How can I be a better partner?

Question

My husband is awesome, he works very hard at Wells Fargo, is taking part time courses and still has the time to make me smile everyday.

Unfortunately, everything he does for us and our future does not seem to be enough to help me stop being a complete b..... to him. I try really, really hard. I have even started therapy, am taking some anti depressants, getting rid of negative friends and environments, I have even picked up new hobbies to help me release stress and keep me busy while I am looking for work.

Still, sometimes I get frustrated because he does not help me with chores unless I get mad at him or yell. He does not listen to a word I say about anything and seems to think his ideas are always best, which they usually are. I have made some pretty stupid mistakes, maybe that is why he does not listen to any of my suggestions...I dont know. I am not sure if it is me that is causing him to think so less of me. Help! I have not idea what to do anymore.

Answer 1

well I think you're on the right track w/the therapy and changing your ways after realizing you're the problem. Just support him as he does you. I mean, you said he works, goes to school and is nice to you so you owe him that back in return at least. Have the house cleaned and dinner made for him if you're home all day not working. That's the least you could do and it'd show you're appreciation for him. Why dont you take an online course and improve yourself if you dont already have your educational goals achieved. That'd be for you and he can see you're improving yourself as well.

Answer 2

Are you sure that this is not about your own self worth? It sounds like you have a negative attitude towards yourself. You brought up his ideas being better, you probably do not like having no job (and not having $$$ to contribute to the household) and this makes you feel bad. You have to do the chores and he doesn't help (you feel like a maid) and you feel like you are catering to him. But does he complain about you not having a job? Does he tell you what you do not do and complain about it?

Is there a possibility that you are competing with him? You think is ideas are better. Are you challenging yourself to see if you can get him to help? Why does he need to help? If he works all day then why? Do you have children? What keeps you from getting it done?

I am not agreeing or disagreeing, I am just trying to find out what is causing you to feel the way that you do?
I can understand that a man has trouble listening unless the woman is topless and holding a beer, but, there seems to be quite a bit of self-esteem issues in this posting and I hope that you realize you have to make him happy and he respects your ideas, or he wouldn't have married you?

P.S. The stupid mistakes you made? Who said they were stupid, you or him?

Just think it through before you offer up the idea!!

Answer 3

Greetings,

Theron Q here. This question of yours is one of the more serious ones I have seen in this Q&A forum. I would like to offer you my opinions and suggestions but I am afraid I would like a bit more info. Not having more info though, I will do the best I can but it might not be on the mark at all.

First of all, you could ask him why he does not take up with your suggestions. It won't clear up much probably, but it would at least answer that one little thing--maybe. I say "maybe" only because often the answers to such questions are not as simple as they usually get stated to be. Often such things do not boil down to just this or that. Even the person answering might not know the whole answer. But if you ask, you'll at least be a little closer to the answer.

I hope the therapy helps. Unless it involves him too, it might fall short. Not that he needs it also, just that if the reason for therapy has to do with relationship involvement, both people should participate.

I hope that you are able to determine the cause of your b--chiness. OH BY THE WAY, THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR ROLE IN THIS IN AN HONEST FASHION MAKES YOU MORE MATURE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK AT THE MOMENT. Anyway, a lot might hinge on the cause. If it is depression, sweety, you must take care of IT....as you know.

These things do not come quickly. Sometimes progress is imperceptible. Whether your husband can hang in there until you lastingly demonstrate a big character/behavior change, we do not know. It would be horrible to lose him! Still, it would be more horrible for you to give up if he doesn't stick it out. Honestly, if it does come to that, then do not blame yourself, or him!!!!!!~!!! This is serious business. I do not say this because I hope it will make you feel better, I say it because, if this does come about, you must realize that your own health is worth more than the marriage. If his tolerance runs out before your total improvement manifests, then that's just the way it is! Nobody's fault!!!

But that's grim, so enough said about it.

Chances are he in fact is getting tired of it. Are you making HIM smile every day? It might help if you went out of your way to do that, regardless of what else you also do.

I can think of only one more thing that might help, but it's a bit esoteric. You have the therapy, which might help a bit with certain things. You might also consider taking up a mind training program. Now, I know this might sound off the wall. But isn't what you really need the following: 1) better control over your thoughts, 2) your emotions, and 3) your actions, regardless of the psychological profile and treatment plan, and regardless of the medication? I mean a training program directly targeted at DRILLING you in techniques to gain willful control over your thoughts and feelings?

But, where will you find this sort of thing? Reallly I only know one place, me. I am a business consultant who specializes in exactly that sort of training, for business owners. I call it peak achievement training. It works. Other than to me, I do not know where to send you for this kind of thing. However, I am sure you can find it if you search the Internet.

