Fellow Wives: My husband and I have had some typical marriage problems lately...?

Question

My husband claims I nag all the time and treat him like he's 2. Keep in mind, he has been gone in the police academy for 6 months. I have raised our 2 yo pretty much by myself due to his work-related long-term absences and his work schedule (works opposite hours I work and usually takes daughter to babysitter during the day so he can sleep, fine). The other day, we went to visit him in Chicago (we are moving as soon as I find a job). Leaving the hotel, some of my belongings (none of his) were in the room and we would have to make a second trip to get them. I asked if he had the room key, because I didn't. He said he was going to leave the door open to go to the car. I said no because my things were in the room. He got angry because I was "treating him like a 2 yo", correcting his decision that he said, "didn't effect" me. THEY WERE MY THINGS!!! HIS THINGS WEREN'T THERE TO GET STOLEN AND I WAS MAKING THE TRIP BACK UP TO GET THEM, SO WHY DOES HE CARE IF I LOCK THE DOOR OR NOT?!

Answer 1

I agree with the other person who said it was probably not what you said but how you said it. Yes men get on our nerves. But we get on theirs a lot too. My husband says he can't stand it when I talk to him like a 2 year old. He says my tone sounds like I think he's a loser or or an idiot. I have had to really work at saying things the way they should be said to anyone including me. So in that case I might have said "honey please let's grab the key and lock the door. I'm nervous about leaving my stuff in ther room." see you've taken completely responsibilty for your feelings and not acted like he's dumb for not thinking of that.

You are so right when you say these problems are typical. It only got better for us when we started being honest and listening to each other. Now I tell him "when you say _____ I feel like you're really saying_________" and he tells me the same things. I am now more careful when talking to him because I don't want him to think of me as this nagging wife who is never satisfied with anything he does.

Answer 2

You guys are having typical problems but its not what you think. You have been running the household, being mom and dad. And doing it well. He's been gone but now he's back and he is trying to find his place. You also are probably resentful that you have had to be everything to everyone and you need a break. No matter how supportive you are, you can't help but to be overwhelmed.

You could go for counseling, it might help. But frankly this is my advice. Get a babysitter for the weekend, drop them off at grandma's or a friends, and have some alone time. You need to reaquaint yourself, and no matter if you can afford a hotel or cabin in the woods or you simply tell someone you are going someplace and you stay at home, spend at least 24hrs together. No talking about the kids, and no cleaning up. Simply get several bottles of champaine, enough special foods for the weekend, and camp out. Keep the tv off, don't answer the phone, (check it to make sure the kids are ok), but don't call unless the house is on fire or some other extreme emergency. Start by sharing a glass and let your husband talk about the acedemy. Talk, nap, drink, take a bath together, drink some more, talk, nap, give massages, read poetry or dirty books, drink some more, talk some more and nap some more. If it works for you, have some sex, but only if you want to after you have done the above. This is your husband, not your child. You are his wife, not the maid. Reconnect who you are to each other, and get some rest. You guys must be exhausted.

Answer 3

sara - ever stop to think that there are better things to argue about than a hotel door? If you comment all the time about little things like that - I can see how he feels you are nagging.

Was it that scummy of a hotel that you think there is someone lurking around the corner ready to dive into the room and steal your things? Or realistically, if the door was left slightly ajar, like most people do when they go to get ice or a soda, the hotel was good enough to where anything in the room would be safe for a few minutes...

You are taking your frustration over the fact he has been gone, and probably the stress of him being a police officer and putting himself in danger, out on the little things....instead of being truly honest with him about how you are feeling.

Time to have a heart to heart with him...say you are sorry for all the little petty disagreements and tell him what is REALLY on your mind.

Answer 4

Whoa, back down sister......lol
Your right your things he should know better then to leave the door open to let others in. If he is learning anything in school they should be teaching him that you don't tempt people....lol
Sounds like you all need to take sometime to just listen to each other maybe take some time for just you and him. Time apart is stressful enough without adding fights on top of it. He is stressed cause of school and being away from his family. You are because of raising child and having to move to a new place and find a job. Sit and talk really think about what you want to say before you say them....

