I wrote a poem?

Question

so is it good, what should I change

WHEN WAR SHALL END IN DARKNESS

Ice cracks and dogs bark
Tires screech, the fire sparks
Lights blink, the wind blows
The hearts bleed, the dying moan
The Needles scratch, the grass is getting long
Drops of blood echo at the beat of the song
The lullaby is silenced during this deathly game
The men keep arguing, what goal remains to their aim?
And now the moon hides, as the blood drips
for all is lost, the broken heart’s finally rip
The lightning strikes as the children scream
And the innocent shall pay for our selfish schemes
The veil of shadows has now devoured the twilight sky
And red blood has been smeared from every battle cry
You can see the painted grins; and you can feel the wrath
You're all alone; in this twisted psychopath
you grab your gun, giving this world it’s one last kiss,
Thunder crashes, with no one left to miss
and now the clock ticks, as the hour strikes
Such fools are we not knowing wrong from right
And the doors slam, and chains will rattle
you thought you’d win the war, but you just lost the battle
And now this scene is set, and all shall go black,
and the curtains are raised, so ends the final act.
By now the Sirens are raging in this dreadful night,
through the sounds of horror, and the gasps of fright.
Through the Intense pain, and the smell of blood
Only the tearing eyes will begin to flood.
They will pull out the bodies one by one,
For they will now and never again see the sun.
And in a lightning flash, there will be no more pretend
The Tears shall fall, as you see the devastating end

Answer 1

awesome!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Okay, here goes...you started out with a particular rhyme scheme and meter...it lasted about 4 lines...then your lines got long, the meter changed, and you visited the world of babble. The first few lines really had promise, but you were unable to keep up the pattern. The downside is that had you kept up the pattern for as many lines as you wrote, it would have been tiring to both ear and eye. This is the trouble with rhymed poems...and trust me, I LOVE rhymed poems, but it is an inherent flaw with short lined rhymed poems.

The other problem is that we're not sure "who" the speaker is in the poem. Is the speaker a soldier, a terrorist, a journalist, an innocent bystander? Where does the "battle" take place? Who are the offenders? If your intent was to say that "any war" is bad, then you might as well put on your nazi youth outfit and pretend Hitler won WWII by default because you would rather serve a dictator than fight for freedom. Hey, war is a terrible thing, so is getting robbed, killed, raped, and hundreds of other crimes committed right here in the good old USA...but you don't see a lot of protesters protesting "kiddie pools" which claim the lives of thousands of little children every year...do you?

The bottom line is that when you pick a subject like "war", regardless which war, you have to be very careful to support your take on it. If you're going to generalize about war, then you need to accept the fact that it is not a modern invention, that many wars are fought to remove evil from the world, and that the good guy doesn't always win.

As far as your poem goes, you have contrasting images and you go from "telling" to "showing"...whereas you'd have been better off sticking with the "showing". Your images are okay, but they don't always follow the thought and you sometimes make mistakes of logic, as in "the curtains are raised, so ends the final act"...you "lower" a curtain to end an act, you don't "raise" it. Also, how can they "now and never again see the sun"? You would have been better off to just say "they will never again see the sun"..."now" is often misused and it seldom adds to the meaning of a poem (not "never", but "seldom").

Try this...try to rewrite your poem without feeling the need to rhyme. Just put down line after line and try to paint the image or convey the image you want to share. When it's all done, take a look at it and see if it would have been better had it rhymed...if it doesn't need to rhyme, don't make it rhyme. If there are certain passages that you feel would have more impact if they rhymed, just rhyme "those" passages...there is no rule that says if you rhyme once in awhile that you have to rhyme all the time. Also, try to say everything you need to say, the point you are trying to make, in less than 20 lines. If you can't, that's okay, but the idea is that you want to try and make your poem sharp, concise, a clean bite, not an hour of gnawing.

Your have a good ear, and apparently good mental vision, so give it a try...I bet you write a much better poem if you set your mind to it. Don't set out to write the best poem the world has ever seen...just write what you feel in your heart and see with your mind's eye...and you'll be fine.

keep writing

Answer 3

interesting. my suggestion is to consider the following statement: if a word doesn't add meaning in a poem, it must be discarded.

think about that and then take a fresh look at the poem. there are some words that can be cut. sort of like boiling something down to its essence. once you do that you'll have something very strong to work with. be sure to post another draft if you decide to edit.

Answer 4

Human emotions can come out in various study and/or misread techniques.you may attempt using a dictionary to advance your usual vocabulary and your vocabulary on the subject of rhymed words and sentences formerly using them in a prepare of writing poems or the different forms of expressive texts.however the fewer you employ them the greater possibly you're to sense such as you forgot approximately them,i assume.you ought to objective to place in writing down or form up wide-spread sentences first formerly attempting to interchange some words with rhyming synonyms or words.it may take time yet in spite of this,time will keep on entering into any case.So despite in case you failed and felt like switching to a diverse subjectively greater handy variety of exaggerated expression,it ought to no longer appear like a waste of time in case you probably did no longer think of and sense so.you ought to study poems and/or use that prefer of writing poems in,to illustrate,attempting to place in writing a poem on the subject of the act of writing poems and your relative emotions and factors(in case you felt this sort of prefer at a similar time as googling some maybe fairly discouraging-from a manner of finding at it-stuff)...

Answer 5

It's very good, it has excellent sound imagery. One suggestion is too not overuse the same word too often, at least in this poem. You used blood a lot.
Overall, it has emotion, question, and explanation in a very artistic fashion.

Answer 6

Overall, it's very excellent! You've got a talent and you know how to use it, the only reason I say overall, is because it seems kinda brutal, but other than that it's fantastic. Kep up the great work! :)

Answer 7

A little depressing but that's the sign of good poetry. I really like it