I think of lines I'd like to try
For that day that I will die
I'd like to say them from a cloud
As I wear that final shroud
We all do know that day will come
That we'll lie down, our days are down
We'll see our life before our eyes
We'll shed a tear, and then some cries
I always wondered how I'll be
For that day, that he calls me
Am I ready for my fate
As it draws near, I want to wait
I'll look around and try to see
Who's really there, and there for me
Cause all my life, I have had friends
Lets see who comes, as my life ends
I'll close my eyes, my final breath
My body warms, I feel my death
Be it lights, or be it black
No matter what, I wont be back
2007-07-30 08:36:47 · 11 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
....I have to stop reading poems here. My intelligence level is sliding down the slide. Anyway, nice. I liked it alot. Your one of the few people who could actually write poetry here.
2007-07-30 08:40:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anthony C 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like the theme and there are few pretty good lines. Other than that, it needs some work. I've said this in other posts, but I'll say it again: have someone read this to you out loud, don't correct them, just let them read without interuption and take notes. You will hear the hard spots, where the beat is off, the rhyme sounds forced, where there are too many beats, where the word chosen doesn't really work, etc. Also, you missed a golden opportunity for alliteration and thesis/anti-thesis at the end...try: "be it bright or be it black" (as in "bright light at the end of a tunnel). In any event, that last line coupled with this one is the payoff and it works pretty well. Watch out for "for that day, that he calls me"...it's weak...same goes for "we shed some tears and then some cries"...what's the difference? better to say, "we had some laughes and shared some cries"
Anyway, listen and you'll get more editing ideas than you ever dreamed of.
good luck and don't be afraid to post the revision, I'd like to see it.
2007-08-01 17:33:44 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wasn't too bad, but not at all great.
I didn't like the second stanza: "days are down" is weak; "see our life before our eyes" is very cliche; "shed a tear and then some cries" is redundant.
The rest seems superficial, and shallow.
But keep writing. You'll get better. Sorry if my critque is harsh. Just being honest.
2007-07-30 08:48:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I submit to in recommendations first interpreting "stiff-necked" whilst interpreting Exodus this previous winter. earlier in the 300 and sixty 5 days. it is an superb poem. and that i've got a HUGEST feeling that that very final sound of the trumpet would be coming any 2d now..... Bless you!
2016-10-01 00:58:23 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mais non ca blaspheme...that anyone should fail to show up at ur funeral!!
Reminds me of another i wrote once but called the kingdom of heaven(yes i know that its lame but i was bored and went with the train of thought on seeing a preview of the movie....?)
Anyway,i lost that poem s/where and doubt that i could recreate it again...(boohoo!)
yours strikes a chord with others in its uncertainty,though pray the day never comes when you should leave us and fail to return!!!!
2007-07-31 17:51:54 · answer #5 · answered by aisha felynfils 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful poem and nicely done,I loved how your poem comes from the heart; and after you read it ; you sit for a minute to gasp in what you;ve read,,Thanks for sharing your wonderful poems always,.,
2007-07-30 14:39:30 · answer #6 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is awesome. Great poetry i dont find it shallow in the least, but hey thats just me. Anyway it flows very well and it has a good consistent rhyme scheme, keep writting!
2007-07-30 09:28:03 · answer #7 · answered by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, what can I say? Seems you have covered all the bases and have said what is in you heart, so take care and comfort that you have done the best you could. Peace
2007-07-30 08:42:41 · answer #8 · answered by vancup2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pretty good. The second paragraph needs to lose one of the "down" and, "and then some cries" needs to be changed as well. Also, he, in "that he calls me" should be capitalized.
2007-07-30 13:23:37 · answer #9 · answered by Emerald Jones 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is one of the better ones. i really love how you described things, and many people have written poems about death and they don't do too good of a job. but you did great!!!
i like the last line....orginal, but we all know its true, which makes it even better!
2007-07-30 09:07:50 · answer #10 · answered by agalicktourq 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