Poem #1 comments are welcomed (obviously)?

Question

Lulliby of ignorance

A feather dipped in the blood of a rat.
Drifting ignorantly, floating in the wind
landing on a mound of rotten fat.
Embers of life slowly burn away at calloused skin.
The sigh of a dove through signing, signing her lonley lulliby
Good night, good night.
Where do angels go when they cry?
Silent bliss
The doves lulliby.
Useless tools of a needless life.
Happiness follows an empty tomb
Kindness follows those who wait in spite of heartless bones.
to where we dig ourselves a path into mothers womb.
Faceless is the feather to which the truth is shown.
Faithless is the earthen tomb.

Answer 1

are you OK? that was scary! and i didn't like it at all!!!

Answer 2

I'm attempting to decipher your poem here. :)

The first part: the rotten fat is a dead person?
Or a dying person? Hence, the "slowly burn away part"- not already extinguished?
Is the dove symbolizing peace? In other words, death brings peace. Gotcha.
The last section: Our troubles (insignificant as we are) end when we die-- though bones can no longer feel. Perhaps thats the kindness of it, for some. Or, besides that, the place after death happens: heaven. Mother's womb is the earth... and our faiths (religions) aren't apparent with no spirit left in us. The earth ends up being everyone's tomb, regardless or what was believed in life. Heh.

Is that near what you were getting at?

The part in your poem I think was out of place, was the "where do angels go when they cry?" I know your intent with that (at least I think I do), but that sentence has only one line devoted to its topic of the angels. D:

Also, if a feather was dipped in the blood of a rat... wouldn't it be too heavy to be carried by the wind? I mean, it was stuck in a pool of blood.

Also also, if the earth is "mother," what's father? I see no reason why time is considered to be male (Father Time- sound familiar?).

And... those ending words of the first and third lines... it sounds childish, to be honest. Though it makes sense. :/
Try picking some other words, though.

Happy writing. ^.^

Answer 3

I wasn't going to reply, but I noticed one comment saying that "full rhymes are impossible to pull off..." I beg to differ. In fact, almost all of the poems people remember are full rhymed poems...not just nursery rhymes. However, to each their own. Although when they asked Rudyard Kipling what he thought about free verse he said, "I'm not sure, why don't you quote me some"...I think that pretty much says it all.

To your poem: the concept of a feather dipped in the blood of a rat is okay...it got our attention...but you then said it was "floating in the wind"...is it floating in the wind or in rat's blood? Because if it's dipped in rat's blood, it's floating-in-the-wind days are over. Also, doves might "sigh", but they seldom "sign". and "wait in spite of heartless bones"...no clue there...bones are usually heartless...so what is the image you're trying to invoke?

Look, you have "some" good images, well defined and vividly expressed. This shows me you know how to do it, the rest of the unfocused shotgunned images have no coherence, so they fail to communicate, and that's the ultimate goal of any poem.

I'd suggest you whittle the poem down to the basics and concentrate on putting together your images into a sequence that takes us with you on where you want us to go. Don't try to sound profound...just show us what you see and we'll let you know if it's profound or not.

meanwhile, especially since you're pretty good at it, keep writing.

Answer 4

It was creative how you rhymed the lines or made it sound similar, very impressive. This could pass as a school material poem. This kinda of writing may get you money actually, good amounts. I noticed the shift in mood, and I loved the difference in comparison going from the blood of a rat and difting to the imagry of angels and the doves lulliby only to shift back to a frightening aptmosphere. Good job. Those who don't understand this poem, its symbolism or metaphoric, you'd need to be mature.

Answer 5

First, let me say it's brave of you to share. If you want a serious critique, then read on. If not, please ignore.

Full rhymes like 'rat' and 'fat' are extremely, if not impossible, to pull off with any level of seriousness. They are heavily associated with nursery rhymes--rules are made to be broken but, there are many, many ways of manipulating the music of language that are more subtle--explore, have fun.

vague images of angels and doves do not evoke intense sensory experiences in your readers--you have to make them specific--Useless tools of a needless life does not reach, but specific tools in a specific moment with a well placed adjective or metaphor--there's your zing. read about the objective correlative.

social constructs or concepts, like 'happiness' and 'kindness' are very broad and mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Push yourself to define THIS happiness, kindness, faithlessness, etc with specific similes, metaphors, adjectives, etc.

Periods at the end of a line are called 'end-stopped' and add emphasis but slllllllooooooooowwwwww down the poem. Try enjambment--looks like this (first two lines are enjambed, last is end-stopped, and sorry it's corny, on the fly):

Your face
is bent over the page of her back
tracing my name.

Hope this helps, when in doubt read a lot of poets--try Josh Bell "No Planets Strike", another poet's book--"Father of Noise", forget the name.

Keep writing and good luck!!

Answer 6

I don't really understand if you trying to rymhe all the time or just when you can. Because you do have some lower case because you can't I've tried but to be able to post a full line or what you would think is a full line. Other then that it's not that bad but not good either. But not that bad that's the main point.

Answer 7

Love It!!!