Help this step mommy!!?

Question

My husband and I have been together for a two years and have been married for a year and a half with a brand new baby boy. My husband had a little girl with another women. She is now 5 1/2 and her mother tells her mean things to say to me.. ( my mom doesn't want to be fat like you *I JUST had our son*) and she acts like a 15 year old but then can't count to 7. I have been able to grin and bare it this long and my husband and I have talks together but things don't seem to help. She still has accidents.. not at night but during the day.. just standing there and then Bam she peed her self... and then laughs about it. It is hard to have a grin on my face when she says "I want my mommy to live with my daddy" and then shoots me this look like "whatcha ya gonna do?" I guess my question is Help me, How do I keep up with the smiles? Please lift my spirts. Oh on a side note.. we are VERY fair in the sence of the baby and she LOVES him so much. Thanks

Answer 1

I am in a very similar situation, only I am not married to my man. We have been together for 5 years, and he has a 15 year old, and a 7 year old. His daughter (the 7 yr. old), is always telling me what her mother says/thinks of me (Nasty, and horrible things to be saying in front of her 7 yr. old) , and in the beginning it used to really hurt my feelings bringing me to tears at times.

While the past 5 years haven't been easy, I love his kids as if they were my own, and I know the feeling is mutual. They are great kids, and it's not their fault that their mother is dragging them into her personal insecurities, and revenge game.

Here are some suggestions.....

-His 5 yr. old is probably still having a tough time dealing with
the divorce of her parents., and i'm sure that mom using her
as a pawn to deliver nastiness doesn't help either, since
kids will most likely do or listen to what their parent says. I
wouldn't put it past the mom to have deliberately made stuff
up in hopes of turning the kid against you. WHATEVER U
DO---NEVER say anything about the mother to/in front of the
kids, as they may go back to moms house, and be grilled for
info, in which the kids spill the beans, etc. Whatever the case, no matter how bad it hurts, ALWAYS BE THE BETTER PERSON!!! When/if you come in contact with the mom, I like to remember the phrase, "Kill 'em with kindness". She will not be happy if she see's that her game isn't working
and that she cant bully you, etc. Make sure you have support from your husband, as he MUST back you up and stand with you as a unified front that will not put up with her crap.

His 5 year old obviously needs attention, and obviously isnt getting any at her moms. She is peeing herself, and sassing you to get a reaction. She is testing her limits, and testing you and your husband, and if one of you doesn't get her under control, the problem will only become worse. Your husband needs to have a talk with his ex, and put an end to all of this nonsense!

In the mean time, get to know your step daughter. Myself, and my SD love to have our special "girls day's". She always has something to look forward to and we have a blast! You sound like a good mother, and you obviously care a lot about your family to have written in here for help.

If you would like to talk more about the subject, or just need a friend, I'm here. Just DON'T give up! Things will all work out in the long run! :)

I am SO SORRY for the ridiculously long response--hope it helps!!

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Welcome to the wonderful world of being a stepmom. I could tell you stories. If you would like to email or instant message me I can also give you some resources that might help. It is very common for kids to say that they want their Mommy and Daddy to live together. My husband's ex has been with 4 different men since her and my husband separated over 6 years ago but I my step kids still wish that mommy and daddy could still be together. As far as the accidents--I think that I would make her clean herself up and then put her in time out and continue to let her know that it is unacceptable. She is doing it to see what kind of reaction that she can get out of you or for the attention. As far as keeping the smiles just think about how much time it is til she goes back home to her mother--that should keep you smiling.

Answer 3

You should not be placed in this position. Daddy needs to step to the plate with a few little learning lessons. You know the first thing that came to mind when I read about "mommy doesn't want to get fat like you" was a response like "I just had a very cute little baby and my fat will go away, but your mommy's monkey face will be there for ever!" Now Please don't ever use this to the child. It's just something that I was thinking. However, as for the 5 year old peeing her britches, it's time for corrective measures and I would unload them onto the father as for the step parent to do them would cause a riff to be sure. The entire issue here rests entirely with the daddy.

Answer 4

You did not mention if you are the cause of the little girls mother and her boyfriend (your husband) brake up.If you are then i understand why the mother hates you and that's why your husband isn't doing more about this situation. You need to remember you are the grown up here and put that little brat in her place.I'm not talking about spanking the little girl just things like putting a chair in the corner and making her sit in it without looking away. If it were me i wouldn't allow the girl over because your young son will pick up dirty little habits from her like smacking you or biting you. She sounds like the bad seed and if you seen the movie you get her out of your house asap. I know she isn't the blame for her actions but it's to late to do anything about it because her mother has already brain washed her. This little girl is at the age where to much damage has been done the seed has been planted.

