An Overbearing Mother and Stressful Wedding Planning?

Question

Basically,
Mom's overbearing
Unless I let her have total control over every aspect of the wedding, she claims I'm keeping her out
She's turned her side of the family against me, I'm constantly getting rude emails about how I'm not being a loving daughter

My wedding isn't at all like I wanted it to be because other people have planned it...Too late to change anything now and I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. So much so that now I don't think I'll even be able to enjoy the day.

Help!?!?

Too Late to Elope, the wedding is in a litle over a week.

Answer 1

All is not lost!

Almost all the people we worked with on my wedding allowed changes as long as they were requested more than 72 hours in advance. The only exception to that was the people who did the flowers, and that's because they had to have their order in a week in advance to make sure they had enough of what they needed on hand.

Sit down with your mom, your dad, your fiance, and his parents (but only if his parents are supportive). Since you don't mention dad, I don't know if he's not in the picture, or if your parents are divorced, or what the deal is. Basically, though, you want as many people on your side as you can muster for this meeting. If it means siblings, or aunts, or cousins, so be it. Tell your mom that you appreciate all the helpful things she has done, etc., etc., (this is where the art of butt kissing comes in handy--even if you are not good at it, try it out a bit), but then be very firm with her, and tell her honestly that you are not really happy with some of the plans, and that you intend to change some things. That's why you want people on your side for this discussion--they will be able to stick up for you when your mom starts feeling sorry for herself and complaining that you are an ungrateful and unloving daughter. Simply tell her that since this is your special day, and since you only plan on doing this once, you would like to have things the way YOU envision them--not the way someone else does. Be very firm, but very kind. See if there isn't some small area, like decorations, or table settings, which you can cede to her, and let her have some control over, but make it clear you will be taking over from here.

Then, after that's over with, hit the phones. Call every single service provider, and find out what changes you can make in this short period of time. As I mentioned above, the only thing we couldn't change at the last minute were the flowers, but everything else I could have changed as long as I gave 3-days notice. When you speak to the people, and find out what can and cannot be changed, please tell them that YOU are the only person authorized to make changes. Give them your cell phone number if you have one, and ask them to take secondary contact numbers off the list, so that they will only be dealing with you. If they absolutely must have a second number, give them your fiance's number. Just make sure they understand that you are running the show now. People who work in the wedding business are completely accustomed to last minute changes because of just this situation--mother or mother-in-law to be make plans, and bride has to change them at the last minute. Just stick to your guns, and try to change the things you can. When you make phone calls, start with the things which bother you the most, and call on those first--even a few big changes can mean more than a lot of small ones.

If nothing can be changed, and you are stuck with a day you are dreading, you have several options. One is to send out notices saying the wedding has been postponed. Postpone, and duke it out with your mother, and then replan things your way. Another is to get the doctor to give you a mild sedative, like Xanax, which will make you so relaxed you won't have the gumption to be stressed about it. The third is to simply split, and elope. Let your mom explain to the assembled guests why the bride and groom are nowhere to be found. Of the three, I don't really recommend either postponing or eloping, at least not after the invitations and announcements have gone out. But the Xanax, well, that's always helpful.

I must say that I am very sorry your wonderful day is being trampled by an overbearing parent. I wish I could say it doesn't happen often, but for some reason, most of my girlfriends have had parental interference to some degree, from the silly (like me, my mother-in-law hates black, and refused to buy a black dress, which is what I chose to have her and my mom wear--my colors were black and a very dark emerald green--she insisted up until two days before the wedding that she was going to wear her favorite mauve dress--thank goodness my father-in-law took things in his own hands and went to a department store and bough four black dresses in her size, and then came home and made her pick one) to the obscene (a couple who are vegetarians forced to sit through a wedding dinner with big hunks of rare roast beef on their plates because her parents were positive none of the guests would be happy with the lovely pasta primavera they had chosen--the irony being, naturally, that at least half of the people at the dinner were also vegetarians, and those of us who do eat meat like pasta primavera just fine, thanks very much!). I don't know why parents, and mothers especially, feel the need to exert so much control when a daughter gets married. I did have the mother of a friend who is a lesbian, and who won't be getting married, tell me once that one of the things mothers dream of as their daughters grow up is the glorious wedding, but that still doesn't excuse the behavior, in my book.

