what can I say
about my false visions
is there a reason
for me to stay
mouth, burnt, filthy
I cannot pray
I am all in
my humility
will you laugh for me
I cry when I fall
for no reason
even at all
stabbed in the lung
this is healthy
like the time
I was hung
in your backyard
Am I now
Not as alive
as I had seemed
can you see
dead bodies
make piles
next to me
I am not as alive
as I had seemed.
2007-07-31 15:40:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
lack of good vocabularies
2007-08-01 05:09:35 · answer #1 · answered by Akshav 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have some good images, and some good lines, but they, are, too, choppy. Try reading this and see how it compares:
What can I say about my false visions?
Is there a reason for me to stay?
Mouth burnt, filthy, I cannot pray...I'm all in.
My humility; will you laugh for me
I cry when I fall, for no reason even at all.
Stabbed in the lung...this is healthy
like the time I was hung in your backyard.
Am I not as alive as I had seemed?
Can you see dead bodies make piles next to me?
Perhaps I am not as alive as I seemed.
...This is your poem, with only the word "Perhaps" added near the end. I took out a word or two, made a couple contractions...otherwise, it's the same poem...but it reads a great deal differently.
If the meaning has been changed, change it back. However, this was meant more to show you how different a poem can flow if you don't cut it up into pieces too small.
Nice poem, by the way.
2007-07-31 23:34:37 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly it was a little dark for my likings. On an unbiased in general opinion I think that it did not flow very well at all.
2007-07-31 23:28:00 · answer #3 · answered by Betty 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with KS's reply.
Very choppy.
Work on it some more and add some further structure.
Nice path to somewhere.
I look forward to you taking me further.
Peace,
Sam
2007-07-31 23:54:55 · answer #4 · answered by Sam 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not try for 'poem of the month' at myverdict.net
2007-08-01 07:53:26 · answer #5 · answered by Taffd 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was very good this has good rhythm. Keep posting i would like to read more.
2007-07-31 23:25:46 · answer #6 · answered by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good use of imagery there, i liked it
2007-07-31 22:49:52 · answer #7 · answered by Shorty 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