so what is a mom to do when her 19 year old daughter is dating a loser? he does not work, is on probation?

Question

I pay for her gas, she picks him up, she drives him around, he does not contribute to the relationship. My daughter and I argue everyday, because I don't want her catering to him. I want her to go to school get a job, spend time with her girlfriends. He is causing problems in my daughters and I relationship.

Answer 1

honestly...you can't do anything about his behavior.
You can't do anything about her behavior.
After all, you aren't going to physically force either of them to do something that they don't want to do.
so...the only person's behavior that you can control is your own.
you feel like he is causing problems between you and your daughter, but that isn't exactly the truth...HE can't cause anything...either, your daughter is ALLOWING his influence to affect your relationship, or your daughter is ALLOWING your attitude to affect your relationship...
again, you can not control him, but you can control yourself.
so...if your daughter is upset with your attitude in the situation then you have two choices...either, care about how YOU are upsetting her and give in...or, don't care about whether she is upset. either way YOU need to deal with the consequences of the actions you take...
clearly, you feel like the choices your daughter is making are unduly influenced by this boy. But, it is important to remember that it is HER that is making these choices...What she is deciding is that HE is more important than YOU, and this is what upsets you...she is USING you for money, and lodging, all the while HE is probably banging the crap out of her when you aren't around...maybe even in that car that you gas up FOR HER.
if you don't want to contribute to something that you are not happy about then don't...why would you?
Actually, at 19, you should probably ask her to move out on her own...(not as a threat, like when you say, "He goes, or you move out", but instead, just tell her that it is time that she moves out regardless of whether she continues to see him or not) by making her move out on her own, she will need to find full time work, which will take more time away from him and in addition, if he is the slacker that you claim he is, then she will get tired of paying for his *** real quick. She cant cater to him if she needs to pay her own bills and work full-time, just to get by...
and this still should happen, even if she is attending school. she needs to learn that she cant walk all over you.
she needs to learn that you will not be forced to participate in something that you don't like.
she needs to learn that you will not support her financially anymore.
she needs to learn that by working herself and seeing the value of a dollar, that he is actually a loser for sponging off of her
she needs to learn that she deserves better than a money-grubbing louse...

you really have no other effective choice...
of course, i can tell from how you worded the question that you won't actually follow my suggestion, because you are too soft.
instead you will be suckered into her placations and continue to finance their sweaty liasons in the back seat of the car.
you won't realize that i was right for a few years, by which time it will be too late...she will own you...
good luck.

Answer 2

Take her across the railroad tracks and show her around a little. Ask her if this is the life she wants.....Stop giving her gas money!
Make SURE she is on some sort of birth control. Make it something visible like a patch. I have a friend that just went through this with a daughter, she now has a granddaughter. He's a total loser and the entire ordeal has been a big giant nightmare. I know it's nearly impossible to control a 19 year old but if she's under your roof you really need to fight this hard.

Answer 3

Why keep paying for her gas if she's just going to waste it on a "loser"? Even though she IS an adult, you don't have to enable her. Telling her how to run her life is not going to help the situation and will only make her want to rebel against you more. Instead, try to figure out what she likes about him. Just because he is on probation doesn't necessarily mean he's a loser. I think you should approach her in a non-confrontational way. Tell her that you think her standards should be raised, etc.

Answer 4

My daughter was the same age as yours when she met (what we thought was a good guy at first)her boyfriend. She has now been with him for about 4 years. At first he seemed to be a good guy. But as time has gone by, I have found out that he is nothing like what I thought he was. She now knows this as well. I helped her out with gas money and what have you. She got her a job and later moved out. Now after being with him for 4 years and on his 4th job (the jobs last long enough to get a pay check and will quit for dumb reasons) she is now tired of him and is ready to kick him to the curb.

Guess what I am really trying to tell you here is....stop giving her money for gas to haul him around for one thing. At 19 she is old enough to get a job her self some where. AND more than likely SHE will get tired of him as time goes by and will kick him to the curb. It sounds like he is really just using her right now. Just because he has been in jail/prison does not make him a loser...but not working and letting her "support" him does make him a loser. Back off from her and let her find out for her self what kind of person he is. But be supportive to her at the same time. And hope like heck that she does not get pregnant by him before she can learn to see threw him.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, the more you push for them to break up, the harder your daughter will fight to stay with him.

