Attempt at non - rhyming poem - please comment, I need serious advice!!!?

Question

Have you ever written something and then read it back to yourself - and, although you know what your talking about its like the words are all blank canvas's with no meaning? Thats what happened here, I wrote it, got it down on paper and then went to edit and hit a blank...

I have only ever written one or two non rhyming poems before, ever, I find it SO SO DIFFICULT to write when things dont flow and rhyme together smoothly.

Anyways, I am having a mental blank here, I cant for the life of me figure out how to make this poem better - the non rhyming thing has THROWN ME COMPLETELY.

Any tips? (first timer - be nice!)

Just The Dreamer

I’ll always be right here for you
Beside you, to care for you.

To love you - to hold you,
What else can I do?

But close my eyes and see your face
You can’t see you’re beautiful

When you’re burning so brightly
The light shining from you is blinding.

Just close my eyes and dream a little dream -
Dream a little dream of you

I see you, I reach for you,
I can’t quite take hold of you,

I hear you I listen to you
But I can’t quite make the words out,

I touch you, caress you
But I can’t quite feel you,

I love you, I know I do,
But I can’t quite tell you.

I wake up, you’re still beautiful,
But your not here beside me.

Where are you?
Only in my imagination can I hold you.

If you were real, you’d be an angel,
You’re too perfect to walk this earth. .

I’ll always be here for you in my dreams,
Vague but magical
And always utterly perfect.

I want to dream forever,

Hush now, please don’t wake me…

lol - I crack myself up sometimes... I dont get it and its my poem *shrugs, shakes head, giggles to self and walks out*

Why cant I comprehend how a non rhyming poem is meant to flow... is there any rules on how to make a nonrhyming poem work?

Answer 1

I think The Cat and Escape the Zombies gave you very good advice. I'll just add these comments. You're comfortable writing with rhyme and meter, and what that gives you is rhythm, structure, and a sense of cohesion to your poem. You need to establish a sense of rhythm and cohesion in free verse without using the same tools you've come to rely on. One of the main things you need to add here is imagery--that is what will lock this together. That is what will tell you what you are writing about. That doesn't mean you have to bury people in images just selectively move the reader through the poem. You're a good writer I have no doubt you can do it. I'm actually on the opposite side of the problem from you. I started writing in more traditional forms recently--and am struggling to come back to free verse because rhyme and meter are such a structural help (so, I know what you're dealing with in a way).

One other note: Seriously consider changing: "Dream a little dream of you." It really makes me think of the old song line, Dream a little dream of me, and that makes it predictable and cliche for the readers--maybe not some of your younger readers--but think about it ok.

Take care and keep writing. As you work on it this will get easier for you. Stretching yourself here will only make you a stronger poet.

Answer 2

Non rhyming poems are more prevalent than rhyming poems at this point. (Keep in mind there are lots of different kinds of rhymes, not all the most basic.) What you need to go look at is the free verse movement in poetry. Free verse is where the poet defines the rules of the form they have chosen, strict or loosely. Ultimately, strive for the poem to operate on three levels--

intellectually stimulating/unique viewpoint, clever word choice, specific images and descriptions, nothing vague or cliche (thesaurus, yo!)

musically: the way the words feel when you say them, sound to your ear, how that plays off the meaning--for a very basic example, slithering snakes sounds slippery, right? Learn about Germanic and Latinate words, their sounds and unconscious implications--for example, the diff between reading/hearing/saying '****' vs 'defecate'

emotionally: the feel, the texture, the flavor of your words and images

This is a lot, but that's why writing good poetry is hard work. Revise! Get it all out at first, put it away if you need to, but don't be afraid to edit yourself. If you're worried about 'loosing the feel' just save each version with a higher number (ex poem1, 2, 3, etc.)

When in doubt, go to the bookstore and read read read what poets are writing now! Find out who you like (learn by imitating) and what you don't (and avoid it).

If you don't like the idea of imitating, ask yourself,. would you try to write a symphony the first day you played piano, or would you try to learn the skillz??

