What do you think of this poem?

Question

What do you think of this poem? Is there anything I should add or change?

Obscure darkness bleeds
Exposing the decaying souls of past misconceptions
Forever trapped in a tepid pool of their own sin
Spilt blood renders salvation
Never strangling the purpose
So they may gain false immortality
A progidal sacrifice
Now they will sleep for eternity
Damned to their aphotic abyss
Forced to collect the misdeeds of others

Answer 1

i dont get it....not my style

Answer 2

Taken individually, your metaphors might work, but as a collection, it's missing a connection. I might buy into the first two lines, but you're pushing it with line three...then line four goes in a different direction, lost in the woods in line five, wandering in line six...and what is a "prodigal sacrifice"? A sacrifice that comes back? I suspect this is a unintentional malapropism. And when you say that the souls will sleep for eternity, damned to their aphotic abyss, forced to collect the misdeeds of others...well...how did you get there? Lots of dots but no lines to connect them.

You have good images, but they seem borrowed from other concepts or just put together because they sounded cool. That's not a bad thing, but it was poorly done this time. However, your command of the language is pretty good...try some editing to clear and focus your thoughts.

keep writing