How do i get my husband to consider us to be one?

Question

Currently we have seperate checking accounts. I seems like everything is either his or mine. We bought my parents house and have been living there for 5 years, he considers it mine not his. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or do you think there is another issue that cause him to think this way.

I have to add that we were dating for 6 year and had two kids before we got married.

Answer 1

It just takes time. My husband and I have been married for three months now and we are still not as intergrated as I'd like. We still have separate accounts, we live in the house he owned prior to our marriage and he still pays "his" bills and I pay the rent. It's weird. We decided to start marriage counseling (since we didn't go to pre-maritial counseling) and one of the things the therapist said is that Trust is a big concern to all people. The fact of "can I trust this person with my feelings, heart, money, etc". I mean we easily give up our bodies to each other, but when it comes to money....well people are just funny about money. I think for my husband, it's a matter of giving up "control". He already feels he has to "answer" to me to a point. Meaning he now has to consider me before making decisions on the fly - which he's accustomed to doing. So it's just a learning curve. I stopped asking my husband to open a joint account. I figured I'll pick my battles. As long as the bills are getting paid and he feels like he's "the man of the house" I'm fine with it. If I see money is an issue going down the line, then I'll say something again. The last time I mentioned it to him (the joint account) he told me he wants to do it but we just "haven't found the time". So, whenever he's ready we'll join the accounts. I say if all other things are considered equal then don't push your husband. You two should find a house that is both of YOURs or you should ask him to make changes to the house so it feels like new, something that will make it feel like his house too. My husband told me to do that, so I did! It feels like home now. So unless the account really bothers you, let it for now or just talk about it with him again. But do try to make the house feel more like his as it sounds like that's the problem - he feels like he's "living" with you and men's egos can't really take that. Good luck.

Answer 2

He's afraid to combine everything in case you split up later, and/or he wants to have some control over some of his money.
It's not that uncommon. But the truth is that the house is half his by law, and if you split and he wants half the equity, he gets it. Don't forget that.
Why don't you get a third bank account that the two of you use? He may become more comfortable sharing a part of his money with you.
This could also be a trust issue if he is more frugal than you are.
If the current situation isn't causing problems, just ease into a third bank account, there's no reason to fix the situation if it isn't broken.

Answer 3

Some married couples just feel comfortable with separate checking accounts, but I can understand your concerns of the underlying reasons he does this. I would say you married a man who considers money and assets more important than the "togetherness" you want to have with him. I assume you both talked about all of these matters before getting married? If not then this is the very reason why you should have. All you can do is talk to him, which I feel you already have and he is not agreeing. I wonder if you were to be the one to make more money than he does if he would still feel the same. He could be a little stingy.

Answer 4

Sounds like he's a pretty selfish person. Talk to him about it, tell him how this makes you feel.

I also suggest a marriage counselor. Many people think love will solve all problems but if that were the case, divorce wouldn't be the majority now-a-days. People need to check their egos at the door when it comes to a successful marriage.

I also suggest reading Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It really opened our eyes when my wife and I read it. We read a chapter a night ( a whole 20 minutes out of your day) until it was done. Great book.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

Having "his and hers" issues within a marriage can be caused by a couple of things. The obvious one is a trust and "will this marriage last forever" issue and I think most people go through a certain amount of these feelings early in their marriage. Failure to communicate these feelings out of the marriage partnership can cause a whole host of problems none of which are good for the relationship. The second cause for "his and hers" issues is insecurity. He may have even grown up with his own parents having "his and hers" issues and may see this as the norm for marriage. This means that, perhaps unknowingly, he has inherited his parents insecurities about marriage by default and is continuing the behavior. If he has had a previous marriage that "failed" he may be unable to get past the need to protect himself from losing everything again. You need to be aware of the different genetic "wiring" in place here between the genders. Males tend to see physical property, money, house, car etc as entirely separate from the marriage itself; while females tend to see them as just part of the whole, included with emotional attachments, family and personal commitment. These are generalizations of course.
The best I could suggest, without knowing more detail, would be to sit down and explain to him how keeping "his and hers" makes you feel. Explain that your view is that you should be a team and everything belongs to the both of you. Sort of a "you and me against the world babe" stand. Then be prepared to listen to his viewpoint and make a real attempt to empathize with his feelings. Once you have discussed the issue then make a date on the calendar for 6 months to a year later to re-visit the issue and talk again. If you constantly "harrass" him about this issue it will only confirm to him his need to "protect himself". The flip side of this is that if you wish to be "as one" financially, then you MUST be prepared to be "as one" to your children, extended family, neighbours and the world at large. ie. If he says "no" to the kids then you must back him up even if you disagree with him; you can discuss it later in private and state your case. If you have ever sat at the kitchen table with your sister, (mother, brother, friend )and "dissed" him while he was there ( or found out about later ) you may have sown your own seeds of discontent.
Having said all this, I think it is good for married people to have some of their "own" things. HIS boat and trailer. HER fancy red sports car. Perhaps even their own checking account to save money to eventually buy the boat or the car. The trick is that this is done with the full knowledge and consent of the other partner.
A difficult issue with no easy answer. Hope I helped a little bit.
Dave.

Answer 6

communication. I've been married, very happily for 24 years. The number one reason our marriage is so good, is communication. The first few years of marriage, my wife, for some reason, always went with my ideas or suggestions. It caused some rough spots in the marriage. We set down one day, and just talked about everything, she voiced her reason for not putting forth her ideas or needs, I put forth my reasons for needing her input and ideas. She has come up with some fantastic ideas thruogh the years that really helped our situations. Since that time, we communicate. We don't lecture or yell, we just talk. Sometimes over a glass of port, or Brandy, sometimes just while sitting down for lunch or dinner, sometimes just cuddled up on the bed or couch. But we talk. If something is bothering one of us, we talk to the other one about it. We work things out together.
It sounds like you two need to work on your communication skill with each other. Is he aware that you have a problem with things as they stand? Do you have a good solution to the problem? what is his feelings on the matter? Maybe he is trying to help you feel independent. Who knows. Only he can answer that. Maybe you should have a "main" checking account for the family, and each have a savings account and agree to put X amount of money into it each month, and have it as a "my play money" kind of thing. That way you don't worry about shorting the main account, but still both have a little needed free money to splurge with once in a while. But talk to him about it.
Good luck

Answer 7

I see nothing wrong with having seperate accounts. I've been married for 19 yrs and have always had my own accounts, credit cards, medical accounts etc. If anything ever happened in my marriage I woundn't have to establish myself. Many women don't establish thier own credit and when something happens to the spouse they find that they can't even buy a car or rent a decent place. I am woman hear me roar.

Answer 8

It sounds like he is scared that something could change in your relationship and wants to keep things seperat. Or maybe he thinks you might like it better this way. You will have to talk to him about it and let him know it is causing you anxiety. My husband had some problems with us putting things together because of a bad relationship he had before me. He thought I would be the same way. But after he realized that I am not her things have gotten better.

Answer 9

My husband and I have separate bank accounts. He basically pays all the bills and I buy all the stuff for the house. Even though he pays for the house, it's still our house. Everything we have is ours! We don't have to specify what is his and mine because it's all ours. I would suggest talking to your husband about this. Tell him how it makes you feel. But know that you don't have to have joint checking accounts to be one~

Answer 10

Your the reason he thinks this way. Maybe knowingly or Un-knowingly, you made him have to feel guarded. Who's idea was it to buy your parents home...get my drift. Sell the house and find something together. Don't be so worried about being together on checks, make him feel like your together on everything...if you don't, then you will need seperate checks anyway :)