i don't know what to do anymore??

Question

it is probably going to be a difficult question..i was engaged many years ago to a guy that was so wrong for me.i ended up in hospital with an ectopic pregnancy,all he wanted to do after the op was fight with me..nine years on i have long left him,have no children,but i feel all my life i have only went for certain types of people because of my desire to have children..all of my relationships have gone wrong..i am with my current fiancee a year and a half and he knows of what happened before..it's just that i suffered a very bad drink problem after my ectopic and i have got a bad temper..he knows everything going on in my life right now concerning my job and family and that i suffer very bad panic attacks.he can treat me very well,spoiling me with small presents..but when he gets in a mood he will use everything he has against me..tell me how he hates to be with me,tell me he doesn't want to have children or get married..and tell me i am a child for the way i am with the panic attacks.

it is just that i don't want to waste my life anymore..i am thirty and i want to have a child but i am not even in a good relationship..i am really needing help here..i don't know what to do anymore..if i didn't have problems conceiving i probably wouldn't be in this mess..as i am writing this..he walked out of the house hours ago and i don't know where he is

Answer 1

Oh you poor thing. This man sounds pretty much like the child he is accusing you of being. But its difficult, I had a relationship for 15 years with a sweet lovely man, who had another side to him, a bully and a coward. I still feel for him, but he was making me bear the burden of HIS problems, blaming me for everything HE did. Everyone knows the man who hits his wife, and then says 'why do you make me do this?' but because you love the nice part of them, you sort of believe it when they do blame you. Is there anyway you can get away for a while, just to clear your head. If he KNOWS you are near to the end of taking any more of his behaviour, it may clear his mind too. It sounds like you are both mixd up, and maybe something needs to happen to make you both think straight. He probably hates himself for saying the things he does, and its done out of fear or panic or whatever. If you can both talk to each other about what scares you both, without getting into the blame game, you might find common ground. It sounds like he does care, you know, and buying little prezzies is a device he uses because he doesnt know what words to use to tell youhe cares. If I had one wish, it would be that all un happy people could be happy. I really hope you find some kind of peace soon.

Answer 2

I think you should think about yourself first. Never mind your partner or children. It sounds like you need to love yourself. Once you've done that, then you can love others and be ready for a fulfilling relationship, which ultimately could result in a child. Having a child is not a piece of cake (not just the conceiving bit). They are hard work, I should know I have a 9month year old, it puts a real strain on you and your relationship, so if the foundations of your relationship are not good, then you shouldn't have a child with that person. I think you should address your drink problem and perhaps seek out some counselling for the other troubles in your life. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST - Take care and look after yourself.

Answer 3

I honestly think you've been through a lot and for you to put up with more is just too much. I don't know why he gets moody at times, but he really has no reason to use your past or anything he has against you. I believe when someone is angry they tend to tell you things that might upset you or really hurt you and sometimes they might not mean to say all those stuff. You are who you are, i don't think you're childish just because you get panic attacks. If i were you i would do the same thing you did before, you don't need to be with anyone that tells you they hate you. Take a day for yourself and really ask yourself if you really want to marry him. About your desire to have children, i believe we all desire such thing, but it'll come, it takes time.

Answer 4

My sister went through the same thing . Except she had a still born at 9 months. her relationship with the baby father went down hill after that. All they did was fight. She figured if she had another baby all the anger and hurt would go away. but it didn't. She suffered panic attacks. which kept causing her to get into car accidents. She realized she had a problem not only with anger and panic attacks but also with men. She is now seeking counseling. It's actually working quite well for her. Maybe you should try it.

Answer 5

YOU NEED TO LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF A BIT MORE.

You should not be worried about having a child and taking care of it, when you can't take care of yourself. I am not saying this to be mean, and I am sorry for all of things you are going through but....

If you want my honest opinion, you need to get help and worry about you.

It sounds like you have anxiety issues and depressive issues.
See a counselor and a doctor. Break up with your boyfriend and get a place of your own and do not worry about being in a relationship for about 6-12 months. Find out who you are without all of the crap.
Go to work, school, what ever you do, and enjoy a simple life with family and friends and that is it.

Even though you desire a child, and would love him/her with all your heart. It is not far to bring that child into this world with how you feel. The past is not who you are. You can change and be happier. You can find someone better for you who will love you and a child and I beleive you will.

First, see a counselor and a doctor.
Second, move out and move on with your life (ALONE)
Third, discover who you are and change the negative into positive!

Finally, fall in love-get married and have achild.
If you do all this now, in 5 years you will have all that you want, if you give yourself some respect and love.

Also, if you aren't meant to concieve, there is adoption. GOD will give you a child the way you are meant to get one.

Answer 6

you don't need this sort of treatment. I put up with it for 17 years I've got my 3 boys but I will never have another relationship again as I just don't trust anyone any more. If you stay in this relationship you will slowly lose all your confidence and you will keep telling yourself he will change but they never do. I thought I had Mr Right he wined and dined me 3-4 nights a week gave me gifts and I was on cloud nine it wasn't until the wedding ring went on my finger that things changed for the worse. You will meet someone descent in time. Majority of people nowadays wait to have children when they are in their 30s I was 38 when I had my third child.

Answer 7

Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. The following steps will eliminate (or at least significantly reduce) your panic attacks:

1.Breathe properly - if you control your breathing, you control panic. As soon as you notice the signs of anxiety, check your breathing: breathe in slowly through your nose pushing your tummy out (to the count of 5 or so). Breathe out slowly and for a bit longer (to the count of 7 or so) through your mouth. Do not breathe rapidly or shallowly (in the chest area). This will soon restore the balance of oxygen and you will feel a lot better.

2. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy! CBT is proven to be the most effective thing for panic attacks, OCD and anxiety etc. It takes a bit of work, but it is super effective. (After 15 years of panic attacks, mine stopped completely). You can speak to your doctor about taking a course or you can take a course for free online at: www.livinglifetothefull.com

3. Try relaxation exercise tapes (progressive muscular relaxation). They really help if you practise often enough. You can get free downloads online, e.g. http://www.studentservices.utas.edu.au/counselling/audio_resources/index.html

With each step practise makes perfect. (i.e. practise the steps every day, not just when you are feeling bad). These steps may well help your partner deal with his issues too. Either way, once you have completed CBT you'll be in a stronger position to know what is best for you. I hope you feel better soon. Best of luck!

Answer 8

I think you should leave this guy and take time away to get your life straight. I do not think you should stay with anyone who will use your problems against you. Even if it is in a fit of anger, you want someone with more control then that. Take a time out from dating, work on anger management for your temper, and get in treatment for your drinking. The last thing you want when you have children is a bad temper or drinking. You will need to be sober and in control of your temper before you have children. Then find yourself a guy who can work through your problems with you and not use them against you.

Answer 9

Actually you've been going about this all wrong. You need to get yourself into counseling and figure out why you continue to make bad choices and have made such a mess of yourself. You also do not need to bring any child into this life without a stable married relationship. Step away from any relationships until you get yourself together and please get some help or you will continue this destructive path.

Answer 10

You need to be by yourself until you are able to be at ease with yourself. And try to keep away from the drink as it will just depress you even more. Your current boyfriend sound like a child himself to throw all your problems back in your face at the slightest problem. If you go and see your doctor and explain your problems he might have a solution for you. Or try taking up a "hobby/pastime. All the best and hope you get some resolution to your problems. GOD BLESS