How can I discipline my husband?

Question

The last time he and I had a fight, he called me some pretty mean names. Even if he doesn't mean it, it's very disrespectful. How can I get him to understand that I will not tolerate that behavior. How do I punish him for it? Not speaking to him won't work since we must communicate about our new baby (ie. when did he last eat?) My feelings getting hurt isn't punishment enough because I "shouldn't be so upset." Help!

Answer 1

It's not about punishment. It's about changing behaviour.

The reason that you cannot seem to get him to understand that sort of behaviour is because you do tolerate that sort of behaviour. You need to tell him, there and then, every time he is rude to you, that it will stop now. NOW.

Do not accept "you shouldn't be so upset". That is an emotionally dishonest way of dealing with conflict. "You shouldn't feel that way, this is how you should feel." is a sick way of dealing with the consequences of having hurt someone.

It's like waving a red flag at a bull, isn't it?

If the name-calling (hell, I'll call it what it is)--if the verbal and emotional abuse continues, you need to ask yourself whether you really want to spend the rest of your life being a punchng bag.

That will be your choice, and yours alone. Not his. At the end of the day, you cannot change anyone's behaviour--but you can change how you respond to it.

Answer 2

You can't punish him... the concept won't work. Get counseling.

If you try to punish, you will just create a giant downward cycle. Anything you use to punish him will come back to haunt you 10 fold... this is just the way it works.

Try fighting in a better way. Read some books on how to fight nice and get him to read them too... if he does not... then drag him to counseling.

Also, you would be well served to get thicker skin. I am in no way saying you shouldn't be hurt, but knowing he is being childish should take the sting out, unless he is right and the truth is what hurts... example... if my wife called me 'baldy' because I am loosing my hair, I am not offended because the mere idea of name calling nulls the sting and pain. Why should I be offended by someone with such a childish mind??? answer... I am not.

Answer 3

Are you his parent or his wife, is mother or his lover; his judge and jury or his partner and confidant? If you really believe he needs punishment then you need to seek help in understanding how mature relationships works.

Now then, with that out of the way, what you are seeking is behavior modification and the best way to achieve that is through EFFECTIVE communication. The key word here is EFFECTIVE. Effective communication means that the lines are open on both ends and that each person agrees that both listen, and hear, what the other is saying.

To be very honest with you I think you need more help then simply talking to us here on Yahoo. I would ask that you call a local counselor or seek out some help from your local church.

And incase you think I’m just another nut on a keyboard I’ll set my credentials for you. First, I have been married for 23 years to the same women and we have survived our fair share of arguments. Secondly I have my MBA from UIU (A top 100 university) in OB/OD –Leadership Training where I graduated with a 4.0 GPA and Sigma *** Laude honors. When a person who spent nearly $100,000 on his education and has been published in a number of journals gives you free advice you might want to listen.

Answer 4

Discipline, punishment, and not speaking to him will solve nothing. Handle it in an adult way by telling him "we need to talk". Sit down with him and calmly let him know that name calling is a deal breaker for both of you in a marriage and won't be tolerated. Hopefully, he'll be mature enough to understand. I have to have a couple of those talks a year with my hubby. Fortunately, we communicate well and it works for us. In 9 years of marriage we've only had about 3 arguments and they were resolved quickly. Hope it works for you, too.

Answer 5

Is your husband 16? I understand your need to communicate that is name calling is hurting you, (which is healthy) but feeling the need to 'discipline' your husband strikes me as a bit strange.

The moment he starts saying mean things, leave the room. The point of his abuse is to hurt your feelings and get a reaction out of you that then justifies further abuse i.e. she called me a name back so therefore it's now ok to be abusive b/c she's being abusive too. Does that make sense? Don't play into his hands and don't respond at all. Get out of the room, and speak to him about your feelings when he calms down. Oh, and you probably know but verbal abuse constitutes domestic violence.

Answer 6

How about some anger management classes, and lessons of forgiving and forgetting. Im sure that things said in the heat of the moment arent typical of the way that you treat each other. it also sounds like your are no picnic to live with. Sorry, but this kind of thinking only leads to divorce. And while your in the process of all this, do try to go up a bit. May save your marriage.

Answer 7

Don't tolerate the event when it happens. Walk out at the first sign of abuse... yes this is verbal abuse. Trying to change him with a punishment won't work and will make things worse. The best thing when this starts is to disengage.

Your feelings are always valid. They are the only thing you truly have that are yours. He should honor those feelings, not disrespect them.

You should seek counseling with him if he will go, if not, by yourself. The counselor will teach you both how to "fight fair".

Answer 8

Are you and he married adults or children?

Fights, nasty names, and seeking a way to punish him?

Maybe if you ground him for a week and don;t let him play in the sandbox with Jimmy?

You guys need to get help - and grow up - learn how to fight without nasty names and desires to punish afterwards.

ADDED: How come everyone who commented on the obvious need for you both to grow up have "thumbs down"?

Answer 9

You can't discipline your husband like you would a child, but you can punish him. But why not try sitting down and talking to him about how it makes you feel when he speaks to you this way. Then if it doesn't work, get even!!

Answer 10

Walk away when he is rude, and if he follows, explain to him that it is unacceptable to call you names and if he wants to have a discussion, then he needs to watch his temper. Also, remember that you are mommy to your baby, not him, so "punishment" is not necessary..