New School, New Year
as we walk together.
we hear the crowded voices,
see memories that will last forever,
in a place for many choices.
getting lost in pairs,
looking for a bathroom anywhere,
hiding from this new scare,
in classrooms unaware.
its a new school,
a time for new fears,
its not our time to rule,
its a new year.
2007-08-01 00:45:11 · 12 answers · asked by amarizzle 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
umm...i know i should rearange it im just unsure where i need too though!?!
2007-08-01 01:06:25 · update #1
Lilmeenie:
Yours is a descriptive poem, and a beautiful one, my only advise to you, is to Keep on writing. "Practice makes perfection" I'll be glad to buy a Poems book from you.
Back to your question, you describe the fears of the First day of class, and reminds me of the first time in school -I'm a teacher- many kids have to be pulled out of mom's arms, some cry, some look sad, some look insecure... All that mixed feelings we see reflected on the faces of the little ones.
2007-08-01 02:01:04 · answer #1 · answered by fide88101 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not sure I like the bathroom line. Your poem is depressing as it only speaks of fear. While that may very well be true for a new student that doesn't know anyone there, there are also positive things about attending a new school - making new friends, possibly a better education, better sports and extra curriculars. Maybe the student will become the new head cheerleader, or the new star running back, or basketball champ, prom king/queen. Perhaps the student had issues at their old school and this is an opportunity to start from scratch. I'm not trying to discredit what you have, I just think you could add more positive notes. Good luck!!
2007-08-01 00:52:41 · answer #2 · answered by Jim C 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well I think it's good. Particularly like 'getting lost in pairs' 'it's not our time to rule'
Reading it though I wonder if you could rearrange it - i.e. good lines just not in the right order.
Not sure about 'it's a new year' 'it's a new school' as the heading has already told the reader both those things.
'In a place for many choices' - not sure I get that.
But definitely worth working on as you've certainly got the talent.
Message to Audrey: The word was 'pairs' not Paris!
Perhaps try 'In a place OF many choices' or 'In a place WITH many choices'
2007-08-01 00:52:58 · answer #3 · answered by Dr Watson (UK) 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
8/10
2007-08-01 00:47:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a nice theme and the first Stanza gives a strong image of a school. Rhyming in poetry is over rated. Rhythm and emotive words are the key to really great poetry. Its not bad though. =D
2007-08-01 00:50:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to get credit for a quite descriptive poem of starting at a new school and you have placed feeling in most of your lines I like it ~~
2007-08-01 01:30:36 · answer #6 · answered by burning brightly 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you're too plenty in like to somebody to the make greater that youwould not settle for any element destructive out of your loved ones member too plenty . so as to make it short you ought to use your head on occasion not basically the coronary heart to avert disappointments in a protracted time.
2016-10-01 04:19:08 · answer #7 · answered by lepeska 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great theme but it needs work. You have some great constuctive criticism from the YA! folks.
2007-08-01 01:18:52 · answer #8 · answered by andyg77 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a little simple I don't care for the rythem but it's not bad. But not good in bewteen.
2007-08-01 01:17:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it would be better if it didnt rhyme because then it would come more froem your heart and thats what makes poetry great.
2007-08-01 00:55:07 · answer #10 · answered by lmreminger 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