Living with an inconsiderate slob?

Question

I have been married for a year and we are expecting a baby early next year. My husband is loving and supportive, but completely lazy when he comes home. He leaves his pants and socks all over the floor. Smokes in the house although Im pregnant and leaves the butts in glass of water all around the house. He leaves coke cans everywhere, never picking them up, Leaves the glasses on the night stand completely covering it. Never picks up after the dogs unless I yell. We have argued about this more than 5 times. Ive tried buttering him up, begging, yelling, not cleaning up after him. Everything. To me its a slap in my face to make such a big mess. I think its more than fair for me to do the laundry and dishes. But I think he should put his clothes in a laundry basket and the dishes in the sink. His behavior has made me feel unappreciated and Im at my wits end. Please dont talk about divorce because that doesn't help me at all. Thanks

He does clean up after himself maybe once a month but usually only if I get mad. He is loving but very lazy. Everything he does wrong is a result of his laziness. He says he was really clean when he lived on his own, and he was clean for about 4 months when we lived together. But slowly got worse. Ive tried the not cleaning up after him idea, and the threating, and asking about counseling. I dont believe in divorce and it would be stupid to divorce him because he is dirty. I just want him to realized that just because Im here doesn't mean Im here to clean up his messes.Ive even said I can't live with this and said maybe we should live apart. Sometimes I'll get annoyed and he finds it funny and will purposely try to aggrevate me. Its like he is a passive agressive

Answer 1

Ignore everyone who says to just stop taking care of his stuff. If he is already a slob and it doesn't bother him, not doing the laundry and cleaning will not phase him.

I have been married a little over a year and this is one of our biggest fights as well. It has gotten to the point where I have told him that either he go to marriage counseling over his habits or we get divorced...he doesn't like either option, so he cleans. That is only what works for us though...it will take a bit of work and effort on your part to inspire him. Have you tried just explaining that you feel unappreciated and disrespected when he leaves his stuff everywhere? Doesn't he have pride in his house? (I said before to my hubby that I was so proud that we had a home when we first got married and I bragged about it...but I'm embarassed to have anyone over b/c of the way it looks...that got him to understand that its disgusting!)

It has gotten to the point where we had a chore chart...down to little things like if I make dinner, he does the dishes. We have 2 bathrooms so we have a his and hers b/c I can't take sharing one with him b/c he's so gross. Every two weeks we rotate who vacuums and who dusts, etc. There are hidden treats for him when he does his chores (sex more often, a homemade cake) and although I try not to punish him for not doing them, he's realized that I become so upset and disappointed that now he tries to do them to make me happy.

It took us over a year to get to this point and it is JUST NOW starting to function...it may take awhile. I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially with a baby on the way. Good luck and stick to your guns :)

Answer 2

Try leaving his personal droppings laying around for a day or two. One night hide his wallet, car keys or another needed item under something that he has dropped. Maybe you should try placing anything that he drops on the floor in one big bag and showing it all to him at the end of the week. Explain that if the cloths don't make it to the cloths hamper, then they don't make it to the washer! Next time that he walks by the trash can you could say, " Wouldn't it have been easy to drop off some of that trash on your way past?" Honestly honey, the only reason that he continues this behavior is because that he has been placed into a comfort zone. By this, I mean that he feels comfortable that you will do it, so why should he? Good luck.

Answer 3

Give him alternatives; he puts his clothes in the hamper or they don't get washed. He picks up after himself or you put all the crap in the trunk of his car. He smokes outside or you throw away his smokes. He puts his dishes in the sink after eating or he gets the same dirty ones for his next meal. You keep ranting and raving but you never come through on the consequences his actions will have. Notwithstanding that is the way he was brought up he must understand he is no longer at home with mommy and that you refuse to be an irresponsible second mom to him. You indicated your own inability to classify him correctly by stating that he is 'supportive'. Since when is what he is doing supportive? Don't blind yourself to the spoiled brat of a husband you have and treat him like the kid he's insisting on being. Once you become an adult it is a total cop out to justify your inadequate behavior by saying that's they way you are, which is more than likely the crap he feeds you every time you confront him with his inability to grow up and become accountable for his behavior.

Answer 4

How loving and supportive can a man be who does the things you listed?? If all your pleading, requests, yelling, and arguing haven't helped at all, then things are only going to get worse as time goes on. Either accept the fact you will have to live with this slob and your baby will have a slob for a dad, or take steps to get out from under this situation ASAP - either by moving out temporarily so he has to fend for himself, or consider divorce even though you said that wasn't an option. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be on all concerned.

Answer 5

Your situation is sad. Your right, divorce is out of the question & it's a dumb reason to leave him for it too. Looks like he's got a very bad habit of being filthy & lazy to clean. Too bad his mom didn't discipline him & raise him to clean up after himself :(

If you love him enough to stay with him, then you need to put your foot down on him some more if you want to see some changes. Keep telling him & reminding him that you don't like a dirty house. While you don't expect him to clean everything, what you do expect out of him is to help out around the house, keep telling him & telling him. While you don't expect him to quit cold turkey on smoking, it would be a good idea if he smokes OUTSIDE. Hope he changes soon, a clean house is a good environment for your new baby :)

Answer 6

For me, there would be a divorce but for you try counseling. I'm not sure there is any other way to get such a selfish slob to change and actually I'm not sure counseling could do it. He really is over the top. What in the world made you marry this man? You had to know this side of him before you said yes. Most couples are partners and are supportive in all aspects of their home and married life so I wonder why you would call this man loving and supportive. He is neither. I might consider separate residences.

Answer 7

remove the dog from the house, you are going to have a baby soon and because the dog does provide bad enviorment in the house. Plus you husband will know something is up.
Than start cleaning his clothes but put it in a bag and throw it is the back of the car where he can't see. If he ask, tell him that " Oh, you spill your drink over them, it cannot be wash so i throw them away."

As for the dishes, just clean them and like the clothes, but them away. And tell him that you broke it when you were washing the dishes, if he ask how can you break so many. Tell him you are pregant and the dishes fell. Ask him, which do you (husband) prefer falling, you or the dishes?

Keep this up for a while and he will know something is up. ANd if things go bad, just tell him your pregant.

Answer 8

He's not taking you seriously and doesn't realise how much this is really affecting your marriage. You're not a slave.

Leave. Pack your bags and really make him think about the situation. Explain to him that you don't feel respected or loved and that you'll come back when he understands where you're coming from.

The leaving thing is a good shock tactic and public reaction should be in your favour.

Answer 9

He obviously doesn't have housekeeping on his priority list! Try to see what he would be willing to do. If he says nothing, you may need to talk to a marriage counselour for advice. Try to find out why he lives like this. Does he think it is beneath him? Has he always been told that it was woman's work? Is he reacting to you yelling? It could be anything. Try to understand him without accusing him or yelling at him. Let him know that you are trying to understand him, to help your relationship grow and stay healthy. I think there is more to this then just him not wanting to clean up after himself.

Answer 10

Try treating him like a roommate for awhile. Clean your mess only, leave his. Make your dinner only, not his. Do your laundry, not his... go out more often and treat yourself to movies or dinners...when he asks what's up let him know you'd love to include him on your daily life again as soon as he starts respecting the fact that you need help!