Just take things in hand, and change what you can in the time you have left. Be firm with your mother, but also try to be kind. And if all else fails, remember that it's one semi-miserable day (all that standing, all that posing for pictures, all that greeting people--it just adds up to an endless day that seems like it will never end), but when it's over with, it's just you and your new husband, and you're off on the start of your new life together.

Whatever happens, I do sincerely wish you the best. Try and focus on the good stuff (cake, presents, becoming a Mrs.), and try to have a good day.

Answer 2

OMG and I think my mum and FMIL can be bad! I feel so sorry for you. My SO and I have decided our mums will only have one task.The rest is ours. I can only say that this is her way of showing how much she actually does care You are probably right about the hormones but chances are she's been planning you wedding since she found out she'd had a baby girl. My mum was a little like that around 50 as well and we actually had a fall out for a few months when we did not talk. I would probably take her out for a lunch not wedding related and tell her how you feel. tell her you want to be involved but that you feel she is overbearing and thus is ruining your day. If you feel you will break down tell her in a letter Have her read it over lunch. Another option I have used with success is my grandmother (her mother) As she understood my mum as her daughter as well as being a mum. My gran passed away 2 years ago but her positive influence on the relationship I have with my mum can be felt until today.

Answer 3

CANCEL EVERYTHING!!!!!change the wedding day if you have to. give yourself enough time to replan the wedding. it's your and your fiance's day. you have to happy. you can't dread the day you get married. you should be happy and you should party like there's no tomorrow. don't worry about what your mom wants or what she says. don't care about what the other people are saying. it's not their day, it's your day. if they don't like it, then they can just deal. besides, if they were really happy for you, they'd back off, and let you plan your dream day the way you want it.

if they get mad at you for changing everything, let them know that you aren't happy with the way the wedding was. tell them that it doesn't matter if they're happy on the wedding day or if they like the wedding. stand up to them. tell them that your and your fiance's opinions are the only one that REALLY matter. and i'm sure you are a loving daughter, just because you want to be happy on your wedding day, does not make you an unloving daughter.

and if you really can't replan the wedding, and you can't stand the wedding you have planned now, ELOPE!!!! grab your future hubby and get married.

and their may be time to replan the wedding without changing the date. I am an expert on planning a wedding quickly. i helped replan my friends wedding within about 3 months. she was having the same problem as you. and she had time to change it all.

Answer 4

although it is important that your family be a part of the wedding and a little in the planning, ultimately this is supposed to be your day and not a revision of your mother's. i don't know how close you and your mom are, but it's important to muster up the cahones to talk to her about it. concede that she's done a good job thus far and use words like "helpful" and "knowledgeable" and "experienced" to describe what she's done for your day. then in your most grown-up way tell her you want to be more a part of the wedding planning. and in your nicest way, remind her that it's you and your fiance's day. also get him in on it. it's important that you include him, not in napkin colors per se but in the general picture, and tell him what you're feeling and ask for his support. after all he's gonna be your hubby and he's supposed to be there for you. all in all: stick up for yourself even when it's unpopular, it's your big day not theirs; treat your mom as an equal adult instead of a bossy mom and you'll get further; and work with your man b/c he's your lifelong business partner!

Answer 5

Call a family meeting and remind everyone that it is YOUR day. You love them all and appreciate EVERYTHING they do, but if you can't have the wedding that you want to remember for the rest of your life, the courthouse will be fine with you. That might freak em right into submission. Good luck

Answer 6

you have several choices:

1. elope - cheap and effective
2. call a halt to the wedding and re-plan it the way YOU want it
3. bring a nice big bottle of your favorite liquor to the wedding

in all 3 scenarios there runs a common theme:

to he11 with everyone else, this is your day.

Answer 7

Just think about the logic behind having a wedding: it's just an unnecessary 10,000 dollar ceremony that doesn't really mean anything since the marriage license is the real binding legal contract.

Answer 8

It 's your day, not your Mom's and if you're not happy, elope. You'll be just as married and your Mom will get over it. If she's overbearing now, I hope she won't be after you are married.

Answer 9

Explain to your mother, and don't yell, that it's your wedding, not hers, and you love her and respect her opinion but you need to go on what you want and what your husband wants. Not her.
She needs to understand that this is all you. She's not the bride. She's not getting married. It's you.

Answer 10

Elope