BROKEN
Torn up and broken with no where to go.
Feeling so lonesome and feeling so low.
My soul has been tortured my body worn.
Sometimes I wish I had never been born.
Sitting in silence and wondering why.
Everything and everyone I love always must die.
2007-07-30 07:58:56 · 14 answers · asked by Lynnemarie 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I've had writer's block for six years since my dad and grandmother died six days apart. All of that emotion is finally spilling out. It feels good. Feel free to go to my 360 and tell me what changes anybody thinks should be made. I am a bit rusty.
2007-07-30 08:13:31 · update #1
Yes I want you to make suggestions and the ones made so far are very good and will help me. Thank you.
2007-07-30 08:16:31 · update #2
I feel like you're kind of holding back. Don't worry about trying to make it rhyme. Just put a pen to paper and let the words flow from you. It will be difficult at first, but it will become easier. Don't worry about punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. just WRITE. Once you can't write anymore, read back over what you've written (even better if you wait a day or so before reading it back). Find your poetry within these words.
Good poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Let it express how you're really feeling. Your poem gives the sense of anger and pain but doesn't really EXPRESS those feelings. It just tells that you're having them.
Good luck!
2007-07-30 20:35:12 · answer #1 · answered by Miss D 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's not bad. The meter seems fairly consistent and the rhymes don't seem forced. The last line has too many syllables though for the meter you've established...maybe,
How everyone I love always must die.
It's not a comment on your writing really, but I wonder if you could take this a little deeper. This type of message has been written on a lot, so to stand out there has to be something different about it. You might also want to think about using imagery. Torn up and broken for example is a bit abstract. What images could show the reader what that looks like.
Hey just my thoughts, not trying to be discouraging. Keep writing.
2007-07-30 08:11:39 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, we've all had that terrible hollow feeling from time to time and you describe it very well. Sometimes, less is more and your very economic use of language is engaging. I feel that after sorrow you're entering a healing stage and should focus on that with your writing. After all, life is short and what we have, we must try to celebrate.
As my favourite writer Bob Dylan says,
No man, no woman knows, the hour when sorrow will come.
''I can see for myself that the sun is sinking
How I wish you were hear with me
Tell me now, am I wrong in thinking
That you have forgotten me?''
These are Bob's words but I think they have a certain poetic and poignant empathy with your verses.
2007-07-30 12:48:26 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you feel you beleive or so it would seem. Let go of yourself for you will be found. Open ones self and your soul will sound, the calling of kinship will than be found! Them feelings of bad will C-ya around ,inevitable it is this balance we have. Good things bad, some happy some sad, but hold true human self for a wander aint bad!
Have faith in others if not ones self.
DG
2007-07-31 05:03:33 · answer #4 · answered by Northener 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a good start. As a reader, I would love to have more of a visual in here. There is a lot of anguish readily apparent, but it's hard to know why from what you've written. It's hard to really understand its effect on you from what you have. If your soul is tortured and your body worn, what are some of the physical manifestations of that? Think of your readers as being overly voyeuristic; we want to really see what's going on.
Again, this is a decent start. I think some precise images would make it better. Thanks for sharing!
2007-07-30 08:10:42 · answer #5 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Peom sounds good. I would probably make a couple of changes, but then that is personal preference.
I sure hope you do not really feel that way. I know that when I write, I write what I feel.
2007-07-30 08:07:00 · answer #6 · answered by ME 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i am very sorry for your loss but the best creative stuff seems to come out when we feel like ****. a famous poet once said, no one evr wrotr anything worth a damn in peace.
so I loved the poem
be well
jethro
2007-07-30 11:42:48 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Great job. I love the ending, although it is a bit depressing. It's definitely not the work of an amateur ... a little more practice and maybe you'll get published!
2007-07-30 08:15:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Very very emotional. As it happened, do you need some one to help you through it?
2007-07-30 21:28:02 · answer #9 · answered by scorpion 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good,i think you will just fine without my advice!
2007-07-30 10:37:18 · answer #10 · answered by IslandOfApples 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