I found a response to a personal add, he put his age and he needs "serviced", workdays work best. first he said a computer virus made that email, then he said he thought i was cheating so he was looking for ads that i possibly wrote! he must think i am really dumb! i have caught him with naked pics of himself on his computer, he said it was a joke for me! lol okay, he must think i am dumb and denies anything that would hurt me. i cannot trust him anymore, i am torn because we have a one year old son. any advice? also, i am a very beautiful woman who does everything for him, and we seemed happy together. this is a total shock to me.....
2007-07-31 07:33:33 · 29 answers · asked by Britney O 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him he needs to come clean with you, and you need to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, put him out. If he's cheating on you with people on line, there's no telling what diseases he could be bringing home.
2007-07-31 07:40:40 · answer #1 · answered by Ya Ya 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
"also, i am a very beautiful woman who does everything for him, and we seemed happy together. this is a total shock to me....."
So you are a beautiful woman..... Have you REALLY been doing everything for him?
The obvious answer is: no. Otherwise he would not feel the need to look outside your marriage to get "serviced" durring his workdays.
Yes - some men just need the variety and would cheat on a porn star. However, most men will not go lookinf unless they are lacking for something at home.
You can leave him, and I think you'd be justified in doing so. However, do you want to get to the bottom of WHY he feels the need to look elsewhere? If not for this relationship (which might be over), then for future relationships so that the past does not repeat itself.
When was the last time you and your husband talked honestly about each others sexual and emotional needs in your relationship? Not in awhile (if ever) I'm guessing.
You can be beautiful, keep a great house, make him dinner every night, and take care of the kid, but if he feels emotionally and intimately abandoned, then he'll cheat. Women cheat for the same reasons. That's why a man can provide for his family, they have a good house, he's great with the kids, he's relatively good looking, and come home early from work one day and find his wife in bed with another man - it happens.
The root cause is emotional and physical abandonment PRIOR to the infidelity.
So - you have a choice to make.
1) Leave him, get a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners.....
2) Confront this issue as a couple. If he hasn't "acted" on his impulse to cheat - maybe its beacuse he has been wieghing the consequences of his actions. Maybe he doesn't want to cheat, but feels its his only recourse to not being "loved" at home.
Choice number one is quite frankly the easy one. If he is not willing to talk with you, go to counselling, and work on this issue, then he has already made this choice for the two of you.
Choice number two is a much more difficult road, yet might lead to a better understanding of him and yourself. You might be able to work through issues that you both have in your relationship and come through it as a stronger couple. Only the two of you can answer that.
If you do get divorced, I would suggest some counselling for yourself so that you don't fall into the same senerio with your future relationships.
It takes two to make a realtionship work, and it takes two to break it apart, even if only one of the two is the one taking the outwardly destructive actions (cheating, leaving, lying, becoming complancent, becoming distant and disconnecting, etc...).
2007-07-31 07:54:27 · answer #2 · answered by aa889d 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Your husband has some very severe issues .........this is about him not you. I can only imagine the impact discovering all this had on you. I don't believe he was playing a joke on you! You caught him and he knows it and is trying to play it down. If you want to save your marriage you need to take him into marriage counseling. He has alot of explaining to do about what his intent was headed for and he cannot hand you anymore lies. Whatever he was doing has to stop and no more internet for him. When you think you know someone and never expect something like this it can totally blow your mind. It makes you wonder if you even know anybody at all ....let alone what it does to the trust and belief that you have for someone! He has a real problem here and for you it isn't funny .......you just don't behave like that and put nude pictures of yourself online for the whole world to see. Best wishes and take care.
2007-07-31 08:42:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No one can tell you whether or not you should get a divorce, that has to be your call. With that said, I'll give you some things to think about. It does sound as if he is lying. I would lay it on the line for him. Tell him you're not stupid, your tired of being lied to and that a marriage can't be based on lies. Tell him you are considering a divorce and want to know what his input is. See what he has to say. Keep in mind when speaking with him just be honest and to the point (no over dramatizing or accusatory type voice), calm and factual. See what his reaction is. If he still tries to deny and can't be honest, then you have some serious thinking to do. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
2007-07-31 07:46:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest first of all relax a little because dealing with this will be better if your not so upset. You need to talk with him about seeing a marriage therapist. Unless he actually cheated which means he actually had sex with another woman then divorce should not be your only option and should not be considered at all at this point. If you love him then fight to get to the bottom of this in therapy and fix the problems to get your marriage back to where you thought you were at. You might also want some therapy just for yourself to help you deal with learning how to trust him again.