I did not mean this to serve as an ad for my service; not at all. It's just that I have been where you are right now, and I know how this stuff works. So if you want to discuss it further with me, you can. Of course after a bit of preliminaries, I would arrange for you to pay something for my help; it's is my business and although I do some pro bono work I must usually charge a fee. I have set up an email address that you can reach me at if you like. This is not an email address I will ever use again (for you other readers, don't spam me because it will do you no good anyway). I am not joking, and I am not playing a game on you. You can read other Yahoo Answers of mine to learn more about me up front. I'll look for your email at my address [e-mail]. Panchadasi is NOT my real name.

But like I said at the start, I do not know whether any of this hit the mark whatsoever.

Best,
TQRP

P.S.-- I do agree with other people who answered when they have said that you point out his wonderfulness AS WELL AS his own shortcomings. The one thing I would add though is that we're not sure whether the indicated shortcomings are actual insofar as you have admitted to being on the b--chy side. Then again, we're not sure he's all that wonderful either. The thing is, if you get caugth up in wondering whether it's all you or all him, you're not improving yourself right then. And self improvement is ALWAYS worth it.

Answer 4

Well, you are in therapy, so that is a good thing. Make sure you let your therapist know all of this so he/she can help you through it.

Although it does sound like you may not be the best at zipping your lip at times when you may be better off being quiet...I have to say that "he" too has his faults....one of them being, he doesn't listen to you.

Do not assume that his ideas are any better than yours. Believe that this is an equal partnership in which you should be treated like you know what you are talking abou too. Know what I mean? I do not feel that he is respecting you in that way.

I think that you are doing most everything already to be a better partner, I just hope he is working on himself as well. You are in therapy, on meds....trying to find more positive people to be around. Give yourself a pat on the back! One thing that helped me when I was going through something similar...was to write about it. Get it all down on paper. It's amazing how much better you feel when you see it all there in front of you. Then you can figure out if what is on paper is big enough to say out loud. See if that helps. Good luck!

Answer 5

Hi Jessica T:
Your head and your heart seem to be in the right place. It sounds like you love him very much and have you sat down with him and expressed how you feel when he dismisses you when you talk to him? Men and women alike are like rubber bands we can be stretched repeatedly but there is a point were one loses elasticity. He might be shutting you out because he feels unappreciated because of the self confessed b.....ing. You in-turn are hurt because you are making all this effort to change and he might not see it or seems not to care.

1)You need to tell him how you feel and your efforts.
2)Pick your battles! Step back and reevaluate the subject and ask yourself " Is it worth it"
3) He may need to consider accompanying you to counseling to improve communication.
4) Quit beating yourself up! You seem very level headed and in the right direction. Keep up the good work!

Answer 6

Give him some Orel sex that will put a smile on his face. It's truly hard to make a man do more chores. You have to make him happy to help you and he might start off slow giving him time being happy he might start to change.And if you decide to get a job that might bring less stress towards you. And are your meds working correctly? Do you have someone to talk to . It;s good that you have changed your life style, that will be for the better. A key to a man heart is through his stomach. Fix him all his meals . If you don't know how to cook follow the directions that always helps.

Answer 7

You started with: MY HUSBAND IS AWESOME

and you Ended with : He DOES not help me, he does not listen, He thinks his ideas are best, He thinks less of me...

So believeably awesome.

Try the art of compromise/communication - Talk about your needs as well as his. Talk about ways to get things done around the house- and talk about the times he needs to relax- talk about how he treats you and makes you feel- talk about how he can make you feel better as well as how you can make him feel better~ TALK! Share your feelings, your goals, your wants and your needs and then act on the things you discussed.

Quit telling yourself he's perfect, when you point out his imperfections. Learn to live and compromise and even love each other imperfections- its what makes a marriage work!

Answer 8

Do you stay home all day without work and so on?!?!?!


IF so stop bitching at him and for pete sakes make the house shine so when he walks thro that door you 2 can spend a good time together instead of you neging at him every day! Oh' and make sure his dinner is cooked when he gets home too!

Answer 9

Read Dr. Laura's books. They will help you if you really want to change for the better. Please stop don't ask your husband to help around the house it just makes him not help if he wants to help he will. Do not nag it dose no good. It is hard to not ask for help but try it for awhile and when you do it don't be mad that you had to do it by yourself. Maybe this should have been talked about before you got married.

Answer 10

everytime u start to get mad @ him take and do something 4 him ... oh and if u want him to help with chores ... spice it up... maybe dress sexy or something skimpy... or promise him some one on one time when done with the chores,,,