Would this sort of thing bother you?

Question

My husband and I have a pretty darn good relationship. He is very "intimate" with me when we are together, always gives me a hug and kiss when he leaves. Is there for me when I need someone to talk to. Here is my problem...I feel like he is more affectionate with our 15 yr old daughter than he is with me. Like today, he was hugging on her..etc and I have noticed that if she goes to sit by him, he always automatically puts his arm around her(all of this completely innocent of course), but when I sit by him, he does once in awhile, but I feel it is an effort. We have talked about this sort of thing before and he tells me that he believes he and I already have a connection and that he is trying to get closer to her because he feels like he is "losing his little girl"so to speak. I do try to understand that, but everytime he does this I feel left out. I try really hard to not feel this way and I never say anything in her presence. I would like honest but kind answers please and thanks.

Noo..sorry for some of you that are thinking I am implying he would do something bad..never meant that at all. I was afraid of how it would sound, but he is simply affectionate. Thanks for all of the good responses so far.

You all are fabulous! Thanks for opening my eyes and if you really want to know...I was hoping that people would say these things because I knew deep down that I was being irrational. I feel badly for how I have felt, but I am wondering if it has to do with not feeling all that close to my own father. Maybe I am more jealous of that than anything. And just incase anyone wonders, my daughter and I are close as well and I would never ever punish her for my "odd"feelings. Thanks everyone.

Answer 1

Your genuine conflict comes across in your question. It sounds like you believe him when he says he is trying to get closer with a daughter at a difficult age (actually a very laudable and healthy thing to do on his part) and so the real issue is not about your daughter at all. His focus has shifted away from the connection that you seem to cherish and that is your cause for concern. I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish. I think you just need to be clear with him (and yourself). Explain to him that in order for you to keep that closeness you have together that he needs to: 1) make time for you exclusively where you can both discuss your individual lives (like you always used to do but now make a distinction that that time is specifically for this purpose); 2) try to involve you in his attempts in being closer with your daughter such as an activity that is reasonably cool for a 15 year old to be seen doing with her parents (this will work better than just putting his arm around her anyway); and 3) become a better father role model by teaching her what a healthy emotional marriage looks like i.e. appropriate displays of affection between you two (many studies suggest that girls of that age are particularly susceptible to developing their image of a future relationship from their father's interaction with their mother). Also, continue to be patient and understanding with his needs and concerns of "losing his little girl" by reassuring him of his involvement in her future. Many girls will become closer with their fathers through the difficulties they will face in the tough upcoming years.

Answer 2

It almost sounds like you are jealous of the attention your husband gives you alls daughter. Please do not be. Like he said soon she will be all grown up and out of the house. He wants to stay as close to her as possible for the short time he has. He will have you always if this little thing does not come between you. So just hug, kiss, and squeeze on him a little more when you all are alone.
Enjoy your daughter while she is here. Soon she will be grown and out of the house in 3 to 5 more years. Then it could be a honeymoon all over again, unless you still have young children in the house. But I would not worry about it.

Answer 3

my dh does this too with our 14yo. Sometimes I've felt a little jealous too but then I think that what your husband said is right. They know they will be losing their daughters to life, relationships etc. so it's like they're trying to cram in as much affection and bonding as they can to those last few years. I think they want to be remembered as affectionate loving fathers and not, (as in my husband's case), the dad who was always to busy for his little girl. Just remind him that you are the kind of person who really loves physical touch and you need the same things, like someone else said join in and say is there room for one more. Also if he's hugging your daughter go up and make it a family hug and say dad and I are so proud of you or lucky to have you or whatever. In this way your needs are being met and so are hers. This is such a crucial age for girls that it's great he's recognizing her need for acceptance and attention. Now you just need to give him the little reminders that the grown up girls need it too!

Another thing is to do these things for him. I touch my husband a lot. I hug him, hold his hand, kiss him, lean on him when we're watching tv, etc. I bet as you do it he will naturally return the favor and then you won't have to feel like you are nagging for the attention.

Answer 4

This sounds like a wonderful father daughter relationship. I do think you are being over sensitive. However I am sure your feelings are very real, but it would be awful if you damaged a lovely relationship. Your little girl will leave one day and your husband will give you double the love you get now and you can sit back and know you have raised a young lady that knows how to receive love and give it.

When they are sitting cuddling ask if there is room for one more!!!!

Encourage it and enjoy a close family relationship
Good luck

Answer 5

Goodness, you shouldn't be jealous of your own daughter. It's wonderful that your husband and daughter are forming a great bond which will be so much more beneficial to her as she grows into an adult. Don't make this some sort of contest between you and her with him and appreciate it for what it is. She will be out of the house before you know it and he's feeling that already. Be more supportive of him. If you have a great relationship with your husband this shouldn't be a question.

Answer 6

You know how Daddy's are with their little girls. In this case, she is growing up very fast to him and he is afraid that he will lose her to the big bad world if he does not get closer to her. His baby suddenly isn't a baby anymore and he's feeling parental panic. He knows that soon she will be leaving to have her own life and that she will find a man to give her love to. He's worried she will no longer adore him and grow away and distant. He is also likely worried that she won't feel close enough to him to turn to him if she is ever in need of help or advice.

I have a teen and a pre teen daughter and my husband is the same way. I say good morning and he growls...either one of them say good morning and he smiles and returns the greeting. I punish them, he hears their "woes" and negotiates to reduce punishment. So on and so on. I sometimes feel jealous,too.

Some of it might be the connection a parent has with a child. When you are being affectionate to your child, there is no danger of being hurt, no past pain or drama to look beyond. Its pure love, unconditional and easier to show. When you are being affectionate to a spouse, theres passed hurts and fear of future hurts to slightly dampen the show of affection.

Answer 7

All little girls love their daddy and all daddy's love their little girls. Looks like they have developed a very strong bond between then and you are feeling left out and abit jealous. What you need to do to change this, is start making the first move on him and spice up your life with him, especially in the bedroom area. Why not put your arm around him first?, or hold his hand first and start being the initiator.

Answer 8

To be honest, it seems creepy to me that he is like that with his 15 year old. However, you say it's innocent, so I have no reason to not believe you.

Dads and daughters do tend to grow apart as girls begin to mature and find their own way in life. I am sure that this thought really scares him and he realizes that he doesn't have many years left for her to be in your home.

I think he is perhaps trying to spend as much quality time with her as he can and show her as much attention as he can, while he has the chance.

I do understand about you feeling left out and perhaps you need to remind him every once in a while that you would like his affection too!

Answer 9

Don't worry about him giving her affection. I'm sure he felt the same way when she was born and your time a energy went in to bonding with her. Its tricky when it comes to the parent child relationship because you can't say anything without walking on eggshells. Make sure that there isn't some insecurity in yourself that you have been avoiding because you chould be using this as an outlet. You may be feeling momentarily unappealing. Remember that his intentions are pure and that you are the number one woman. Without you she wouldn't exist.

Answer 10

Night before last I volunteered to pick my daughter up from work because her car is having problems and I rarely get to see her enough anymore. My ex-wife (her mother) couldn't understand why I was so eager to go and get her after working all day myself and needing to be up super early to return to work the next day, but it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. After work she wanted to go grocery shopping and again I eagerly volunteered to take her. Shopping after midnight going up aisle after excruciating aisle....and I loved every minute of it; it was like Christmas in July! They grow up so quickly, and there's no way to slow down or turn back the hands of time, so try harder to understand the dynamic between father and daughter. He's there for you as he should be. Let him have his daughter too while he can.