So my boyfriend is spiraling down into the disease of alcoholism at a deathly speed. I don't know what to do. He picks these really petty things to fight about, and it's just extremely irritating, saddening, and maddening. I don't know what to do. It's starting to affect our relationship.
My bf's mom says that I need to go to al-anon because I'm a "co". She went while her husband was alive and says that they saved her marriage.
Has anyone else gone to these when you have an alcoholic spouse/significant other?
(please don't tell me that I need to leave him--that's not what this is about)
2007-07-30 15:58:51 · 8 answers · asked by Froggy 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I really am specific that this isn't about "leaving" him. The question is about al-anon more than anything.
2007-07-30 16:05:50 · update #1
Have you thought much about the causes for him using?
There is usually a tendency due to parental abuse, but also there is usually another reason for the need. It often has to do with a failure to cope with certain things in life. Could be self-medicating long past traumas... At any rate you should search for the cause of his usage. Carefully. Like a private detective.
Maybe you can find ways to address the causes without him knowing that he is being "treated" and see signs of improvement.
It does tend to be habitual, to drink, but when the cause for it fades, the desire to drink will also fade.
Sorry I do not have experience with AL- Anon.
I would imagine the group would help you to cope with him, and give you support and knowledge to better understand and deal with "the disease"
2007-07-31 12:32:21 · answer #1 · answered by Jeff B 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if you don't wanna leave him then it would probably be wise to go to Al-anon meetings, but for what? When he isn't fixing HIS problem???? Or you can just cope with it and watch him spiral down further and futher. You're boyfriend is a big boy and he obviously knows right from wrong. If it's not clear that he's choosing alcohol over you then nobody can help either of you. You sound pretty intelligent and I'm sure you know the solution to this problem, so what ever route you choose is entirely up to you. If you find yourself miserable, I think you know who's to blame. We can't change people. We can only change ourselves. Also keep in mind *Unhappiness doesn't come at us, but comes from us.
Good luck to you.
2007-07-30 23:08:22 · answer #2 · answered by glittereyedg 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am an alcoholic in recovery and all i can say that is until he is willing to want the help there isn't anything you can do for him. Al Anon is a wonderful recovery group for those that are in relationships or are friends with etc someone that is an alcoholic. Maybe that is where you will find support for yourself. but go with an open mind and open heart and don't be closed minded about some of the suggestions and other peoples stories you hear.
2007-07-30 23:10:02 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes...YOU should go to Al-Anon. Don't worry about him, it's going to be all about YOU! I've been in Al-Anon for nearly 2 years, and wish now that I knew of them before my life shattered. Thank your bf's mom for such wise advise! I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help!
This program is for YOU, and only YOU.
"If we supply the willingness-God supplies the power" The Al-Anon Family Group Pixie48
2007-07-30 23:13:34 · answer #4 · answered by Pixie48 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well it better be what its about because its going to get ugly from here. You need to take her advice(and mine) and go to Alanon. You are going to have to have the tools to deal with his drinking. You will need the support when he loses job after job, when he attacks you and the kids you will have, when he breaks up the house, when he spends every last dime on booze and you lose that house to forclosure. You will need to know how to know the signs of a failed liver and what its like to live with someone who is killing themselves. You will need to have support to deal with your feelings of despair and failure because you can't fix him. You will need to know how to deal with his family, his friends(the drunk ones, the sober ones won't have anything to do with him), and his employers(there will be many). You will need to work two jobs to pay the bills and have health insurance to cover his medical bills when his health goes and his legal bills when he starts racking up the DWI's. You will need it to pay for the cases of keenex that you will use waiting for him to come home and praying to God that he only kills himself and not some innocent. They might have some tips on how to hire a lawyer, how to get money for bail(has to be cash and the exact amount), and how to be a prisoners wife if he does wind up in jail for drinking and driving, or maybe that bar fight that goes wrong.
I could go on, I had 30years of it. And ironically, he didn't get sober until I did finally boot his behind out of the family house, which was in forclosure. Yeah, he's sober 3 years now, has the job of his dreams and living on the beach in Florida. I've worked 16hr days for the last 3 years to pay his bills, save my house, see our daughters through their last years of college and their first years of grad school. I did it even after having a stroke from the stress.
Do yourself a favor, since leaving him is not what its about. Go to alanon. Maybe they can draw you a picture.
2007-07-30 23:13:11 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why on earth would you be going to AL-ANON and he is not going to AA?? You can not "make him better" if he is not going to put in any effort his darn self!! That is like hanging curtains in a burning house. So don't leave if you don't wanna but, nothing is going to change...
2007-07-30 23:06:06 · answer #6 · answered by Cutie_Pie 3 · 1⤊ 3⤋
It's ultimatum time. It's also time for you and some of his relatives to have a heart to heart with him.
2007-07-30 23:09:00 · answer #7 · answered by Iron What? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if it is just a boy friend leave now.
2007-07-30 23:04:10 · answer #8 · answered by s f 2 · 3⤊ 3⤋