He does not want me to work?

Question

Before we got married my husband knew I wanted to finish school and to work. I later became pregnant and now he says he wants me to stay at home. He told me he had never had any intention of my working or going to school but did not want me to leave him. I love my husband and I love my child more than anything but I need to be able to go places and work outside of the house to be happy. How can I explain to him that just because I want to work and have a social life doesn't mean I'm abandoning him or our child?

Answer 1

This is the classic behaviour of a controller. My mom lived with a controller for many years who did not want her to go to work or university. You need to ease him into what you want to do. Start by working part-time if he protests you will need to re-assure him it has nothing to do with his ability to provide for the family because he will be thinking that. Stand up for yourself and don't give in but be carefull since controllers don't like losing control so make him feel like he has some say in it. At some stage in your marriage if he doesn't accept his problem and deal with it he is going to end the marriage so make sure you work on your work skills and social contacts so you have some things to fall back on if it all falls apart.

Answer 2

Just tell him that. Explain that you love him and want to be a good mom, but that you need something outside of the home to feel balance in your life. Essentially it's up to you, but if your husband is really determined that you be a house wife you're going to face some resistance.

As long as you're happy with something part time, I doubt it will be too much of an issue. And you can explain that it's important for normal social development for your child to interact with other people, especially children. If you have a part time job and leave your child with a sitter, or a day care for a day or two each week it will actually help. Also, it will allow you to maintain contact with other adults. How many times have we heard about mother's just needing to go out and experience a real conversation for a while?

Good luck.

Answer 3

Talk with him about how you feel. Tell him it's not fair that he didn't tell you this before you got married. Tell him that you will be able to maintain a healthy balance between work and family. What about part time work? Start slow and prove to him that it can be done. However make it very clear that you are an individual who needs to explore the outside world and by doing so you will be a happier, healthier mom and wife. Sounds like he's got some issues as well. If he still doesn't go for it, you might want to consider separate living arrangements. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 4

What I'm hearing you say is this: basically, he lied/misled you into believing he wanted you to work and/or go to school because he thought you'd leave him if he didn't let you.

You staying home or working is a decision that the two of you have to make TOGETHER. He can't just TELL you how it's going to be - it's not up to him alone. You are a couple, a partnership, and decisions like this have to be made by both of you, for the good of your relationship and the good of each person.

I'm guessing you won't change his mind. You need to decide if you want to stay there and abide by his rules, as he treats you like a child, or if you want to fight for your rights as an adult.

Answer 5

Tell him exactly how you feel. He knew before you got married that you wanted to finish school and go to work. If you really want to work OUTSIDE the home....then you should be able to do it. Sounds like he has you right where he wants you. Home with a child so you don't have the freedom to do anything else. If he still refuses to see your desire to work, then perhaps you need to ask yourself if you truly want to remain with a man that doesn't respect your wishes.

Answer 6

Maybe you guys can compromise - stay at home until the child is preschool age, then go to work. Or only work part time until the child starts school. Talk to him and find out what his fears are about you working - exactly why is it that he doesn't want you to work?? You could always join Mother/child groups to help your social needs get met.

Answer 7

who will watch the child? I rather have my kids raised by my wife than the daycare specialist. But thats just me. Once they are old enough for pre-school and preparing for a social life/education, than you should head off to work and earn some cash. Since there is no one home to watch anyway. For me its never an issue about cooking and cleaning, because if your a clean family, there is not much to clean, and if you share the cooking duties, or I cook you clean method, than that shouldn't take much time either.

But i guess its all about what is what to each individual. I work not to have a social life, but to provide $$$ for the fam.

Answer 8

You need to try and reason with him. My mother used to work while I was growing up. Her reasoning was that my father's money could be used to pay for the living expenses, however, she wanted to contribute to, so her money was used to pay for family holidays and things that the whole family could do together.

At first my father didn't like the idea, but then she compromised and got a mornings-only job as a High School Science teacher. She was able to work, however, she was also at home with her children in the afternoons and weekends.

Answer 9

It's just the first step in a long list of things he needs to do to keep you under his control. Actually the 1st step was getting you pregnant. I'm going to bet if you insist in going back to school, he'll get you pregnant again so that you can't.

Youshould be wary of the intentions of any man that does not want his woman to get an education.

Answer 10

You'll have to simply tell him that you can understand his point of view but he downright admitted being dishonest with you when you were always honest and up front about what you intended to do. Tell him you might compromise by working less or trying to have the best schedule possible, but it simply is not fair to force you to give up what you told him you wanted just because he couldn't tell you the truth up front.