On that note:

dream (too vague), beautiful (how is this person uniquely beautiful to the speaker in the poem?), light shining brightly, blinding (cliche, strive for more unique image)

Hope this helps, not hurts, and best of luck!!!!

Answer 3

I cant think of any strict "rules" for the non-rhyning poem, but i know some rules of thumb that keep my poems flowing. First, try to think of the ideas in your poem in terms of an image or several images that you can describe with adjectives. Example: the longing in your poem is an important idea... so maybe you want to represent this longing with an image of a solitary yellow flower growing amongst grey rocks, or a small house quavering in the shadow of looming hi-rise bldgs, or a friendless child at school who wants to go home to escape the cold bleak playground. These images are lonely and longing, and they convey the FEELING you want without saying it outright what you're talking about. This is called metaphor!

Also learn to use in-line alliteration. That is when words in the same line have the same first letter sound or have similar sounds throughout. Example: "Engender the tethered feather/ in style en route en masse..."
These two lines have alliteration and similar sounds throughout, but they do not exactly rhyme.

Maybe think about expanding your vocabulary, or refer to historical or literary events which you have read in the past.

Whatever you do, keep writing... you have a poet's heart, i think!!

Paz y amor <3 <3 !!

Answer 4

I can't help much with this poem... but lets see... the repeated 'you' should be removed from some places and use a bit of rhyming too in the ending or middle. Al though your poem has a beautiful background you just have to use the right words. But don't get discouraged, it still is a fantastic poem! visit www.writing.com

Answer 5

Lol I guess you're sorta in luck... I've been writing since grade 5 and I'd much rather correct poems and better them than actually write =P.

I’ll always be right here for you
Beside you, to care for you. (It'd be better to add another action after beside you, such as "here with you" just add something to make it longer)

since your first 2 line stated, you following stanza died or killed the first lines, cause you ended up question, What else can I do? instead maybe make it To love you- to hold you, I'm willing to do.

So the first lines become:
I'll always be right here for you
Beside you, here with you, to care for you.

To love you - to hold you,
I'm willing to do.

And that is all I can do without killing your poems meaning, if you need help you can contact me on aim maybe? flipscar11890, or email me, i'm always happy to help. Sorry if my advise were offensive, cause I'd find it offensive to have my work changed or criticized =/.

Answer 6

There is nothing wrong. I don't have the mental capacity to write but I can relate to longing for love and having them there if only in your dreams. Keep doing your thing. How old are you you can fine tune your gift by taking a writing/poetry class okay. Keep the poetry coming.
All Alone

Answer 7

I like the poem,
but it could use a little work.

If you can see my e-mail address,
e-mail me.

Put: help with poem JUST THE DREAMER.
Then I'll know it's from you.

I just read what the person above me wrote,
and I don't agree with alot of it.

The writing of poetry comes from the
person writing it.

You don't want to write poems like other
people's writings, because then it isn't yours.

Writing poetry is not like writing a book,
or short story.

If you READ, READ, READ what other
people write, and write like them
how can you have a clear thought in your
mind, that you know is yours?
You can't.
You have to be YOU, and write what YOU
feel, changes can be made after wards.

Be You.

I hope you can see my e-mail address
and write me.

Answer 8

I'm sure my senior prom tux would not fit today. Only in the past couple of years has this come to pass. It is good to be alive and healthy. I can identify though. Very nicely done in my opinion.

Answer 9

the poem is fine. I'd merge four lines together rather than having two lined verses.

You should try to experiment with the synthax structure.
Eg. Instead of 'I love you'. you could use 'love you I do'...

Your poem is quite nice just don't be afraid to take risks!

Answer 10

I close my eyes,I see your face,I'm dreaming of your warm embrace...... I see you,and I reach for you, I can't seem to hold on to you......I can't touch you,I can't quite feel you........... I wake up, and wonder, where are you?.......In my dreams,I can hold you, your an angel,I must have told you.......In my dreams,I'm always here for you.... I want to dream with you forever.....