Cyber Sex, IM's, Adult Friend Finder, Swinger Sites...Is it really cheating or am I insecure & crazy?

Question

For the last 8 yrs my husband has been involved with one or more of these areas. I've made it very clear how I feel. I think it's cheating, he calls it "entertainment".

To me: watching porn, roll playing & acting out fantasies is entertainment.

Five years ago we entered the swinging lifestyle for about a year. It started out fun & ended in disaster. He became emotionally involved with someone. I was crushed. Their emotional tie just about killed me. We met them five years ago and their relationship ended last month. As far is he says, they weren't physically involved outside of our two trists.

Today he left his email open and yes, I found several different hook-up sites. I read emails. I feel deceived. He says he's a freak and that it's just entertainment. I say he's cheating. He hides it, he sneaks and he lies about it. If it's not cheating, then why lie?

Is it worth ending a marriage, 4 kids later? Can we find common ground? If it had ever stopped I may have trusted him.

Answer 1

I believe that starting the swinging lifestyle was the first mistake. He got used to it and to him at that time it wasn't cheating. Now hes being told it is. those kind of lifestyles never work becasue someone is going to starting having feelings at some point for somebody. Then the pain begins becasue you feel betrayed. Cheating comes in many forms. I met my girlfriend over 3 years ago. We started having problems and I went online and found another woman to talk to. I learned the hard way that cheating isn't just physical sex as most of us men associate it to be. Its anything that involves another woman that you can't tell yours about. To a woman, an emotional affair is worse than a sexual one, my now ex-girlfriend told me this. Chat rooms, myspace and other online forums all make it to easy to do things we shouldn't do. Carrie, I hope you and your husband can work this out for yourselves, each other and your kids. Good luck.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Carrie J. I heard recently that there are only the three A's that should even be considered when discussing ending a relationship. They are Abuse, Addiction and Adultery. If you feel that your man is cheating then I would suggest that you have the right to end your marriage. But if you agree with him going on these sites then it is your choice; however, it doesn't sound like you and he are on the same page any longer regarding a swinger lifestyle. Viewing porn and having Cyber Sex or IM's are a lot different. Viewing pics that are posted is pretty normal but for a married man to have Cyber Sex or IM females for his sexual gratification sounds like cheating to this old fool. Best of luck.

Answer 4

I would feel it was cheating. Just the fact that it really bothers you so much should be enough reason for him to stop. If there is any way that you can communicate without getting angry or accusing him of cheating, let him know that when he does things behind your back it hurts your feelings and makes you feel left out of parts of his life...this e-mail writing and hook up sites are how the ending of your marriage will begin. I would say having let a swinging lifestyle be okay with you in the past, most likely gave him the green light to feel just fine in contacting other women whenever he feels like it. Realize why the swinging lifestyle was wrong. He became attracted to someone else. You were crushed. You made a mistake, and you both need to be aware of it and understand why it was a mistake. Counseling is always good for anyone that is hurting or confused. If you can get your husband to agree to it, I would advise the two of you to go. Please save your marriage and make it better, everyone gets divorced, but the ones that take marriage seriously and still value the committment they've made and celebrate their 50 anniversary, those are the couples that make marriage mean something!

Answer 5

You've made it clear that this surpasses the comfort level in the relationship, so in my opinion, yes it's cheating. It sounds like you and I have similar ideas on this--I could give a hoot if my boyfriend watches a little porn every now and then, but if he brought a real communications into it, I'd be devastated.

I'd try to convince him to seek counseling together. If he won't, go alone. You shouldn't have to find common ground when it comes to what is and isn't acceptable to you. Unfortunately, that may result in the end of the marriage, but if he's not willing to give that part up, is that really a marriage you want to be in? From what you've written, it doesn't sound that way.

Answer 6

Well since you went into the swinging lifetsyle together, I can't really say that he would be cheating. Although, in my eyes anything having to do with any other women sexually is. But, you can't really jusge him because you did in fact decide to be swingers for sometime...

Hopefully you can find some common ground on this one...tricky though

Answer 7

First of all, I am terribly sorry about this.

Second, you say you have made it clear how you feel. Are you sure he knows how much it hurts you?

Go the extra mile to really express to him the devistation this has brought upon you before bringing up devorce. Also, find out what he is finding so exciting about all of this and see if you can't bring that excitement in yourself and tear him away from the computer.

That is the best I have right now... the four kids is what makes your marriage the most important. How is his behavior affecting them? We know it has affected you badly but has it damaged them in any way. If it has, it is definately important that you bring this out and if after that.. he refuses... maybe divorce is the only other option. Unless, you have the time and money to go to marriage counsling. I do not know how that works out because I have never gone through marriage counsiling but, it might help.

Answer 8

cyber sex, im's, and adult friend finder is cheating. make him notice of that, and tell him that he wouldnt want u doing the same thing to him without getting mad. ( cuz first he ll say i wouldnt mind and all these excuses =P )

and watching porn is entertainment, and its not really cheating bcuz sometimes a guy needs pleasure from himself rather than his partner, as u would too. next time he watches tell him playfully to let u join and u guys can enjoy that together.

tell him that the others is bugging u though and that you are having doubts about being with him and getting married with him and having children.
also tell him that the others need to be stopped and porn ull let him. he should agree

Answer 9

Swinging? Well you kind of set yourself up for failure.

He's a cheater but he found out a way to disguise it with your consent. After you got tired he couldn't just cut it off.

Only you can make a decison on your marriage at this point. Good Luck.

Answer 10

That is cheating. If he's been emotionally involved with this person for that long and sees nothing wrong with it, then there is nothing keeping him from doing it again. If things don't change it might be ALOT healthier for your children if this ended.