He seems to be and is?

Question

He dresses in every hue of blue
with his pair of thinning jeans
he is the boy
constantly flicking his ebony hair
out of those
gorgeously enticing blue eyes
which dance whith his inviting smile
the smile that lurks in the corners
of your memory
forever playing on your heartstring
like a foriegn harpist

you don't always notice him
his gentle nature
quietly watching you
as he slips through the back gate
he sldes up behind you
as your shifting through long lost memories
he wraps loving arms around you
entranced by your avid gazing into nothingness

but i
the foriegn girl
in a stranger's world
have looked beneath
this simple apparition of a lost adolesence
and seen the saving grace
which radiates from within

Answer 1

this is a very nice poem. There are a few typos, a few of the line breaks are off and there are a few poor word choices...but other than that, it's a lovely little piece. Here's a few suggestions:

consider changing "ebony" to "ebon", they mean the same thing and ebon falls off the tongue a little easier when used before "hair".

"which dance whith his inviting smile": whith should be "with", but I'd suggest changing the line to read either "which dance above his inviting smile" or "which dance invitingly each time he smiles"...to be followed by,

"the smile that lurks in the corners
of your memory"...not bad, but maybe "the kind of smile that camps in the corners of your memory" Lurks implies a future misdeed...if that's your intent, use "lurks", whereas "camps" implies something that won't go away...and "camps" has alliteration with corners. Just a thought.

"forever playing on your heartstring
like a foriegn harpist"??? okay, I would recommend "forever playing your heartstring" (drop the "on"), but "foreign" harpist? Weak...need to find a better image..."Irish harpist", "Manic Harpist", something other than "foreign"...too vague.

Middle stanza is a little weak, but not too bad. Look it over and trim what you can.

"but i the foreign girl"...there you go again with foreign. However, "this" time it "might" be okay if you told us why "foreign" is bad. You could have said, "but I, the new girl" or "but I, the outsider" or "but I, the distant girl", but foreign is too weak and ambiguous.

Finally, is "he" just an apparition after all? Is he just a memory? If so, cool...if not, then apparition is the wrong word as used.

There is beauty in your poem. I like it, but it needs a little editing.

You'll be fine, just keep writing

Answer 2

Mama Mia! That's a spicy meat ball! You are on the biscuit with this one! Nice flow and great image. Been travelling?

Only thing is watch cliche , 'heartstring' is a bit weak but I'm nit picking.

Keep it up, a writer writes, D.

Answer 3

Wow, that was quite deep. Good One.

Answer 4

very good




seems like you have quite a crush on someone, or something?