Can you critic this poem?

Question

Time...
Is there enough to fix this mess or is it to late
And a little of me dies when i don't see your eyes
because i think of what could of been
and i realize it's just a dream unseen.
Unreal, through a time that didn't exist.
Theres this mist of rain but it turns frail
and disappears in a trail that explodes into reality.
Take my hand
Try to see things from my eyes and learn what lies beneath the surface
Take this spike from my heart
yet it still leaves a scar to remind me of what happened...
Time

lol of course i wont quit my day job. lol im no good i know. umm just to let you know it doesnt make sense. but that was the point. i did that on purpose. its just a mixture of feelings on nothing and something

umm im a girl. the poem is not for a girl either. its really for no one.but thanks for the info

if you look at my name it says mcr Chick hence im a girl

Answer 1

Yes I can...

It isn't bad, nor is it great yet. It could be with some work.

The internal rhymes are rhythmically surprising, which is a well-established poetic technique that creates interest. That may be an inspired poetic muse or merely a lack of discipline.

When we read the skewed adjectives (misty rain turns frail?) we start to wonder if this is the inspired musings of a tortured poet or just the whining rant of a heartbroken teen.

"A little of me dies when I don't see your eyes" is good!
...concise, universally understandable and catchy!

"Spike from my heart?" Well... that is a universally understandable feeling too, but it lacks the originality, pith and swing of your other line.

In general, it seems as though you have hit the mark in some ways, but have a long way to go.

Here is a useful analogy that may help you, if you really care to improve your poetry.

Poetry is like painting.
It creates more than just an image.
A great painting invokes the human response of feeling.
It does so by discipline and training.

In the same way that artists use a limited palette to achieve "poetic" or musical harmony in color, poets use poetic forms to restrain their musings.

Some neophyte poets falsely believe that these forms are restrictive and stifle creativity. In fact, the opposite is true.

The artist becomes more sensitive and creative by using the limited palette and the confined flat space of the canvas. The same is true for the art of poetry.

Poets find inspiration by disciplining themselves to create within a form.
Painters use a limited palette and compositional technique within a frame.
Both art forms benefit from the application of discipline.
Both art forms suffer from a lack thereof.

Your poem, as it stands, has enough merit to justify a thoughtful critique, so please take heart. At the same time, you must realize that it isn't great yet, nor will it get your girlfriend back.

If you want to improve your poetry, learn the forms and techniques. Discipline yourself to stay within the forms. Inspiration is not enough even when you stumble across an inspired line or two.

And remember, hot chicks don't dig poets. Only introspective Emo chicks dig poets, ,,,and they are not exciting enough to write poems about.

Answer 2

I like it, but this part at the very beginning:
"Is there enough to fix this mess or is it to late
And a little of me dies when i don't see your eyes"
The two lines don't match/flow. Maybe there should be a line inbetween?

Answer 3

not really sure, but this is how i interpret it:

the poet is talking about someone they have lost, maybe through death or the breakup of a relationship. the poem seems to be about loss due to things outside of their control such as "time". there's a sense of day dreaming, dream like quality to the poem "there's a mist of rain but it turns frail/and dissapears in the trail that explodes into reality".
there is an uneven irregular rhyming pattern, perhaps alluding to the sense of loss the poet feels, maybe because of the effect of losing someone. the use of imperatives seem to suggest urgency, especially coupled with the abrupt short lines. also urgency is implied in the second line whe the poet asks "or is it to late".
this poem reminds me of Carol Ann Duffy's anothology of poems "mean time" where she writes in a sort of notalgic sense of loss, not necessarily due to death, but because time passes by and it exists outside of our control.

Answer 4

Actually it has an abstract flow that I kind of like... you pick up on the nuances of feeling... the only word I don't like is spike... it is a sharp word that kind of breaks the flow when you read it... but otherwise pretty good.

Answer 5

I don't know how old you are but and if you did this on purpose but some of those lines sound like song lyrics to popular songs.

Answer 6

let it takes more heartly.. more nice words, more the poem type words and sentences like flowers and roses.. describe the things as it in other things.. like people rushing the mall on crowd of gashing waves.. hehe. i'm not too good too.. but, you need to always try.. read more poems.. eventhough you didn't really like em.. hehe..(^_^)

Answer 7

OK i am not a critic but i have read your poem, reread it and i still fail to understand it...

keep trying and good luck

Answer 8

The end doesn't seem to make closure with the beginning.

Answer 9

I understand it perfectly-can time heal all wounds?--would make a great song and i like it

Answer 10

Dont give up your day job