Poem: Plowshares (ruba'i. Comments welcome. Please let me know what you think)?

Question

Here's my second ruba'i. Please let me know what you think?

Plowshares

Alone below a dismal, purple sky,
Megiddo stretching far beyond the eye.
Bones: bleached inscriptions written in the dust
A monument to those who would defy.

Suddenly, stood a multitude nonplussed
The petty, the mighty, all the unjust
The insignificant next to the great,
No choice, that was past, they did what they must.

Clothing stained by the bitter blood of hate.
The books were then opened to fix their fate.
Treading the grape this fierce vintage of wine,
None to turn away, to propitiate.

The heavens folded in as by design,
Dross to burn, gold and silver to refine.
What will remain on this terrible day?
When the sun will finally cease to shine.
.

GraceHillBoy: I absolutely do take the comments in the spirit they were given. I'll look at your suggestions on revision. Much appreciated.

Gentlemen: Thank you so much for the helpful discussion. Especially on the lines that were causing me fits. Fr. Al: Your suggestion might actually clean up S2 L4 which was a trouble spot for me. I'll have to give some serious thoughts to the propitiate line. It's the exact word I want for content, but I do see what you mean Fr. Al about the beat not sure how I want to resolve that yet. ObscureB and Jeff appreciate the punctuation feedback more than you know, as well as the line comments. To everyone, I am so very thankful to have such excellent comments. It really does help improve my work, and that's the main reason I post. So, if it does or doesn't work thank you for being straight with me. It helps.

Spiffs: Thanks...I think I'm going to take Fr. Al's recommendation altering one word to keep my syllables intact (my OCD coming to the surface). New line 4 of stanza 2 will read:

Any choice now past they did what they must

I agree with you that line was a real trouble line. I have three more areas I'm working on now. Thanks for commenting it all helps the revision.

Kevin: Always appreciate you stopping by to critique. You've given me more to think about on revision. Thank you.

Answer 1

Very good! That mountain is a real equalizer isn't it? Amazing those who still want to bring it about today. There's going to be an awful lot of burning and I doubt any rapture will include those who expect it. Missiles are hard to beat into plowshares, as Dan and Phil found out. Loved your Ruba'i, keep working at them, looks like you've got the rhyme scheme to a science.

How about, "All choice now past they did what they must" for that problem line? I liked your use of propitiate, it's always the answer to some, as long as they can spill someone else's blood to their idol of war, their Molech or Dagon. In that terrible day there's no thought of conciliation or reconciliation, that's already been accomplished for those who were open to it, propitiation was made in the only way possible. For consistency it sounds like you need another beat somewhere in that line, or cutting other lines by one to match.

Answer 2

Really good work on this one, Todd. I think the first stanza is the strongest, and that third line is made all the more jolting with the way you set up the caesura after "Bones:" before proceeding with the rest of the line. It disrupts the iambic flow in a really strong, purposeful way.

The last line of the second stanza did jump out at me, and I'm trying to figure out why. Syllable count is right, and the feet (iamb-anapest-iamb-anapest) aren't disruptive. I think it may actually be that there are two breaks in the line with no real reason (no shift in direction, no appositive between the breaks, nothing so strong you would want to set it apart like that, etc.). If you rewrote it to have one break in the line (or even none at all), I think it would become stronger.

The punctuation on the last two lines of the poem is interesting. My first impulse was to tell you that the third line should end in a comma, and the fourth in a question mark. Upon reflection, though, you are right to end with the finality that the period suggests. If you tweaked the language of the last line to make it read grammatically as an answer, rather than a continuation of the question, that could make the end a bit stronger.

I trust you will take this kind of detail as a sign of the respect I have for your work; this is a strong piece (one of the best I've read on this board), and I'm glad you posted it.

Answer 3

Todd, the comma in line one is fine, and grammatically correct. The last line of stanza one, however, is awkward, because it breaks the iambic pattern and forces an anapaestic beat as lead. It would be fine if "you" read it, but it might cause another reader to trip and have to go over the line more than once to get back on step. If it were read as iambic it works, but makes "monument" sound sing-song.

"Suddenly, stood a multitude nonplussed"...I'm sorry, this line simply doesn't work for me. First of all, I cannot for the life of me picture a multitude "suddenly standing"...and if they did, I'm sure they wouldn't be "non-plussed". However, if this "is" what you really meant, then try "On a mountain stood a host nonplussed", it would mirror the beat of the previous line.

S1L2: "all the unjust"...weak. maybe "the petty, the mighty, the good, the unjust"

S1L3: "The insignificant next to the great"...maybe, "the insignificant along with the great" or "the insignificant as well as the great"...there just seems something "different" about "next to the great" that doesn't fit...maybe it's just me.

"no choice, that was past, they did what they must"..no way...what about, "Their choices behind them like iron to rust"? Just a suggestion.

then, maybe "their clothing black with blood's bitter hate"
"The books were then opened to fix their fate"
"they tried to tramp grapes of regret into wine"
"a last minute attempt to propitiate"

Add "if" so it becomes "the heavens folded in as "if" by design", then change the word order so your next line goes, "dross to burn to gold and silver refine"
and the last line has an awkward word order as well...maybe, "when the sun filled with pity refuses to shine"?

Your stanzas have promise and I hope I've put some ideas in your head as to where it needs more work.

good attempt.

Answer 4

Solid. Not my favorite, but very solid. Your strong imagery eye is in full effect here and a quality read. Always a pleasure.

Most of my issues have to to with punctuation layout:
I'd take out the comma in line one of stanza one.
Stanza two last line: "No choice--that was past--they did what they must." might strengthen the statement.

Stanza 3: "Clothing stained bitter by the blood of hate"? And in last line, "conciliate" as opposed to propitiate? or Reconciliate?
Stanza 4: comma after "folded in"?

As always Todd, a pleasure to read.

Answer 5

This isn't perfect, a few lazy phrases here and there, but it's a class above most of the stuff I read on this site. It shows real promise. I love 'bleached inscriptions written in the dust' but I think you need a stronger ending because the opening two verses are very taut and engaging. Hope you take this advice in the spirit in which it is intended as I'm really impressed by this effort.

Answer 6

Hi Todd! It is very well written and impressive. I like your choice of words. The one line that stands out to me and does not seem to fit is: "No choice, that was the past, they did what ehy must." It slightly works, but may need some rephrasing. The first 2 lines of the last segment were brilliant and I love the way they sound.

Answer 7

I like your poem a lot for lack of better words. To me it speaks of the return of the Savior. How every knee shall bow, and every tongue will confess that he is Lord. I don't know if you are spiritual but that is definitely the vibe I received. It is deep and profound.

Answer 8

I love it. Back to versa libre for a while. The title lets us know what's going to happen. Then you unfold the map well. Good one!