The Summer Rains?

Question

The Rains of Summer

As I look up to yonder Sky,
Dark Clouds casting beyond the blue Sky.
Winds begin their eary cry,
Blowing leaf's from the dancing Trees.
Thunder begins to rumble,
Lightning striking,
Sky's tears begin falling
Winds tossing
Sky crying
Lightning striking,
Thunder rumbles nearer
The Clouds begin to dance
With the darkness of the tears
Unhappy romance
From all those past years.
Angry winds blowing,
Lightning striking

But then............
All comes to a calm,
No more Thunder rumbling,
No more tears from Sky
Lightning striking no where
Rays of hope begin to shine.
Casting down into the River Divine
Flowing Tears of yesterday's sorrow,
Hoping for a better tomorrow.
The sun begins to shine its warm ray
Clouds begin to depart
The grayness of its sorrow fading,
Into the daylight
Dissipating.
Alone I sit on the hillside
Tears no longer cry
From my own darkness to the light
forbidding goodbye.
Storms have past
into my future atlast

Answer 1

I really like this
you paint a very clear picture

Answer 2

Well...it's "okay". "Yonder"? Unless you actually speak that way, I'd avoid "yonder". Also, "tears from the sky" is cliche...yeah, I know, I like it too, but it's been used until it cries its own tears of agony. Find another metaphor for rain, or just say "rain". Also, don't put so many rhyming words close together like you do in the first few lines, they make the poem sound trite and childish (sorry, but it's true and I've been guilty of the same crime, so don't think you're the only one that does this).

On the bright side, when you take out the cliches, correct some punctuation and line break issues, and trim some of the hyperbole, it's not too bad! If I told you that you had to trim this poem down to 12 lines...which would you keep? If I then told you that you could add 4 lines back into it...which 4 would you choose? Okay, do that. I think you'll find that you don't even have to add the 4 lines back in to tell the same story. Find a good opening line, and pick a good ending...then fill the in-between with only what is necessary to take you from one to the other. Don't worry...you won't need as many words as you think and you'll think twice about lines that are too short :)

good luck and keep writing!