How long for the seperation?

Question

I have taken back both of my children from my wife after we have been seperated for 6 months. During this time, she has met someone without us having any divorce paperwork, she was the one that left in the first place. Her reason was she could not take any more of the "problems" that we were having. I took my children back because she was just drinking and her "relationship "was not at all healthy. The guy just had his only problems to handle but they both don't realize that. I have told my "wife" that I would like for us to be a family again. I know she has an alcohol problem and she needs to do alot of soul searching for herself. I feel I need to do this because I don't want my children to see all that ugly stuff about alcohol. We have been married for 16 years and I just recently realized about Chemical Dependency and beginning to read more about it.I really do love her a lot and willing to look past all the nastiness we had in our marriage, but the root problem has to be uncovered.

Answer 1

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I understand you still love your wife. However, it really sounds like you did the right thing by your children by taking them to live with you. The children need a stable home where they feel safe, loved, and are allowed to grow in health and stability.

I honestly think that with your being seperated for six months already it would be a shame for you to take her back when she has shown no regard for you or your feelings and especially no regard for the welfare or safety of your children. She is placing her priorities on her drinking problem and getting into unhealthy relationships which only allow her to drink more.

Your wife is not really concerned with anything except her drinking. She doens't wish to get help or she would have already. I am sorry, but I honeslty think you and the children are much better off leaving her to her choices. You are already on the road to recovery, recovery from a broken marriage.

As you were married for such a long time it is going to take some time for you to heal the wounds of your broken marriage. If you allow yourself to understand she has made her choices, that she has abondoned you and the children for her alcohol addiction, that this is a conscience choice on her part, and then allow yourself, give yourself permission to live without her, you will eventually heal.

While your wife is actively drinking she will be around a lot of poor sorts of people. What I mean is she will be around other alcoholics who are not the best types of influances you wish around your children. If you take her back she will continue to drink and take your children into dangerous situations. The types of people who are active in their addiction do all sorts of reprehensible actions. They will do anything to get their drug of choice and your children will be around these sorts of influances. They will think this is normal and be more likely to get into these types of behaviors themselves when they are older.

You must think of your children first. While your heart and needs matter too, you are an adult and can make adult decisons and engage in healthy adult behaviors. Your children are young. They do not have the wherewithal to fully understand the ramifications of alcoholism or drug addiction. Your wife is around active addicts. This means not only other alcoholics, but drug addicts too. This is not healthy for your children.

While you may think a bad mother is better than no mother at all, you would be mistaken. Your children can and will be irretrevably harmed if allowed around their mother and her boyfriends and drinking/drug buddies. They will think this behavior is normal and acceptable, regardless of what you say to them.

I know because I was in a simular situation, only I was the legal guardian of four children of a woman who use to be a 'friend". She refused to quite drugs and choose to leave her children in my care rather than stop and be a mother to them. I made the huge mistake of allowing visitation when she wasn't clean and she caused irrepairable harm. One child is dead. I won't get into how or why, just trust me that a bad mother is not better than no mother at all. To think this couldn't happen to your children would be blind. Anytime a person is in that sort of enviroment and children are taken into it or are around it they will be harmed.

If your wife chooses to be clean then and only then should you allow any visitation. In fact, superivsed visitation would be best until and if she proves she is sober. People who drink to that degree can appear sober when they are not. They need more and more alcohol to acheive the same degree of buzz less alcohol use to give them. They drink every day and this builds up in their system and causes them to be drunk even when they appear sober.

While she is actively drinking your wife is a threat to the welfare and safety of your children. She is not a person you should have around you and your children. It is as simple and as hard as that.

I am sorry to be so forthright here, but this is a very serious issue. I am very sorry for the pain you are experiancing, but I assure you it can be far worse than it is right now. Especially if you allow her back into your life, heart and home. You are on the road to recovery, please consider staying there. This is a horrible situation, but life has so much more to offer you and your children if you stay away from her. If you allow her back the pain will only get worse and that would be a shame.

Good luck and I sincerely hope you stay apart from your wife. Get divorced and move on with your life, and protect your children, as they have nobody but you to do so.

P.S. Yes, it is good to fight for a relationship, but there does come a time when facts must be faced. No matter what you do, unless and until she decided to get sober she will be a bad influance in your children's lives and will cause only more harm and hurt. In the long run we have to determine what is best for all involved. Sure she may need your help, but your children not only need your help more, they depend on you totally. She can make her own way in the world, they can't. There are times when you must face facts and move on. This is one of those times. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. Love is wonderful, but it is a nightmare when one is doing all of the loving and the other is doing all of the taking and hurting. I think sixteen years is plenty of time to give a woman who refuses to stop drinking. You know this has been going on a long time.

Answer 2

Sweet Pea that is great how you feel about your queen in this terrible time. First off, the Mrs. has got to get help for that drinking problem if she don't than it is useless at this point. One way you can help is by asking her to set up a date were you both can talk over some things. If she is willing you let her know what you said in this letter that you love her no matter what and you want to see the best things happen in her life like keeping the beautiful family she already has. See, you have to know that this really isn't her that is acting out like this its the alcohol, and she really needs your help. The boy friend is really someone to pass time with, I am sure she love you and you would just have to help her take this problem to the next level which is AA, and some counseling. Please don't ever give up because in the long run you will know in your heart you fought for your family not matter what it took, and God will bless you because of it. You stand strong and keep on being the magnificent person you are. God bless you !

Answer 3

Until she hits rock bottom I doubt she'll listen, but you should know this from the reading you have been doing.

You can wait for this to happen and minimize the damage she can do to you and your kids until then, or you can let her go and move on. I doubt anything else you do will have any positive effect on the situation.

Answer 4

don't believe all the hype, that "chemical dependancy" crap is just an excuse for lazy people like her to keep using. Just give heran ultimatum, and if she doesn't follow, take the kids and move on

Answer 5

personoly i think you should be a familly agin but if she left you for a dumb reason don't be a familly agin because she justs wants you to take her back she is doing it on perpis ok.