Sometimes, jokingly, my Fiance has said things that have hurt me. I know for sure they most likely stem from my own insecurities, you know? Its nothing about my appearance, or anything like that. More about my own personal beliefs, and he may crack a joke, and it hurts. He doesnt mean it to hurt, and I know that if we arent communicating, I can take what he says wrong, and he may say something that will strike a nerve not knowing one was there. But I am wondering, how can I explain to him that his comment has hurt me, or bothered me, without making him feel bad? It was really an honest mistake, and like I said, I am partly to blame, but do you have any suggestions on how to bring up something, without alienating him or hurting him?
2007-07-30 08:57:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just to be clear, cause you probably didnt know this, he doesnt say things on PURPOSE to hurt me. He would never do that. The person who mentioned the "kitty brain" is more on track than the person after. Its just a sensitive spot for me and I am working on it, but hadnt talked to him about it. So when he made the comment, it hurt me... but he didnt mean it to and i understand that.
2007-07-30 09:08:51 · update #1
KPG perhaps you are in an abusive relationship, but I am FAR from being the submissive little house wife. If he is out of line, I tell him, but this time it was an honest mistake and I am trying to make a point without coming off as a bit**. You and your husband need counseling, and pls, at least when you answer any questions asked by me, show some respect. Give you opinion WITHOUT attempting to degrade me or catergorize me as this weak submissive wench. You have no idea... in your messed up relationship degrading eachother may work. I dont choose to have an unhealthy relationship.
2007-07-30 09:13:22 · update #2
it amazes me that women who respond here to questions regarding men believe that the man is abusive and the woman is submissive and passive... lol That couldnt be more incorrect about me, if anyone is verbally abused in my relationship, its him. I'm a very gruff person and that is why I am asking how to tell him it bothers me without making him feel like shi*... wow.
2007-07-31 06:39:55 · update #3
It's appropriate that he feel bad--briefly--for saying something that hurt you. You don't want him to be okay with that, right?
Some guys, you just have to be blunt without being accusing or a shrew. "Honey, when you said that only an idiot likes the Bills, your hurt my feelings. Maybe you forgot my dad's a Bills fan. It was like you calling him an idiot, and he's not." No nasty remarks, no asking for a fight, just a flat-out explanation of exactly what he said, how you interpreted it, and that it hurt you.
You need to exercise your speak-up muscle every time he unknowingly zings you right in the feelings.
2007-07-30 09:07:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here is what I do , and it works out just fine. Have a mild talk with him, tell him that somethings he says hurt your feelings without his knowing it...don't bring up specifics, just make a deal...each and everytime something is said in any tone that hurts, say the word, "Ouch." This goes both ways! That one little word will stop the deal..and he will know exactly what he said, and with time, will stop doing it., HE has the right to do the same thing. WE all say things that hurt the other without realizing it..so this is the method that really works, doesn't cause fights, etc.
2007-07-30 09:02:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Say all of the same things to him. Tell him that you know he didn't mean to say anything hurtful, but that comment bothered you. Tell him you know you're being overly sensative, but that you wanted him to know so he could be more careful.
It could eventually turn into a private joke between you two, and bring you closer. My husband used to call me "kitty brain" because I tend to forget things really easy. It used to bother me a lot, and we talkd about it. I admitted that my memory isn't always the best, and he explained that he wasn't trying to hurt me. Now, if I'm confused and forgot something, one of us will just "meow", and it's funny!
2007-07-30 09:04:09 · answer #3 · answered by Becka Gal 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You just have to tell him. If he's "joking" about stuff he KNOWS will hurt you or get under your skin, that's abusive and manipulative but if it's an honest mistake, you sit him down when you're not angry and tell him flat out but gently- I need you to know that when you say things like this "..." it hurts my feelings.
If he gets defensive, again with the abusive and manipulative but if he loves you, he'll accept what you're saying and respect you.
2007-07-30 09:03:05 · answer #4 · answered by LB 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First thing you should understand, is that if he's willing to say little things to hurt you, you should not feel bad about saying little things to hurt him. I am a firm believer in "What's good for the goose is good for the gander".
BUT, if you don't want to take that approach and you would rather be the submissive one in the relationship, I would just flat out tell him..."Honey, those little comments hurt me, please stop saying it". That's about as far as submissive can go. Me personally, when my husband says his little bullcrap comments that he KNOWS would hurt my feelings...I stand straight up in his face and tell him,..."SHUT THE "F" UP...YOU KNOW THOSE KINDS OF THINGS HURT ME!!"
or...I'll start with my little smara** comments that I know hurt him. He gets the jist of it once I start in on him and he'll usually say.."OK, OK...let's stop now".
2007-07-30 09:03:08 · answer #5 · answered by KPG 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He has found the perfect girl. You're completely snowed by his little passive-aggressive abusive. He knows exactly what he's doing, he knows exactly how to hurt your feelings, and he knows you're too timid to say or do anything about it, and you take half the blame for what HE said. Wake up honey. The next time he says something nasty to you, kick him square in the balls and say, "I didn't know that would hurt."
2007-07-30 09:37:37 · answer #6 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well i think you should let him read your question, just look at him and say, there is something i need you to read, you have wrote it very nicely, and then after he reads it, smile and say can i talk to you about this,if you are planning to spend your life with this person, you should be able to tell them anything even if they get their feelings hurt, love makes things heal faster.
2007-07-30 23:17:30 · answer #7 · answered by carol j 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be straight up and tell him that you were hurt by his remark, if he cares for you he will not want to continue to hurt you but work on ways to not hurt you. Talk and communicate, it makes things go much smoother.
2007-07-30 09:01:02 · answer #8 · answered by HowAboutIt 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
With a man, you need to be direct. Guys aren't good at taking hints. Tell him just what you think and feel.
2007-07-30 09:00:48 · answer #9 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
well to tell you the truth i dont think it would be possible for a person to take a hurtful comment the proper way. my parents fight all the time lol one "little" incident and all hell breaks loose.
2007-07-30 09:02:25 · answer #10 · answered by capt krunch 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