I am devastated. My husband went to a strip club again. He had promised never again.?

Question

We went to a marriage counseling class and he committed to no more since he knew it bothered me. He went again and spent over $400.00 there and then lied. I only found out from the credit card statement. He of course is now saying he will not go again...already heard that. I am so hurt and devastated. I then went off and acted like a crazy woman yelling, screaming, threatening to burn his stuff, etc. We are now seperated...is it time to call it quits? We have been married for 7 years and none of them have been easy. I have 2 kids and we miscarried twins last year, which did not seem to phase him either. I am so lonely and so hurt.

Answer 1

leave him. you've tried for 7 years, he's still lying, obviously prob didnt want more kids with you if he wasnt upset by the miscarriage. take some time for yourself and your kids and maybe try dating after your divorce. but def leave him. no married father should spend $400 at a strip club. thats money that should be spent on his home and children.

Answer 2

My question for you is this: Did he know that you would eventually see that credit card bill? I ask this because I think that your husband is sabotaging your marriage. A strip club is not that difficult to avoid, yet he went anyway, and spent a great deal of money. If he usually pays that credit card bill by himself, and it's not a bill that you usually see, then that's different, but still sabotage. But in the latter case, it's possible that your husband slipped and once there, decided to enjoy it as much as possible since he had already broken the promise.
Even with lap dances, how did he spend that much money? He must have bought a round of drinks for everyone there. Or he gave some favorite girl hundreds. Does he have a drinking problem too?
It's society's ill. I don't know what to think either about this stuff, why it is so prevalent. There are almost no gentlemen anymore, and there's very few ladies either.
Your husband knew the consequences for going again. This is a trust issue as much as maturity and priority issues. I think at this point that you have to stay separated, because taking him back would only give him the message that you will rant and rave but in the end always accept the behavior.
But I'm still thinking he sabotaged. He wanted to create the destruction within your marriage. He may feel something like that he is not going to let you control him, because he sees it probably as a control issue instead of the way you view it, and I know how you view it, being of similar mind.
The counseling didn't change the way he sees strip clubs. He hasn't changed.
You could give it one last shot at therapy while you are separated. Otherwise, it's a dealbreaker for you.
How sad that guys will do these things...how can they be important enough to throw away a family over? Blame society and the way it teaches them from the age of 12 to view women as sex objects with their first porno mag. Changing that thinking is not a battle we can easily win.

Answer 3

$400? Jeez. First of all if he was just hanging for the evening that includes a lot of dollar bills. If it was one night he is just trying to be "the man". Even if over several times that is more telling as it is an obsession.

Here's the thing. A lot of guys have issues with real life and commitment. It is easier to pay to look. And you have tried everything right? So a somewhat normal guy (being obsessed) would sit and think. One would think at some level that I will lose my family so I best do the right thing. Or at least have the courtesy to pay for it in a manner in which the wife won't find out. That shows that he really does not care.

He carries on because he feels that you will be there for him even though there are issues. When he sits there he still mentally has your support in his mind so he still feels like a man. Twisted but true.

Call it quits as you have tried. The only way things might work out is that one night he will sit there alone and realize that he has nothing. Then he might try. Odds are by that point you will find someone who truly cares for you and the kids...... and does not need to go to strip clubs.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like your husband doesn't give a sh*t about your feelings, marriage ect, if he did then why would he be ruining it by going to those clubs and lying to you?? Spending that high of an amount...at a dam strip club?? That is rediculous!
Have you thought long and hard about what you want and what is best for you? Honestly, i don't think he will stop going, i think he will continue to lie about it as well. So it's your choice to move on and find happiness or stay with him and be unhappy, which would you rather? Also think about your children, they know when there parents are unhappy and it does not affect them in a good way.
The way i see it, you two have been to couples counceling and that obviously did no good, he is still lying, going to the clubs and that right there does no good for a marriage, If he is doing all this behind your back, don't you ever wonder what else he has been lying about? Do you trust your husband?
You need to have trust in order for a marriage to work, if you don't have trust then what do you have? Love alone will not work because someone will end up getting hurt, like you for instance. You may love your husband and he may love you but his lying and going to the club is ruining your marriage and hurting you...Is staying with him hoping that things will change, what you want? I'm telling you right now you do not deserve it, you deserve to be happy and it's up to you to make the right decision for your sake and for your children..
Hope i helped!

