Family obligations in a marriage.?

Question

My wife and I had a big fight last night over our favourite topic to fight about - family obligations. She comes from a large family and is close to them. I can't stand them and the feeling is mutual.

We have come to an uneasy truce on the official events such as weddings and funerals. They are rare and I go without complaint (as least verbally). It is the greyer areas such as parties that we disagree.

I believe that I should be able to boycott these events if I want to. I won't miss them and they won't miss me. After all, I married her; not her family.

She says that it is only an occasional thing and that I should do it as part of marital family obligations, especially because she doesn't ask often (she doesn't).

I'd like mature opinions for either side of the argument.

Thanks.

Answer 1

Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice. Yes, you did marry her and not her family however, they are very important to her. This is one of those times that you should sacrifice your happiness because it is very important to your wife. Especially if later down the road you need her to support something she doesn't like, she will hopefully compromise and sacrifice just like you did. We don't always get our way in life but if it is for the happiness of our loved ones, sometimes it's worth it.

Answer 2

During our 37 year marriage, my relatives and his have at one time or another disliked our spouse. We had to come to the conclusion that they are RELATIVES not family. Family was my husband, me and the kids. That helped a lot. The well being of our family was what was important. After about 20 years they all decided that we were going to stay married and things eased up. We now get invited to the reunions etc.. I'm not saying that you will be accepted in 20 years or anything, but the both of you need to sit down and talk about this or the relatives will win the war. You two need this battle to show that if one is not welcome neither is the other because you are united front.

Answer 3

Does she go to your family events? Whether or not she likes them, you have the obligation to go to her family events if she goes to yours. See if together you can figure out what the issues are between her family and you. In the interest of marital harmony, it would certainly be beneficial to your marriage to see if these things can be worked out. I've been married for 30 years, and really don't like being around much of my husband's family. There were serious issues between us in the beginning. Now, all these years later, we've managed to work out our differences and have a pretty good relationship with 99% of them. There will be differences between the two families, but don't let that come between you and your wife. Smile sweetly through gritted teeth, and remind yourself that you're doing it simply because you love and adore your wife!

Answer 4

My family was terrible to my husband when we were dating. I was even disowned for a period of time. You wife must feel very torn. If she is close to her family choosing sides is so very difficult. I felt like I was dying sometimes.

Look at what she's going through, trying to make it work on both sides. She has given herself an impossible task, to make everyone happy. I know you will be very uncomfortable, but try for her sake. Maybe you go to every other function. Our solution was holidays and weddings and reunions.

things calmed down after I decided my life was with my husband and the family had to deal with it. It took a lot of time and support for my husband to get to that point. They are just starting to come around & we have been married for almost 4 years (dated for 6 years).

Good luck.

Answer 5

Why does her family dislike you so much? Just plain different worlds with your wife caught in the middle, or what?
If you don't go, they will have more ammunition to use against you, and it may erode your marriage. She needs your support when she is stuck in the middle like this. It makes you look like the bad guy if you stay away, and will really hurt your wife's feelings
There must be ONE person other than your wife you can hang out with? Some other inlaw who may feel the same as you?
I feel for you and understand your position but sometimes you just have to suck it up for your spouse.

Answer 6

I can relate to that.
I was never accepted by the first wife's family, and despised having to be around them. Unfortunately, family obligations are obligations. Regardless of how I felt, I sucked it in and would go. In the end, her family saw how I was, and began to accept me. The way things ended, I'm surprised they accepted her.
Anyway, go. Put a limit on length of time if you must, travel separate cars if you can(with an excuse as to why you need to leave early), but go.

Answer 7

I am in an almost similar situation as you. I don't make my husband go with me to family reunions or get togethers.There is a lot of tension between my brother and my husband and i don't want to add to the already boiling pot of water. However, I will go with him to his family reunions and get togethers but only because I don't him to go by himself. I go to support my husband. I have no issues with his family other than they are snobs.
Why put yourself in situations where you are uncomfortable? It just adds fuel to the fire. I agree that you married your wife and not her family. You have your own family now.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

I had similar problems, and I could almost minimize the time that I spent with the other family. Let's say, once in a month I saw them for a half a day, or an evening.

Answer 9

What are you a little boy. You cant suck it up, put on a good face and be an adult. And sorry to say, you knew she was close to her family when you married her so yes you did marry into her family.

Stop being a petty little boy, be a man and just go. If you cant find a way to enjoy yourself maybe you are the one with the problem.

Answer 10

You did marry her and your obligation is to have her back...if she only asks you to endure these gathering occasionally you should go.

Every time her family doesn't see you it adds fuel to their fire, one more reason to hate you and one more flaw to point out.

It also puts you wife in the awkward position of having to defend you against her families ire. And think about this if they already hate you they probably put alot of pressure on her when you are not there. Its difficult to choose between your family and your spouse, especially when your spouse isn't there to back you.