been together for 7yrs. i have 3 kids & he has 2 from our previous marriages. i found out 3yrs ago he has a child he wants nothing to do with & nobody knows about. she is 6yrs. he was 30yrs and she was 18yrs. this makes me ill. still i'm with him. he has physically abused me since we've been together. (broken hand, bruised kidneys, etc.)& never in front of kids i never reported it, too ashamed. he's always so sorry after. this where i get confused, abuse is getting a little farther apart. he doesn't belittle me, or call me bad names like i hear in other stories. he tells me how much he loves me & how beautiful i am all the time but he lies constantly & hurts me & recently made me have an abortion, i'm a wreck over it. every1 in town, his family & friends think he's a great, charming, fun guy but they don't know the real him. they tell me i'm so lucky. my friends & family see the real him. he's mean to them too. i don't know y i stay? y is it so hard 2 leave him? shouldn't i leave?
2007-07-31 08:06:22 · 24 answers · asked by little "t" n 3 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
in other areas of my life i'm pretty strong and independant. i work full time at a job that i love and love my children more than anything. he has been to counseling and angermanagement classes in the past. aboviously that didn't work. i'm not an ignorant person yet i feel so confused by this situation. i'm not sure that i love him or love who i believed he was when we met. i am fearful of leaving. all my friends and family and even children tell me that i'm strong and they have faith in me. i know my self esteem is down and that's why i keep second guessing myself. it's a vicous cycle and i'm not sure how to end it. i've even got to a point that i'm waiting for something "bad" to happen so that i have an immediate reason to make him leave. i know that doesn't sound smart and it's a little scary. i know i already have reason enough. my children don't like him because they say that he is fake and only pretends to like them because he wants me. i want out i just am not sure how to do it.
2007-07-31 09:34:41 · update #1
Because, Love, you have been conditioned over time to think no more of yourself than HE does. You've become beaten down, and you've also become "co-dependent" thinking you "need" and "love" him. Probably hoping that over time he will grow up and change too, but my suggestion is that what you see is what you get. He won't change. This is the REAL deal. Now do you REALLY want this for yourself and for your kids? Then think about where you are right now. You are below his feet, as low as you can go emotionally, on the floor. No place to go but UP. STOP letting this man do to you, what you wouldn't let someone do to a stray animal in front of you. Find some self love. Some pride, and love for yourself. Realize you are beautiful, and you are STRONG! You HAVE to be strong to deal with this as you have. Now, take that strength, and turn it around.....not as a victim, but as someone in control of her OWN destiny! You won't feel like you have the strength at first, but you keep exercising it even when you don't feel it until one day you DO! Who cares who thinks how lucky you are, or how great you have it! Who cares who he is fooling on the outside or what they think. He is NOT fooling you. Do you want a better life? Then stand up and TAKE it, Honey. Life is too short for all of this. He cannot do to you, any more than you let him do. It's time for this to stop, and if you want change, it has to begin with you. Be brave, and go for a better life.
2007-07-31 08:14:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Having been a victim of a rape four years ago, I think I can give some of my perspective on this question. For a time after it occurred, probably about a year and a half, I did have a lowered self-esteem, there is no doubt about that. I don't know if it made me any more vulnerable, but I did have some esteem problems. Now my self esteem has recovered thankfully. Prior to being raped, I had never been abused. Since I was raped four years ago, I haven't been raped again. However, some guy on the Tokyo subway did fondle me under my skirt in a crowded train when I visited Japan not too long ago. But I don't think that had anything to do with any signals I was sending. Rather, it was a situation where he took advantage of being anonymous and in a crowded environment with people all crammed together. When I was raped, a stranger took advantage of my being a naive teen in the big city by myself for the first time. Now, I don't think someone could do that again. It is, I think, more a matter of whether you've learned some skills and things to deal with situations rather than an abuser picking up on your having been a victim in the past. A person that does not have the knowledge and skills to deal with a potential rapist/abuser might not acquire them after being victimized or might be in the same social/family situations that contributed to the first victimization and then be victimized again. So, I think this 'victim vibe' thing is probably a simplistic description and erroneous conclusion about the real causes of multiple rapes and abuse. I could be wrong of course, but that is how it seems to me.
2016-05-19 00:39:44 · answer #2 · answered by aisha 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could write you a speech or tell you to leave, but ultimately that would be minimalizing your situation and replacing your husband with another person bossing you around. I am sure you have been victimized enough, and likely will be by some of the ignorant answers that tend to come up here (though there are definitely some good ones this time around). Let me just say that your plight is actually a common one and you are not alone. I recommend three things that you can do when YOU are ready:
1. Think about your children and how this is affecting them. Think of how scared they are when you are abused, and think about what they are learning about relationships. That should provide you with the motivation to do something.
2. Call the cops if he ever hurts you again. They can help you, and will. If you are afraid of the cops, then try calling and asking specifically for a victim advocate instead, or try a women's shelter.
3. Check out the websites below for better information on freeing yourself and understanding what you are going through. The first one even has a hotline you can call. You are not alone. I wish you the best of luck in escaping this situation and taking control of your own life. It is very tough, but you can do it!