Answer 5

Firstly, I'm really sorry you're going through all this. You are the victim of a bio-mom who's using the child as a weapon and a father who has not reacted sufficiently to this. You have been doing the absolute right thing by being the adult and not stooping to bio-mom's level. (I'm calling her bio-mom 'cause a real mom would NOT play with a kid's psych that way!)

Two things; Firstly, the man in the picture has got to get in the picture. Secondly, you need to start building a friendship with the child. I'll expand.

Your husband has got to sit old wifey down and tell her to quit the crap. Yes, he'll need to do it a few times and the first time, let him do it without you around, but after that let him have the balls to face her with you (silent and demure) in the room. He has to be the MAN and I'm sure he will. She can have it one of a few ways - either he talks to her alone, he talks to her with you, or you call (in HIS name of course) a family pow-wow and he must discuss "how we talk about each other" in a group setting. This is his child and if he wants you to be a good step mom (and you are, by the way) he has to come to the party.

Second - you need to start saying; "I'm sorry, but that is NOT a nice thing to say/do." If it means you give her a time out - so be it. If mom's not teaching her plain old manners, you deal with it as a manners thing. Not harshly, but you cannot let her get away with treating you any way HER mom wants to or you'll be letting HER mom rule your house. "In this house, we love each other and we do not talk to each other that way/do that/ etc. or these are the consequences." Again, dad has to come to the party and do the disciplining himself. It sounds like the child is being blamed for mom's talk but it isn't.. the child is being a pawn, and doesn't know better. If you do not teach her how to be a real person and treat people with respect, she'll think she can grow up to do anything she likes and let me tell you when she IS 15, there will be NO way you can leverage that respect.

So you and dad got to stand together. Love her enough to correct her, and if she pees herself on purpose - allow her to stay wet and uncomfortable for a while - in her bedroom or out in the sunshine. She'll soon realise its no fun.

Don't fall into the trap of treating the child like you would the adult. At the same time, the comments "i want mommy to live with daddy" is normal.. maybe respond by saying something like "but I thought you loved your new baby brother.. and where he goes, I go." type of thing.. she may be small, but she'll get the message, and you'll be encouraging her to LOVE, not hate. Good luck

Answer 6

As the Step mom, all you should ever be is a friend that they will eventually know they can depend on. Daddy needs to pull his head out and deal with his daughter. HE needs to be the one to correct her when she says the hateful things, as well as when she pees herself.
He should also be talking with the child's Mom about her attitude towards you, and getting Mom's help. If Mom refuses, maybe court mediation is needed to enforce that to make your lives easier.
Bottom line is that during these early years when the children are too little to understand what is going on, Daddy needs to be the Enforcer that comes down HARD and SWIFT so that the child knows that behavior is NOT acceptable.
This will take lots of time... years perhaps but you will get there. Good luck.

Answer 7

If the child lives with you, talk with your husband and let him know that the next time she does something like this you are going to tear up her behind! Then the next time she does it, turn her over your knee, wet pants and all, and wear her out! She is 5 and this is your house. I don't care if you are the step mother but you agreed to be the(step)mother when you married him. If "Mommy" has a problem with it, too bad. It is your house. You will have to make her learn and understand that you are Daddies' new wife and she will respect you and your house as such. Now on the other side, why hasn't your husband tore her behind up already? If he will not or won't deal with his 5 year old, maybe you need to take the baby boy and run before he sides with his daughter over this instead of you. I understands kids need to be first BUT these actions would not be tolerated my me in the first place. He needs to step up and be a DAD!!!

Answer 8

Jeez, just wait. Things can get worse and last for a long time. My son and his wife is going through this same thing with his daughter, who is 9 yrs old. There is over 9 years of history to this story so I won't try to get into the details. Suffice it to say that my son tried to do all the right things and she kept finding reasons to say no about everything. He finally moved on and its like this nut job has declared war on my son and his family. And don't look to the law to get any help. First they are rigged towards the mother, then you wait and wait for each step in the system to look at each charge she thinks of to bring up. You want help, start praying the ex has a car accident or something because you'll get help just as fast that way as going through the legal system.

Answer 9

What does your husband have to say about all of this? Why is he allowing this to happen? Wow that's a hard one. I definitely would not be keeping up with the smiles. This little girls' mother has some serious issues!! Maybe you can try to talk to the mother and your husband at the same time. Good luck.

Answer 10

shes a child, and no matter what look you have on your face, she can read you like a book! she probably does lots of negative stuff for attention, and she will always want her daddy to live with her mommy, but in time, she will see that it will never happen. in the meantime, you just have to be patient, and hopefully, your husband can help out in the tough situations. i too have 3 step daughters that hate my guts, because their daddy doesnt live with mommy anymore. these girls are 13, 17, 20. and it has been a very rough road with them. however, i will not let them get the best of me...even if means INSANITY and sometimes, it does. best of luck to you