My husband just told me he wants to just be friends....?

Question

I am completely lost - tonight my husband told me over the phone that he would just like to be friends and not in a relationship anymore - he wants to live at our house and have me still work in our business but other than that lead seperate lives and just remain friends - I on the other hand feel crushed and very alone.

Im completely lost as nobody in my family is divorced or even seperated I dont know how I should be feeling right now - I dont know but I suspect he might be seeing someone else or wants to see someone else - in the last 2 weeks he has become very distant and barely even talks to me.

We have been together for 10 years and married for 7 years.

We have a 4 year old daughter I dont know how to tell her whats going on especially when I dont know myself and have never seen this situation in my family before.

Is it fair that he tells me he wants to be friends but still live and work with me?

Can anyone give me advice as to what to do? What steps should I take?

We have been to 1 counselling session - unfortunately my husband took the counsellors words - twisted them and turned them against me and he now refuses to go back.

Answer 1

He is being completely unrealistic. He wants the best of both worlds and it doesn't usually happen that way. It does sound like he is seeing someone. If I was in your shoes, I would tell him he can't have it all. It's not fair to you or your daughter. If he wants to be with this other woman, then he needs to leave and be with her. He can't pretend everything is OK at home while he has her on the side. I would make him make a choice. Either he recommits to the marriage (if you want that) or he gets out and you divorce. Then get an attorney to help sort out the business and property issues that will come up. I think he's afraid of losing his business, but he wants out of the marriage, so he's hoping you will agree to his ridiculous proposal. As hard as it is, I wouldn't tell your daughter anything just yet, until you know for sure what is going on. She will sense you are upset, but I see no good in telling her until you can both sit down with her to answer her questions.

Answer 2

If he just wants to be friends, I don't think the two of you should still be working together. Plus, when you're married you don't really use words like that. "I just want to be friends" is more for couples who were just dating.

Marriage counseling would be a good idea. But, if he doesn't go for it, you should get seperate living accomodations.

My parents got divorced when I was a little over 2 years old, and to be honest, I'm glad they did. My dad just recently got remarried to a wonderful woman, and I grew up fell in love with the man of my dreams and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. It won't hurt your daughter for the two of you to be divorced. And, it's definetly not something to be ashamed of. Too many women now, stay in relationships where the love is just....well, dead....where their partner just isn't interested anymore. I'm not saying that divorce is always the right thing to do, but in certain circumstances it is.

Try and work on the relationship, and if it's not working you should take the next step. If it goes to the next step, and you get divorced...just sit down with your daughter (preferrable the two of you) and tell her that her mom and dad love her more than anything in the world, and always will. And tell her that you and daddy will still care about each other, but can no longer live together. It's good that she's this young because it might be easier to explain it now, then if she were a little older. Too many "experts" say that children often blame themselves for their parents divorce. I never did, and I know a lot of other people who never did.

Answer 3

Whatever his reasons may be, he has told you that he wants to be friends. That is not something that you can change. I don't even think a counselor can change his mind. I am sorry that this is happening to you and I know how you must be feeling. I would feel lost too because you want answers and chances are he won't give you any. I would not stay in the house with him and I would not work at the same business. It seems like he wants all the benefits of having you around, he wants to keep everything in tact, but he wants to see other people. He obviously hasn't taken your feelings into consideration. After being together for 10 years, he should know that you are not going to be happy about his decision.

Answer 4

this is not a good situation at all! First, you need to find the root of his problem. Why has he been acting this way lately? Is he stress from work? Possibly cheating? Have the two of you been arguing, or having money problems? If you can figure out what is wrong, you can seek help and work on fixing the problems.

If it is just that you two are unhappy and don't love each other anymore, then counseling probably won't help. But it isn't fair to you that he expects you to stay in his house and work for him-that sounds like he just wants you around out of convience. And while you need to be kind to each other for your daughter's benefit, no woman in her right mind would be "friends" with an ex husband. Friends don't treat friends bad and break their hearts!

I hope that you can work things out, and I am sorry that he is putting you through this much pain. But, if in the end he refuses to work things out, leave and make a good life for you and your daughter

Answer 5

I think my first impression of his request is that yes, he has met someone else and wants to pursue seeing them (especially with his distant attitude and lack of communication). Maybe he feels that if he stays in the house on this 'friendly' basis, then if it doesn't work out, he hasn't lost you or his home. He can always make things better later if he needs to. However, I would suspect that if it does work out for him, at some point, he will just leave altogether. It seems to me that he is trying to make things smooth and sweet so he can cheat, come and go as he wants without you having a right to ask what he is up to. After all, if there was any other reason to want this friendship/marriage, why wouldn't he give you those reasons? If he loved you but there were problems, why wouldn't he try to work those out? It seems like he is being very selfish and wanting to work things out 'HIS' way to a win-win situation for HIM. Frankly, if he isn't interested in this marriage (for whatever reasons), and wants his freedom, then he should not have the benefit of having his home, you, and everything else, it definitely is NOT FAIR to you. I'd offer him a separation and then he needs to get his stuff and get out until he decides whether he wants to be married to you, or go for good.

Answer 6

I can't give you much advice, but I can tell you quite a bit about your husband.