2007-07-31 08:17:11 · answer #3 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A very close friend of mine has a husband who is abusive, yet she stays. He has "good months" where he may not call her names and he hasn't been physically abusive in a few years. Yet, he's still a creep. He talks down to her. He has made her feel unworthy. He moved her far from here because she was getting too "buddy buddy" with some girl friends (me included.)
I have begged her to leave. She's read every book on abuse. She knows he's abusive, but she sticks around for more. I am afraid for her life and the lives of her two kids and another which is on the way. I have offered her space in our home. She could go to her parents.
I've learned this. An abused person will stick in there with the abuser through thick and thicker. You truly need to talk with someone who loves you. Or a counsellor. I would give anything for you to leave him and take care of your kids in a healthy environment. He may not physically abuse you in front of the kids, but if you think for a minute they don't understand, you're wrong.
Pretend for a moment that it's one of your kids in your situation. Would you want them to stay? If you model for them that this is a healthy relationship, it's likely they WILL find someone just like him. God bless you. Good luck.
2007-07-31 08:21:43 · answer #4 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry to hear you are in this stressful and dangerous stituation..I agree with most of the other answers you got already...This man is NOT a good person, and you have been taught that this is OK by him- and it is not. True love is kind and patient; he is manipulating you and that is why you feel confused...He SAYS one thing- but actions speak louder than words !!!
You are in a VERY toxic relationship, and chances are he will not improve unless HE realizes he has a SEVERE problem!
There is nothing you can do to help him overcome his issues- HE HAS to WANT to change and he has to go to therapy or counseling.
I'd say get your things together, get some money, pack your things- and your kids' as well- and contact your family and friends. You need help in order to start a new life away from this man! Please remember that we can change no one except ourselves- and you and your kids need to be in a safe, comfortable environment, not in this abusive household. Think about your safety and also your children's...Do you want them to grow up in this situation, and to grow up believing this is normal??? Children learn by watching what adults around them do...and in the future they will possibly repeat this abuse pattern because it was "normal" for them to live in it!
PLEASE take care of yourself and leave your husband. He is NOT a good man and he will not change ! You deserve better. Good luck!!!
2007-07-31 09:09:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why Stay? All to often people are quick to blame the victim for staying in an abusive relationship. They believe he or she likes or needs the abuse"loves he abuser too much,"or has a self-esteem problem. However,there are a variety of reasons why victims stay in these relationship. As the abused, the best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself. If your life in danger,the best to do is leave the situation.You should not have to sleep with one eye open simply b/c someone told you you had to stay out of obligation to your spouse.Of course marriage is an obligation; however.God does not sanction violence
2007-07-31 11:42:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you feel so weak because he has beaten you down until YOU feel like you are nobody. I'm here to tell you that you are somebody and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Call your local domestic violence agency and talk to someone. It's confidential. They can help give you your options. It's possible they may even have a therapist on staff you could see. Leaving someone that you love or staying with someone who you don't feel as if they love you is never easy. It will be hard no matter what your decision, but you can do it and overcome it!
2007-07-31 08:19:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to leave because he is manipulating you. When he is abusive, and then nice about it, he makes you think you made him do it and he can change. It's wrong.
People don't change.
You are depressed because he has been wearing out your self-esteem for so long. They do it on purpose, because strong women don't leave.
He broke your hand? He bruised your kidney? He's not sorry. He is an abuser and you need to get out.
If you can't find it in you to do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Your daughters are learning that this is how their lives will be. Your sons are learning to treat women with disrespect and disdain.
PLEASE call your local police department, social service network or hospital and ask for the battered women's line. There are shelters, plans, counseling and services available.
Your depression will lift, and you will stand strong and whole. Please, please get out now. For you and for your kids. The town doesn't matter, dear. You do.
2007-07-31 08:19:10 · answer #8 · answered by nicolemcg 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweet Pea the hubbie is having some problems. We are going to call it what it is, he is possessive. I think you two can work this out with some counseling to see why he does this to you. He says's he loves you which is great but he needs to show you what he says and not what he FEELS. It seems he is abusive and it can get even worse if you don't talk to him about counseling now. It's never OK for anyone to hit you, never stay because of pity stay because you know he can be helped. Please find a spiritual counselor and get this thing figured out now!. I pray you will make the right decisions, and God bless you!
2007-07-31 08:15:45 · answer #9 · answered by b n real 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sweet heart, I know it's hard but you need to leave this man.
At least document what he is doing. Call the police. Go to the doctor and show them the results of his beating on you.
You should not be ashamed! You didn't do anything. He is the one who should be ashamed of treating you this way. He calms you by calling you wonderful and beautiful, then starts hitting on you?
My aunt was abused for 50 plus year! He broke her arm. blinded her in one eye... yet she called him a saint!
Don't deceive yourself and the world. Show everyone know what he is doing.
2007-07-31 08:18:34 · answer #10 · answered by ♥♥The Queen Has Spoken♥♥ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