Answer 5

I know I know, every married woman in the world can relate at some point in their marriage - just keep in mind that men in general don't like to feel like their wives are telling them what to do - I think it goes back to their moms and whatnot - it sounds like you have a lot of "hidden" issues with his job,school,schedule whatever that you might not admit to being ill about, but if you mentioned it - it is probablly nagging you on some level. Just try this - if you really love your husband and want for your marriage to work - then use reverse psychology - instead of "telling" him what to do - start asking, and in advance as much as possible. I know, I know, it would be easier to chew off your own arm sometimes - but it works. For example - if your yard needs to be mowed b/c he has been "too busy" to do it for weeks (never mind the long Saturdays off with his friends or sitting around watching old movies on Sunday) By the way, how do they look the neighbors in the face? Anyhoo, Try to "ask" him - something like, "do you think you could help me in the yard this coming up weekend? I would love to have it looking good and all." There are no easy answers, just remember that it takes a lot of compromise and work. Good luck

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you're stressed with your workload and being apart (in different cities) is a strain on your relationship. Maybe just being a bit more mindful of your tone of voice (I know how tempting it is to let that irritation creep in) and seeing if that changes his behavior is something you might try. Otherwise, if you guys can talk about what's bothering each of you and come to an understanding as to why you've been arguing, maybe then he'd be a bit more mindful of your situation and realize this isn't easy on you, and you'll kinda watch about taking that anger and resentment out on him. I'm reading a lot of anger and resentment here. You've given up a lot (as has his daughter) for him to have his career. He needs to understand that. At the same time - I imagine this must be a sacrifice for him, too, being away from the two females he loves so he can give you both, and himself, a better life.

Answer 7

Men want a couple of things from their wives which they don't often get:

Respect
Unconditional Acceptance
Awe

Let me explain. When my wife tells me what a great guy I am around the house, even though I've screwed up my share of things around the house - I feel POWERFUL! That woman makes me feel like I am a better man than I really am.

She has learned over many long years that nagging and treating me like a child doesn't yield as satisfactory results as the unconditional love and respect.

Cut the poor guy some slack! He's trying to get himself into a position to take care of his family - is that WRONG?

FP

Answer 8

because he's a man. They make no sense. They come with no rule books. Basically we have to treat them like they are two because that's how they act 99% of the time. maybe he was just having a bad day, or he was thinking about something else. My dad last night (mainly because i still live with my parents and i find this comical) got mad and pouted in his room because he burnt the bread in the oven. That was it. He didn't eat dinner, he pouted. It was rather entertaining because the bread wasn't even really that burnt, it was just a little dark...yeah they all act like that, even when they're all grown up. Just let it roll off, talk to him about it later and know that sometimes we just have to smile and nod while thinking "you're such an idiot but i love you!"

Answer 9

You both sound really stressed out, seriously. Going through any police acadamy is really hard, maybe harder than you realize, on the whole family.
If you're both getting so upset at little things that don't matter, you need to get away for a few, when you can, and focus on each other. Get him to talk about what he's going through in the acadamy....alot of times, they have to go through crap from the instructors, which may explain his outburst of feeling like you're treating him like a 2 yr old. Who knows?
communicate....find some time and talk about what's going on in each other's life. He may be overloaded right now, and may need you to really be there for him for now. That's ok in a relationship, as long as it balances back out when things are better.

Answer 10

I feel you were not wrong in being concern over your things being left in that room. Sometimes it is the way one expresses themselves that could make a difference in the way they are heard. It sounded as if you made it an order when you said to your husband, "NO". You may not have meant it that way, but he most likely heard it that way. You could have said to your husband, "Honey I really do not feel comfortable with leaving the door unlocked because of my things being in the room". It is the way you say it that counts. Also, it helps to not use words such as "you never", "you always", instead try using, "I feel", "I am concerned" etc etc.