My new poem: Remains of our past (How is it so far)?

Question

As time slips by
Memories soon fade.
Gone is the warmth,
And vows that were made.

Whispers that haunt
Eyes that gaze
Are merely fragments
Of our past days

Traces of our dreams
Dissolve in the air
Rise with the mist
Along with our cares

Answer 1

Hey it sounds good so far, a little pessimistic, but that is valid. Check out Marcel Proust, he wrote an exhaustively introspective 3000 page book about lost memory, insane!

Answer 2

It's beautiful! I especially love the haunting words you chose, like "time" and "fade" and "vows" and "whispers," etc. Good alliteration with "dreams disolve"

Since you've got a rhyme scheme (a b c b), I suspect you aren't going for free verse. If you REALLY want to tighten it up (and I'm not saying you have to, just that it's an option), you might try to go for more 4-syllable lines (based on the first line). This would create only slight differences --

As time slips by
Memories fade (deleted "soon")
Gone is the warmth
And vows that were made

Whispers that haunt
Dark eyes that gaze (or bright eyes, or pained eyes... something to add an extra syllable)
Merely the fragments (deleted "are")
Of our past days.

Traces of dreams (deleted "our")
Dissolve in the air ("in" and "the" are a preposition and an article, neither of which is a powerful enough type of word for the extra syllable to count much)
Rise with the mist
Along with our cares.

BY NO MEANS am I saying this version is better. It's just "tighter" in structure, which may or MAY NOT create the effect you want.

Answer 3

First of all, nice poem. Your images are coherent and your ear is pretty good. Vaughn has some good points, and I understand her desire to help you with each line (a share that habit). The only other suggestion or advice I'd give you is that when you write a poem like this, where the first line of each stanza sets up the stanza, be careful to match the meter. One easy way to do this is to write them down one after the other to make sure they "sound" the same when you read them...like this:

As time slips by (4 beats)
Whispers that haunt (4 beats)
Traces of our dreams (5 beats) ! oops, too many beats!

This is what Vaughn was saying about dropping the "our"; not only does it add too many beats, it doesn't add any meaning.

If you want to ensure all the other lines follow the pattern in each other stanza, do the same thing to them. Remember, this is only if you want the rhyme and meter to perfectly match. You may, at times, deliberately want to add a beat, change the meter or the style (iamb, trochee, etc.) of the line because you want to draw attention to it. This usually happens at the end when you want to draw attention to a "turn" you're making...where the poem heads off in a different direction than the reader thought it was going.

In any event, these are pieces of advice I give to poets whose poetry is ready to go to the next level, to where the gem is formed and only needs to be polished...that's where you are...congratulations.

polish this little gem and keep writing

Answer 4

I would change Merely to mere, but outside of that it seems to coming along very well.

Keep writing.
Peace,
Sam

Answer 5

This good now what I would like would be scents to be added cause that's just how I am. But other wise a good start

Answer 6

the poem is actually great, it sounds as if its between two people but still i though the poem was...beautiful.^_^

Answer 7

Why not try for 'poem of the month' at myverdict.net

Answer 8

It needs some resolution I think.

Answer 9

that's a nice poem,
I like it.

Answer 10

Hey a got a poem too:

Memory...please don't go.
Memory...I love you so.
Memory...please don't go.
Memory...please for give me.

Father please...let me see her.
Father please...let me love her.
Father please...let me marry her.
Father please...let me die with her.

By: Brian G.