Who's still in it for the kids?

Question

I believe I know the answer, but I think there are more people staying in the marriage for the kids in hopes that the marriage will improve then ones who got out....

Im at the end of my rope and Im deciding how long I should keep putting forth the effort...

Im looking for people who stayed for the sake of the kids and i would like to know if it got better and how long did it take, or if nothing got better and youre still working on improving the marriage, and how long you been doing it for? Any advice is welcomed

ok we're very civil in front of the kids, but Im concerned b/c there is zero affection in front of them and it worries me that they're not seeing enough mommy and daddy hugging and laughing.

As for what am I doing to improve? I sit with my wife and watch her shows and I rub her feet, I keep my spirits up and continue to compliment her and do my best not to cause conflict..basically I walk on eggshells.

cherry I agree, im thinking the sooner the better. my parents divorced when i was two and i turned out alright. I never knew them together..

My son is three and my daughter is new born. My issues with my wife stem way before she was pregnant with our second....When I married her I was sure she was the one and i promised to myself I wouldnt let happen to them happen to me..I did some good work with that, eh?

Answer 1

One day at a time brother.

Every time you think you can't take it anymore just look at their faces. I do and just tell myself I can make it another day.

Don't listen to the people who tell you the kids are better off with you being divorced. As long as you don't fight in front of them usually they don't know whats going on.

They don't run the risk of losing their kids.

Answer 2

We have been married 13yrs and there's no doubt in my mind that if we didn't have 2 children we would have been divorced already.
Unlike a lot of marriages that fail because of abuse or affairs our situation is that we grew apart and stopped being friends.
Fact is we are both great parents with great kids but we suck as man and wife sometimes but that is not a good enough reason to throw the towel in. Our issues are fixable and it takes effort but I'll be damned if I'm going to quit.
I have been where you are many times and have seriously contemplated leaving but when I consider that doing so would destroy our family unit and devastate my husband and children I feel that I owe it to them to stay and work things out.
Some will disagree but I think marriages are worth saving and divorce is not always the solution. We don't give up on the ones we love unless we have done everything possible to make the situation better. I know I still have work to do, can you say the same? Best of Luck :-)

Answer 3

Think long and hard before you do anything. You can't go back.

If there's a lot of fighting in the house and both people are really miserable, you're not making it any better on the kids by staying.

MY situation on the other hand... we get along decently, I believe he still loves me, but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with him anymore. (And we have a kid.) So, I don't know. I see leaving as breaking 2 hearts, and I hate to do that to my daughter. I wish she could grow up in a happy family with both parents. So... I don't know what to tell you. :) If you can remember what attracted you in the first place to your mate (you must have felt in love at some point), and if you can really work to recapture that (and the mate is willing to work too)... maybe it's worth the effort for the kids.

I think it's easy to look at the other pasture with its green grass and imagine a life that's so much better than our own, but think of the downside too (cause every scenario has a downside). Is a divorced life (with the ex-- no getting away from her, if you have kids) worth it? Will it be an improvement to see your kids on the weekends, spend a big chunk of your salary to child support payments, live in a little apartment-- alone, etc.? If there's someone else you have your eye on, there's no guarantee that you won't run into the same problems with her as with your current wife. We tend to be attracted to the same types of people again and again. (And make the same mistakes again and again.)

I do believe that there are some people who should have never gotten together, and in that case, don't make the kid miserable by sticking it out. Think about the kids' life. Is it better now, or would it be better after a divorce?

Counseling is always worth a shot, too. I tried it once and it was pretty worthless, but I've found someone new through church and I'm thinking about giving it a go again, in hopes of re-sparking something with my husband. I've come to the realization that if I love my daughter more than myself, I have to not put my needs first.

There's a book you might want to check out: "The Five Languages of Love." Talks about everyone having these "accounts," so to speak, (whether they be sexual, talking, spending time having fun, whatever) and when they're filled up, we feel free to give love to others. But, life depletes them and we look for our mates to re-fill. The problem is that everyone has different requirements, so we figure, "I'm offering her sex all the time! What's her beef?" when she needs something else. She might be cooking you great meals but never giving you hugs, and wondering why you have a problem feeling her love. Gotta communicate and see what each person needs. I hope for the best for you.

Answer 4

The reason that most of us got married in the first place was "for the sake of" children that we imagined, but had not even met. Shouldn't you feel even more, not less, compelled to make your marriage work now that you know and love your children?

As parents we do a million things "just for the sake of" our children." We drive carpools (not fun), change diapers (not fun), and watch our bodies get demolished by pregnancies (not fun.) Yet, no one would ever suggest that it is OK for a parent to ignore a soiled diaper because to change it is only for the "sake of the child." So why is it OK for a parent to opt for divorce when the "only" thing at stake is the "sake of the child?"

