Is this good so far???

Question

SILVER STRINGS ON MY GUITAR


CHAPTER ONE
Sophie Leil

"Common grandfather, mother is waiting in the car with Grandmother!"
Sophie Leil called her grandfather from the front door, They were getting ready to go to a play.
"im coming!" he called back in his thick english accent.
Sophie Leil was a young girl growing up in Liver Pool England, she was born in 1925. She had a close relationship with
her Grandfather, Nickolas Leil, who was a former Navy Captain. But all through the years of being in the Navy,
he always wanted to play the guitar and sing. He only joined the Navy to make his father happy. He quit when his father
suffered a Severe heart attack and died in the hospital. Loosing his father was hard on Sophie's Grandfather and he just
couldnt be in the navy anymore. He decided to take on his dream to play guitar. He had played guitar since he was just
a young boy growing up just where Sophie did. Now its 1933...

Sophie is 7 years old. They are going to a play for her
Upcoming 8th birthday.
"I'm just putting on my best tie!"
"all right but be quick. The play starts in 20 minutes and we want good seats."
Grandfather always wanted to look his best. I was never like that. I just wanted to be comfortable. I was, until my mother
stuffed me into one of the awful dresses she would make me wear. She must get it from my Grandfather. All my dresses were
pink and white. Some had yellow, but all of them were these awful frilly things that were at least one size too small if not two. My
mother always wanted me to look as pretty, sophisticated, and skinny as i could look. She would also always make me wear these
horrible bonnets, as if the dress werent enough for me. She just wanted me to be a lady.
"Grandfather is coming, mother."

"Well he better be. I dont want to be in this car too long, you will wrinkle your band new dress!"
I didn't reply to that, because honestly i didnt care what happened to my dresses."
"He's here, i said to my mother as my grandfather walked down the path to the car.
"sorry i took so long, i wanted to wear my best tie. I mean, i have to look nice for my favorite grandaugher."
"thank you grandfather but I'm your only grandaughter." Sophie replyed to her grandfather with a giggle.
"still." He smiled. "I'll tell you, i never got to dress this dandy in the Navy. It was always the uniform."
Grandfather is sick now. He has mild Alzhiemers disease and isn't able to play guitar anymore. I have 6 brothers. Samuel (17),
William (16), Edward (15), Wayne (15, Edward's twin brother) Grant (14) And Owen (13). and i am the youngest, I am
only 7, but I will be 8 next week.
"Of course the uniform, Nickolas, what else?" Grandmother asked him sternly.

Ever since maybe 5 years ago if not before that,
grandmother had a problem with Grandfather. I dont know why. It just seems like she is annoyed with him, but she has always been like this.
She isn't one of those people you always wanted to be around. Grandfather is. He is a sweet man, with alot to give. He is never
greedy like my brothers and my father. He's different. Thats what I like about him. He is my best friend. I dont have alot of friends. I'm
a very shy girl.
"I dont know i was just saying." Grandfather replied softly. To tell you the truth, grandfather is pretty, i dont know, scared
around my Grandmother. He doesnt ever want to fight with her because he's scared of her, i think.
Mother started the car and we went to the play.

Im writing this book and i just want to know what i should make better. Please no mean comments. be nice about it. im only 13.

Answer 1

I'd rewrite it along these lines:

"Come on, Grandfather, Mother is waiting in the car with Grandmother!"

8-year old Sophie Leil was anxious to go to the play. Although she stood at the front door, her young voice filled the house. "I'm coming!", Grandfather Nickolas called back in a booming voice, heavy with the accent that marked him as a native of Liverpool, where he now lived with his wife, daughter, and granddaughter.

Nickolas Leil had managed to work himself all the way up to the rank of Captain in the Royal Navy, but had taken an early retirement when Sophie's great-grandfather had died. Nickolas had always wanted to be an entertainer, and had only taken up a career in the Navy to please his father. When his father passed, Nickolas realized that there was no more reason to live his life just to please the old man, and he left the service to follow his dream of singing and playing the guitar.

His old chums in the Navy thought him quite daft; after all changing careers just wasn't done in 1933.

(End of rewrite)

Ok, so now that you see a different way to tell the same story, consider this:

Guitar music was not as popular in England in 1933 as it is today. For the most part, any serious musician would be playing either jazz or flamenco (classical Spanish music). So, there must be some special reason that Nickolas wants to do that instead of say, playing the piano, or being an actor or something.

If your story is really about Sophie, you need not spend page after page on Nickolas's music. But you won't be able to just shuck it off, either.

Also, Nickolas is an unusual spelling of that name for England in the 1930's. It implies that at least part of the family is not originally from England. If that's not what you want, you'd probably want to spell it Nicholas.

Good luck with your story!

Answer 2

Well it is good but you need to rearrange and put the girls age in when you introduce her into the story... write a rough draft... then move things around so it all makes sense have someone else read it again like you are doing now to see if they catch on... it will be a hit... just arrange it the right way.. Kay?

Answer 3

yup its good to me

Answer 4

so far ok will grade it a B-........check grammar spelling....