How is this poem?

Question

The clock stops ticking.
I stand here.
Listening....
For what?
Nothing.

My black suit
Covers my exhausted body,
The color describing the event just before my return.
I cannot hear you, though I can feel your presence,
Though I know your existence is well beyond my reach.

Where have you gone?
Answer me, I'm breaking beyond my wildest expectations.
Believe me...aren't you thankful?
That I've witnessed your departure? That I cared for where you disappeared into mid-light?

Did you see me?
Erect upon the grass, not lying adjacent to you?
Did you wish for my warmth to bring life to your flesh?
The life I would have given you, was what you desired of me?
How can the darkness commingle with the light.

I do not, and will never exist as you did.
My jar of life is filled with filth from my garden.
The clock stopped ticking this very hour.
Make it tick once more.
I wanted you, I needed you. Your light is gone.

The clock stops ticking.
I stand here.
I listen.

Please don't copy! I have a hard copy with me with my signatuer and date on it...so please don't because you'll get in trouble.

Answer 1

good!!!!!1

Answer 2

Anthony, there are a few sections of this poem that I found very well done. There are other lines that need to be broken into shorter lines, and there are some phrases that I don't understand. "I'm breaking beyond my wildest expectations" is an oxymoronic phrase. If you intended to mean you are breaking apart, then don't use the phrase "wildest expectations", because "expectations" used like that has a positive tone associated with it. You could say "my darkest expectations" or "my worst expectations" if you need to use the word "expectations", but do you see how "wildest" gives the wrong connotation? Also, "Erect upon the grass"...erect? are you sure? Why not just "standing upon the grass"? standing implies a vertical posture as opposed to lying, which implies a horizontal one. Then the line, "the life I would have given you, was what you desired of me?" Is awkward at best. I think you meant to say, "I would have given you my life, is this was you wanted of me?" or "...would you have wanted this from me?" something along those lines. Then, "I do not, and will never exist as you did" is poor grammar and I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You "did" exist as he/she did, you were alive. To "exist" means to live, and if they've died, then they lived, so you did "exist" as they did. You can say, "I do not, nor have a I ever lived as you did", because "to live" means more than "to exist", it implies a way of life, not just life.

Up near the top, the line after "aren't you thankful". You put a question mark after "thankful", which stops the sentence...yet the next line seems to continue the sentence. If that's what you meant to do, then don't put a question mark after "thankful". Also, the theme runs on with the next sentence (which should start on its own line) as "That I cared for where you disappeared into mid-light?" The sentence is awkward and unfocused. What are you asking? Are you asking the departed if they were thankful that you cared about where they went when they died? If so, you need to refocus the sentence to make that come across a bit sharper, crisper and more direct.

Other than those items, the poem showed a positive development in your writing. Keep it up.

Answer 3

Very unique! On the line with "That I've witness your departure, there are too many questions marks - try a dash. Other than that, great job!!!

Answer 4

It is interesting. I like how you incorporated the clock theme in with the whole poem, I still have trouble going with one subject.

Answer 5

As a bad love letter parody it's brilliant! As a poem, it's atrocious!!

Answer 6

wow its beautiful 10/10

Answer 7

Let me sleep on this one.

Have you read the Poetry from Chicago, or American Poetry Review?

Answer 8

Hot Tamale. Now get published.

Answer 9

Sounds great! Good job!

Answer 10

very touching a born poet i love it

Answer 11

Touching, just lost a friend last week, makes me think of him!