Cowardace. By talking to you over the phone, instead of in person he's avoiding personal conflict. He's in control of the situation because if it ever gets too bad, he can just hang up. Men are visually oriented. This way he doesn't have to see your pain.

Avoidance. He wants to avoid the consequences of his actions; particularly guilt. If he lets you keep the home, the business and the "family", he doesn't have to feel guilty about abandoning you. Since no rational woman would stay under these circumstances, he assumes you will eventually leave. Since you're the one choosing to leave, it's now "your" fault. He drives you to a decision, then blames you for the consequences. If you do stay, he gets everything he wants from you, but isn't required to return anything more than he wants to give. Either way, emotionally or physically, he wins.

Selfishness. His actions are utterly selfish. Even in offering you the opportunity to stay, to be "friends", etc. he's not offering this to benefit you. He's offering this to benefit himself... He doesn't have to feel bad about his choices. The fact that it devestates you; well, he can avoid seeing that, can't he?

Rationalization. No matter what he tells you, he sees this as all your fault. You're the one who wasn't sufficient to meet his needs. You're the one who failed him. It's not that he's failing you. And, out of the goodness of his heart, he's offering to still provide you all that he can, in spite of your failings. He avoids the feeling of guilt as much as he can, by either avoiding seeing the consequences, or blaming another. You're the most convenient target.

A man this weak would not risk losing what he has unless he had a backup. That means there's someone already in the wings he thinks he can run to for support. So, whether he's already been sexually unfaithful or not, he's fairly certain he could be the moment he's free to (without feeling too guilty). Psychologically, it's improbable his affair has been consumated. He'd rather wait until he doesn't have to feel so bad about it. However, if he's weak enough, he'd want to be sure of the sexual conquest first, just to be certain he had a place to go.
Whether it's "happened" yet or not, you can be very confident that it will, whatever choice you make from this point on; including reconciliation.

Insite is easy. Advise is hard. This man is willing to trade your self-esteem for his. He's willing to make his choices and let you suffer their consequences. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I'd do.

I'd say "Fine. Sounds good to me." Then I'd put on my sexiest outfit (if a guy can HAVE a sexy outfit), leave them alone to watch the kids and go out. I'd watch a movie, cry in my beer, whatever... I wouldn't come home till the next morning, even if I had to spend the night alone in a hotel. When they asked were I was or who I was with, I'd say that there are some things I don't share with just friends, and what I did last night, and what I intend to do many nights in the future, is one of those things.
In terms of self esteem, feelings of loss, etc. I'd have just completely turned the tables. Suddenly "I" am the one getting everything I want from them. I am the one who is seeking all the rest from another. I am the one who doesn't need or want that from them.
All the consequences are now his. This is what he said he wanted. This is the choice he made. The fact that he didn't expect your success is not your problem.

Your marriage is over. Time for you to make the best of the rest of your life.

Answer 7

Alcohol lowers inhibitions that are those thingys that shop us from asserting or doing those issues that 'regularly' all of us be attentive to greater suited approximately. a grin might properly be flirting if the attention is needed. on an identical time as we like stable acquaintances the closeness mixed with flirting upload alcohol and right here you're... i'm surprised at his overtly acknowledging the communique. Which tells me he wasn't 'blacking out' AND which you 2 could have an extremely solid relationship. men have differing sexual drives and it extremely is been argued that the prefer to 'unfold' their seed is 'equipped-in' and is barely curtailed with the aid of religion or societal mores. looks such as you have an exceptionally stable chum around the corner as properly. So if the will for different companions isn't there whilst ALL are sober... could advise which you all have had a actual advance journey. could extremely advise mostest that interior the destiny around the corner affairs be constrained to his no longer ingesting!!! The 'seven' 365 days itch became into named that for a reason... that's a time whilst men ask your self no be counted if something new or different will ever come(oh the pun) their way returned. comparable activity, comparable relationship, comparable activities... whilst scratched interior the greater serious way we've broken marriages... because it feels like the preliminary stages you have selections... preserving the chum of two decades and the better half six(married 2)... i'm thinking except you're searching for for way out... Then I even have an uncomplicated answer. grow to be the 'different' lady. Dye your hair? gown up? flow your kin to a 'new' spot'. no longer in basic terms with you be scratching him yet you're able to finally end up feeling scratched! wish this facilitates... enable me be attentive to I do care(no no longer that way!)

Answer 8

I am going through the same problem..I have 2 awsome daughters and don't know whether to leave my wife or work it out. If you want to chat my email is weyco373@yahoo
Just to get a perspective of a guy going through the same thing. I would love some advise from a woman on what to do.. hope we can help each other. I know the alone feeling all to well

Answer 9

First of all, you don;t tell a 4 yr old about the situation. Especially since you don't know what going on.

Your husband is a bit late on the let's be friends decision, since you're already married. This situation is up to you. are you willing to accept his terms? Do you think they are fair to you?

Personally, I don't think it's fair. I think he's being very selfish. You should should counter this offer with what you want. I would take the business from him and let him go on his merry way!

Answer 10

I hope you said "well it's a bit late for that, isn't it?" At least he is approaching it the right way though, except the not talking thing, suggest getting help and stuff. There's nothing to be ashamed about by getting divorced. I know everyone says it's better for the child if you stay together, but i'm a lot happier now that my parents are divorced. good luck.