Stop giving her gas money. If she wants to drive him around, then she needs to get a job to put gas in her car. If she needs help picking up applications and going to job interviews, then either offer the solutions of walking, riding a bus, or giving her rides.
She wants to act like a big girl, so let her. If she's living with you, consider asking her to chip in for expenses, etc.

All you can do is wait for the fall because she won't listen to you right now... especially at that age. Be there for her when she and her wonderful boyfriend have a falling out... and they will... because she already knows your feelings on him. You don't need to repeatedly remind her that you don't approve, and every time you do, it'll just make her want to "fix" him to make prove you wrong.

Ugh, I don't envy you at all. I know how I was at 19... I was the same way. I was gonna show everyone that I could turn my jerk of a (then) boyfriend into a prince charming! Heh... dumb, dumb, dumb me.
Be supportive of her, and let her know that you'll always love her, you're just worried for her well-being and leave it at that for a time.
Gee, wouldn't it be so much easier if she was underage and he was over 18?

Answer 6

The only thing you can do is say, "On this date, I want you to have a job. Even if you don't, I am not paying for your gas anymore."

You can't do much about the boyfriend. She is 19 and can legally make her own decisions. And, if he is that big of a loser (and it sounds like he is), she will probably realize it on her own and leave him. She is at the right age to be trying to test YOUR limits (I should know, I'm only 21), so you are really just egging her on.

The gas thing is because a) she should be buying her own gas unless she is in school so much that she can't work and b) if she can't drive, she can't drive HIM, can she? Hehe, sneaky sneaky.

Answer 7

Stop arguing with her & stop putting gas in her tank. Unless you need her to do something for YOU, then only give her enough to get her where she needs to be and back. Sit her down and express your concerns. Tell her that she deserves someone better, someone who can bring something to the table. Also, tell her her that she is an adult and she needs to think of her future b/c mommy won't be around always and you'd like to know that if something happens to you, she can take care of herself and right now she is not proving herself.

Tell her you are fussing with her not b/c you are against him ((she'll think differently)) but because she deserves the best & at this time her boyfriend is not the best but using her. Your daughter doesn't see it but if you stop giving her gas money to fill up the tank or just stop period, she'll start to see what this guy is about & when it's coming out of her pocket, she'll know how it feels. Your daughter is for a rude awakening & if she keeps picking guys like this, she'll end up in a cycle.

Answer 8

Instead of paying for gas and what ever else, simply explain to your daughter that at 19 years old, she is old enough to gain employment and pay for her own gas. Sometimes our children need the experience to guide them. My son told me not so long ago this sentence and I will never forget it. "Dad, the older I get, the smarter you were." Sometimes older peoples experience is not enough for a child to benefit from. Personal experience is the far better teacher. Let her find the truth on her own. I know that it's something that will be hard for you, yet a step that should be taken.

Answer 9

i feel that the more you oppose to it,the longer it will take until you hear of an end. stop paying for her gas.let her find another way (like a job) to fuel her car to drive him around .i think that by paying for her gas,you are adding fuel to the flame.have you sat down with her and discussed how you feel about her being involved with this guy? i can almost imagine youve done so and hasnt worked. in the end,if you approve of thier relationship or not,she will continue to date him . you cant change that,but you can change what you provide for her and see if you get anyl uck that way.do advise her to use protection if she is sexually active with him.you dont want her to end up pregnant with a losers kid.you wont have to worry about the fuel youre paying for,but diapers,formula and everything else that a baby needs.i wish you lots of luck on trying to change her mind about him .

Answer 10

I had the same problem with my cousin. She was the exact age and was dating a guy that was 38. He didn't have a job, had been to prison for a very long time, had another female pregnant, and sniffed cocaine. And that was when she met him. I told my cousins to leave her alone that she would eventually get the hint. Needless to say they didn't. She's even gone to the point of trying to hit one of her sisters with her car because she was telling the truth about the loser she was with. Right now she is still with that jerk, had a miscarriage by him, stayed with him while he got another girl pregnant with twins, and sniffs cocaine with him.

In summation you can only leave them to what they will do. All you can do is still love her and make her support her driving habits herself. Gas is expensive these days. Eventually she will get tired of him and drop him. However, if you continue to tell her negative things about him it will only drive her closer to him. Believe me she tells him everything you say and he in turn tells her everything she wants to hear. Honestly he is fulfilling her emotions in a way that you can't and she likes the way he makes her feel. In short there is nothing you can do but love her.