for you, we understand you...but we need closure or a lesson...and your last line begs for something...even if it's just "but you were just passing through" or something like that.
In any event...on a personal note...you deserved better, and you "will" find someone...just don't blame the next one for the sins of the former one...the guy was an insensitive fool and his karma will catch up with him.
keep writing...your sentences connect
2007-08-03 20:00:10 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