Answer 5

I am only going to tell you what I did. My husband didn't go to a strip club but was talking with some woman on line and I saw some of the letters and they were way to close to home and he was telling her about our children's activities.. Any way I did just as you did I threw a fit acted crazy and I believe my head spun around, then I grabbed his credit card and went to a Motel to spend the night. ( our kids are now grown). He called me and called me but I didn't answer. I had a realy nice time alone. When I did get up the next morning I listened to his messages He was so sorry and said he never wanted me to leave him again and so on. Everything has been fine since then. I believe Men are so different than us. I'm so glad im not a Man. They can't help themselves when they see a woman to go gaga. Its just the way God made them. Now my husband is my everything , I just love him and and I know he loves me. We make jokes sometimes about leaving each other and that I will just move up stairs. LOL but the best thing that happened was that my husband ask God into his heart. What a change it has made in him. Give this some time if it is the first time you've separated let him see what he is missing. You have 2 children who need both of their parents. I have been through 1 divorce and know how awful it can be for everyone, especially the kids. please take time their is no rush let everyone calm down and get some help. It is great if you have a pastor you can talk with. You just sounded so much like me when I get mad I just had to answer your question. Again don't rush into anything. I know your hurting i know what it is like and It takes time to forgive and let go. I guess you can see I haven't forgot, but I have forgiven him. Love is such a wonderful thing and when you do find that person you have to fight sometimes to hold on to them. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless

Answer 6

dont know whats wrong with the people telling you, you should strip for him as if that would solve any problems. pure ignorance and immaturity.
anyways, sorry you lost your twins and that without the support of your husband, must be really hard on you. there isnt much of an advice one can give you as it has to be on you when you are ready to leave and cant deal with the emotional stress any longer. 7 years is a long time to deal with an unhappy marriage, but you will reach your limit i am sure.

Answer 7

I would be livid. My husband has went to a strip club twice (that I know of) in the three years that we have been married and I did not like it at all. If he were going for a bachelor party or maybe even a birthday party, then I could see that. But I would blow a gasket if my husband spent $40 let alone $400 at a strip club. He had to be getting lap dances or something, and it seems he is enjoying it a little too much. I hate to ask but does he look at video porn or internet porn? He may have an addiction to sex, because that is way too much money to spend on something you can't take home.

Answer 8

There's a lot more going on than could be handled by a marriage counseling class. Check with a minister or good friend about higher level marriage counseling, retreat or videos. You've already grown apart and may only be together for whatever sexual gratification each of you gets from the other - that could be okay if you could help each other satisfy each other needs but it may take someone else to get you to become honest enough with each other to get it all out in the open.

Many marriages stay together with personal quirks allowed each member of the family by the others - so long as everyone can afford to pay for their own personal quirks, that is.

Answer 9

You need to stop being so hurt and start dealing with this clown. Since he obviously does not want to be married, get yourself an attorney and file for divorce. Hurt feelings is for kids. You're a woman now, so start acting like one. Go into those pockets of his, and he won't have so much money to spend on whores. $400.00 can wipe away a lot of tears, so find yourself a good lawyer and shut this clown down. Shut him down!

Answer 10

Any man who has to use a credit card to support his strip joint addiction doesn't sound like a good provider anyway so i say call it quits. Find a man with deep pockets to give you and the kids a better life remember you're a woman you don't have to be lonely you can have a man anytime you desire.

Answer 11

I agree you should strip for him; put on a show. But don't spite him by going to a male strip club if you really want to try one more time. Maybe you and him need to rediscover each other and try new and exciting things. Be a different stripper every time you do it. (cow girl, police woman, country hillbillie)

I'll bet the miscarrage did hurt him, but since he's a man he might not wanted to express it, or maybe he was holding back his own emotions to help hold you together.

But personally if it bothers you that much, you know it's not going to change. Get a divorce and save yourself more tears. Don't stay with him for the kids. That is just wrong.