wHAT SHOULD I DO?

Question

I have asked a question before and now i need some more advice. My fiancee and I have been engaged for 3 wks and I do have two wonderful kids by a previous marriage. I see my kids on a regular basis and I do extra things for them because they are my kids and my responsibility. I believe that this makes me a better person for the things I do for my kids. She gets a little jealous when it comes to them because she doesn't have kids and seems not to understand. I have explained several times that she is not competing for attention and that I love her with all my heart but there are sometimes that my kids do come first and that she shouldn't feel jealous. Should I talk to her again about this or is this going to be and all the time thing and maybe i should break the engagement off now, so that it doesn't hurt and be more painful for everyone later.

Answer 1

You really need to sit her down and talk to her again.(although I am sure you have ) If she is mature enough to be getting married then she should understand that you have a commitment to your children and this is a package deal. She is going to be their stepmom. She should be happy that you are the kind of man that you are - being such a big part of your children's lives. Most men look to get away with the extra things and it does make you a better person. Doesn't she understand that you will be the same kind of a father to any children that you have together???? You are also smart to have your eyes open and to take care of it now because later I am sure there will be a lot of sulking on her part. She should be excited to be taking on the role of stepmom and if not - I would seriously reconsider marriage. They say that a lot of second marriages fail because of the children and I saw this for myself. My second husband was the same way with my children and I loved my kids and no one was going to make them feel uncomfortable in their own home, if you know what I mean. Good luck - I hope it works out for you - but TALK and make her understand!!!

Answer 2

It's just immaturity your dealing with and it comes with all ages no matter what disposition. You could be with any women out there and this can happen (of course some people are worse than others) You got Ms. worse -that's all. Now your answer is you should... just talk to her about it. Be direct, too! Marrying this women can effect your entire future and your children (more importantly). You need to make sure this issue is not going to be a ongoing problem- and mean period.......... If she acts like it is then I wouldn't marry her. My most honest advice is this (as much as I hate to admit)- If she has been upset with children since day 1 it will only get worse after you marry. Whatever happens at the beginning will not get better after all the new wears off. It always gets worse. Find someone that's what you want from the start or you will "pay" the price. Older and know.

Answer 3

Your children from your previous marriage are a very important part of your life. When your fiance is marrying you she should know that she is also marrying your children. There is no need for her to be jealous and there is no need for you to feel guilty for wanting to be the father that you are to your children. Wish there more fathers like you in this world. Talk to her again. If she can't seem to understand or refuses to understand that your children are EXTREMELY important to you....then perhaps you should call the engagement off. If she can't accept the way things are between you and your children now...she never will. Best of luck!

Answer 4

Wow, I think your fiancee doesn't know she is on to a good thing with you!.. she should see that you are taking full responsibility for your kids and are active in their lives, and that would be a good sign to most women, who would think that you are a great person and a great dad, and not like a lot of dads disappearing completely from their kids lives. In other words you would make a great dad for her and your future kids.

It would appear she is insecure and maybe slightly jealous of them but, if you have explained that to her have you thought of trying to involve her when they are with you? If she is not interested in them then maybe you should do as you suggest and break up with her, you kids will always come first, which is a normal thing for a parent to think and feel.

Good luck

Answer 5

I think this could potentially turn into a major issue in your marriage. Her jealousy stems from her insecurity, not your children! The relationship that you have with your kids should be your #1 priority - always! She should NEVER doubt your love for her because of them! In fact, she should love and respect you even more because of your desire to be a good dad.

It makes it more difficult because she doesn't have children. It is hard for her relate to the bond that you have with your kids. In my opinion, you should never have to justify that to her though!

Break it off?? I don't know what to tell you. If you don't work through this before you marry her though, there are bound to be issues later down the line. Once she becomes your wife, she may feel like you should sacrifce some of the time you spend with your kids? You know that you aren't willing to budge when it comes to them, so that needs to be made clear to her. She may decide she doesn't want to get married!

Good luck!

Answer 6

Of all things she should be so happy to have someone who is responsible and caring. As a single mom about to get married I have always put my children first and now my fiance puts my daughter first also. You may not be looking for a mom for children but she should understand that with you comes the responsibility of a family and that she should not look at it as a competition with the children but an expansion on what she is getting. I think you need to talk to her and let her know what you are feeling and your concerns are before you all go any further.

Answer 7

Ok coming from a very jealous and posessive person myself, I had told myself i never wanted to be with a man who had already had kids because if they have kids,that means his ex is their mother and he would have to still keep in touch with her,and this I knew would drive me up the wall with jealousy! It wouldn't have mattered that the relationship was long over or that she was already in another relationship.Maybe it's not so much the kids but the amount of communication you have with their mother (ie when you pick them up from mom's or when mom drops them off,are you spending time with them at mom's house in mom's company too? It's great for the kids to still have you two get along well but when you are with someone else there should be a set boundary,(ie.no hanging out with mom except for the exceptions like your kids birthday parties)Another thing do you not include her on these events with your kids?Cause you should always now since you two are already engaged.My husband has a large family and he was like the head of the household so they constantly ask him to go over and do odd jobs or favors,at first I was mad jealous and annoyed but guess what? I got over it,there is hope for your fiance.

Answer 8

The love and respect of your kids or the woman you love? Yes, you need to deal with this for the relationship goes any further. You need to delve into the reason of why she is jealous of them, make her give you an explanation of why she feels threatened by kids, your kids. Make her see that they are not just your biological kids but soon to be her step children. She needs to realize that you all are a package deal. You are not taking away from her but you are adding to the relationship. She needs to spend as much time with them as possible to get to know them. She will never be their mother, but it is possible for her to have a special place in their hearts and them in hers. I applaud you for putting your kids first, a lot of men would simply ignore it when the red signs come up but you are handling them one by one. I hope things work out for the best and your fiancee comes to an understanding.

Answer 9

If she doesn't get that your children are more important she never will, until she has children. And even then some people never get that. I guess I can see where it would be a tough decision, I myself would never get into a relationship unless the person shares the same conviction for the care and responsibility for children. I'm open and honest and will let them know up front. My child is my world, no one, I mean no one is more important than my child. And the first time they seem jealous of my child, GONE!
But that is just me, I don't have enough time in my life for added drama.

Answer 10

Take it from me, as a child in this situation. My father has recently gotten engaged to a woman he has been dating since I was 15 (I'm 26 now). When I was younger and still living with him, she used to get so upset when he would want to spend time with my younger brother and I. She actually told him that it was innapropriate for a father to tell his teenaged kids that he loved them. She even told him that it was unnatural for a father to want to spend so much time with his kids, and that was a mother's job. (Our mom lived close, but we didn't see her often at that point.)

Slowly her influence took over. Now, I know it's my dad's fault for allowing her to change his life so much. He's a grown man and should have grown a backbone a long time ago. But he didn't and now I rarely see him. He's only seen my son (13 mos old) a handful of times. However, he calls me all the time and we text all day long. I always know when she's in the room because when we get off the phone, he doesn't say I Love You...he does when he's not with her. I have a lot of issues now because of the way I was just tossed aside. I still hate her, I really do, but I've gotten to the point where my father doesn't affect my life, good or bad, and that's sad. My poor husband has to deal with me now!!

You need to nip this in the bud. If she isn't going to accept your kids as a HUGE part of your life (as they should be), your kids will know it. Imagine how her being in your life will affect them. Always feeling unwanted or unwelcome in your home, never feeling like a real part of your life.

I'm not saying break up with her, but you need to seriously talk to her and if she doesn't understand, it may be time to move on. Good Luck.