2007-07-31 07:40:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He obviously underestimates your intelligence and is not showing any form of remorse of any type. He is not owning up to what he has been doing and to how his behaviour is causing problems in the marriage. This leads me to believe he does not plan to change and work on this issue with you. In other words, he sees it easier to lie about it than to own up to it. Men that do this and react insensitive to how hurtful this can be to a woman usually hold a personal disrespect for women and view them only as sex objects. I do not blame you for not being able to trust him and so you should not be forced to do so. If he is not willing to validate your feelings on this then I would say you have two choices to make. You either stay and take it or leave. Trust me, it does not appear he is gonna change this behaviour and he intended to look and go through with his sexual requests. I am so sorry you are going through this.
2007-07-31 07:47:49 · answer #6 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave his a.s.s. You already know what's going on, you already know he is trying to play you for a fool and he still keeps on playin games. Why stay with him? He's not going to change, if anything things will get worse. If you stay with him you will be just as stupid as he is because of the fact that you know what's going on and your not doing anything about it. Let him have his fun. Once you leave he is going to realize what he has lost and he will probably run back crying to you, begging for you to come back. Now just sit and think for a moment.............. how funny that is going to be? How will it feel to have him at your feet begging you like a dog that he is? I don't know about you but that would feel pretty good to me. It would feel even better to look him in the eye and say NO, you hurt me, our marriage is gone and i NEVER want you back. Just to see his face and reaction would be priceless because he chose to think with his d*ck instead of his head and for that he lost the one person who truely loved him and that right there has to hurt more than anything....
I know from personal experience that your husband is playing game. Why? Because i did the same thing to one of my ex's who beat me. I was sort of seeing this guy that i worked with. I would write letters to him and accidently leave them at home on the table when i went to work and my ex would see. He would ask me about it and i would come up with something like " I wanted to see how jealous you would get" or " I just wrote it to see what you would say" then i would say " Do you think if i really were writing another man i would leave it on the table like a dumb a.s.s?" So i know how it is to play games. Granted i'm alot older and more mature now:)
You do not deserve this crap he is throwing at you, he married you to be with only you, he took vows and he should have kept true to them, that is not your fault. He is cheating, he is lying, you do not trust him..what is left of your marriage? Absolutely nothing!
Pack your sh*t or his, if your keeping the place then i suggest you pack his sh*t and put it outside and change the locks, better yet throw his sh*t all over the front lawn and change the locks so he can't get in and tell him you will see him in court:)
Like you said you are a beautiful woman..so whats the problem? There are more fish in the sea girl don't settle with this loser who keeps hurting you because you will regret it. You don't want your son growing up thinking that lying and cheating is ok, you don't want your son growing up in an unhappy family either. It's better to get out while he is still young. Make a life for yourself and your son, find someone who will treat you with the world and live a happy life. Don't choose the sad unhappy life......
good luck!
2007-07-31 08:24:40 · answer #7 · answered by Kasja 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I bet he doesn't think your stupid rather he's hoping that you keep your blinders on ...and choose to believe his line of crap. Get rid of the loser, nobody puts naked pics of themselves on a comp, without intention. Married people do not run ads in the personals without the intent to pursue. I bet if you think back to when you first met this creep, during your courting conversation he admitted to having affairs on an EX . Once a cheater always a cheater.
2007-07-31 07:51:07 · answer #8 · answered by ladonn2005 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, he does think you're dumb. Men often will make their wives the blame for their actions.
Tell him there is no need for deceit, and that you understand. Imagine yourself saying all the things he wants to hear. When he's convinced, tell him that you want a new playmate. This might shake him up..
2007-07-31 08:03:02 · answer #9 · answered by Equinoxical ™ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok i would say get some help with a professional so you both can get to the bottom of the real problem and his motives. If after you seek help things don't get better its best you each go your seperate ways, but you both remain in your childs life.
2007-07-31 07:45:00 · answer #10 · answered by steff 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be more willing to work with him to get help and give him a second chance, if he would tell the truth. But he is insulting your intelligence by telling you bogus stories. I would give him a final ultimatum. It's one thing to do something wrong, confess and try to change the problem. But he's trying to play head games with you buy lying. That would BURN me up!
2007-07-31 07:48:46 · answer #11 · answered by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