Should parents in high conflict marriages-marriages marred by physical and verbal abuse-stay married for "the sake of their children?" No. Ditto for marriages destroyed by a spouse's drug or alcohol abuse and gambling addictions.

The "for the sake of the children" question really comes into play where a couple is getting divorced because they are bored, or because they think that it is easier to begin fresh with someone else than to go through counseling with their spouse. It is in those cases that I believe that parents should do everything possible to stay married so long as their children are living in their house.

I believe that your happiness as an adult should not interfere with the welfare of your children, whenever possible. You’re the adult, and they are just kids. The fireworks may have fizzled from your marriage and you may not even find your spouse interesting or attractive. But she is the mother of your children and you should invest considerable time, attention, soul-searching and honest introspection before making a decision to forever change the dynamics and stability of your marriage and your home.

Personally, I have been there...and I know my husband has as well. Althought the sex has always been great, there was zero affection for quite some time. We have gone through phases where we fight every day (not in front of the kiddies). However, we have worked through it and our marriage is better for it. It was worth sticking it out in our instance. We are both happy for now....there are ups and downs. It is hard to put a time frame on something like this. I think if your wife is putting in any effort or interest at all keep working at it. If you honestly feel you have done everything you can and she just no longer cares....I suppose, why prolong the inevitable?

It's a tough question and something only you can decide. Good luck and I hope you find happiness. You sound like a wonderful father and husband. Your family is very lucky to have you. I appreciate your brutal honesty in your questions and answers. You can be a bit crude, but it only makes you more endearing. :)

Answer 5

If you can find any way to make it work, do it.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.

My ex and I didn't really do this, and how I wish I had known then what I know now. My kids who are now 16 and 14, were 8 and 6 at the time, and although they both know it was in our best interests to separate, it doesn't make their lives any easier. We share week to week custody and the girls HATE it. Sure, they get by, they have learned to adjust, but it is not what I envisioned their lives would be like when I was pregnant with them.
You say you are putting forth the effort, and I commend you for that. Just put your heart into it if it is not really there. Women are very perceptive and intuitive, and we can tell if you are faking the emotions. If you really want it to work, you have to put up 100%, it's not a 50/50 thing at all. I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Yeah maybe they trying it for the kids, but it a win win situation because the problem that the parents have with one another never been solve so the kids have to hear the physical and verbal abuse maybe mental abuse to now you at the ending of your rope with your back against the wall if you leave you be the worst daddy/mom in the world I suggest that you and your spouse need a vacation together right a list down about what problem you have between each other give her/him some nice flower and a nice long bath and think about that women/man that you fell in love with and stop speaking negative about the situation turn it to possitive and keep everybody out your relationship the in-laws sister/brother etc you to can make it just keep negative out of your life communicate with one another pray keep the faith be stong for your family dont let satan erupt your family love what GOD gave you a wondeful family. May God bless you and ever area in you life. Love you

Answer 7

Personally, I feel that you should give counseling a try before you end your marriage. You are a family and should be united as one. Issues can be worked out and love can be rekindled. If you know that you have tried your absolute hardest to make your marriage work without any results then it is too late and you should get a divorce, but I wouldn't want to split up my family knowing that I hadn't tried everything in my power to keep the family together and honor the vows that I made on my wedding day.

Answer 8

Yep, I've been staying with my spouse because of the kids and for all the reasons you outline. We're civil to each other, but no affetion between us. I have kids and I believe this isn't good role model for the boy... he doesn't see how a husband should treat a woman - affection respect etc. and really... same for the daughter too. . My spouse has gotten stranger over the last couple of months and I know he is looking now to separate. I wanted him to try counselling. He refused. No way no how. He has issues. Lots of them. I've tried very hard to make things work, but not getting too far.
here's a blog I read where she is dealing with the same stuff. I think she's had enough though.

Answer 9

Well, I can't give advice because I need that answer myself! I know what your going through. It just seems wrong to give up without a fight, but I'm the only one fighting! I've got 2 children, the youngest is only 5 months old. Sometime I think that it would be better to just get it all over with before they are old enough to understand what's going on. Growing up in a divorced family can be better than growing up in a home without love between the 2 people who should love each other the most.

Answer 10

You know I tried that but it didnt work. Sometimes it is best to just go. Your kids may have it rought at first but it is a life they can live with. My kids see there dad when ever they want or he can . They are with me they have wonderful parents on all ends they have several sets of grandparents and lots of step bros and sis. They are happy. A marrage isnt about staying in it for the kids it is between man and woman. It is about two people becomeing one and doing all they can to make life wonderful and easy for each other. It takes two and if its one sided it will never work. No matter how hard YOU try. It is two not one.